I’ll never have that love back.
And that’s a loss I don’t know if I’ll ever get over.
I draw myself back with a shudder. It would be so easy to stay and let him hold me. Let him help me trick my brain into believing all is forgiven. But now, knowing the whole truth of just how much my actions fucked things up, I won’t do that. I can’t do that to him.
“Look, it wasn’t fair of me to ask if we could go back to being friends. I won’t hold you to it. Thank you for telling me the truth, I deserved to hear that.” My eyes are downcast. There’s no way I can bring myself to look at him right now.
Then there’s a hand gently lifting my chin.
“We were friends first, Isabelle. We can be friends again.”
I don’t know how I deserve that from him. Part of me wants to push back, to beg him to protect himself like he did when he cut me off. But that same selfish part of me that prioritized myself over our relationship eight years ago craves having him in my life again too much. Drawing in a shaky breath, I give him a small nod. “Okay,” I whisper. Then repeat it again. “Okay. Friends.” I jerk my thumb over my shoulder. “I’m still gonna go now. I think I’ve, ah, overstayed my welcome.”
Kai has a small smile on his face as he shrugs. “Nah, it’s all good. What’s a little breakdown between friends.”
I manage to laugh. He’s still good at lightening the mood, making me feel better with nothing more than a smile and a few words.
He follows me to the door, holding it open by leaning one shoulder against it. “See you around, friend.” His lip quirks up at the corner.
“Yeah. See you around.” I can’t let him hug me. Not again. So I slip out the door and walk toward the elevator, refusing to allow myself to look back.
Friends don’t look back.
The next day, the sun is shining, and it's unseasonably warm for this time of year, according to Tony. I’m thankful for it, needing to get out into the fresh air. Last night didn’t go the way I expected it to. Granted, I didn’t exactly have a clear idea of whatwould happen when I went over to Kai’s apartment to confront him about the headlines I found in my internet search.
I wasn’t only surprised to see all those photos and read the things they said about him. I was disappointed. It had nothing to do with seeing pictures of him with other women, not that I particularly enjoyed that. It was more that the version of Kai those articles showed seemed so fake. So superficial and flashy. No heart or substance. Nothing like the man I knew. It saddened me to think that was the version of himself he was showing the world.
I make the short drive out to the university campus that sits on the end of a point of land, surrounded by a lush green forest filled with trails. I’d picked my route before I left and am pleased it’s easy to find. The parking lot is about half full when I pull in, and as I head out on the trail, I pass a couple of people who greet me with a smile.
The trail weaves through giant old-growth trees, with dappled sunlight filtering through the canopy. It’s peaceful. The sounds of nature keep me company. Italy has many beautiful places, but nothing can compare to this. I’ll give it to Vancouver, it’s a stunning city.
When I come across a bench, I sink down and tip my head back, taking several deep breaths. My cousin would love it here. She’s constantly bugging me to bring her to Canada, saying she wants to fall in love with a lumberjack. Just thinking of her makes me miss her. She’s the reason I went to Italy in the first place, and she’s my closest friend.
Opening my phone, I snap a selfie and send it to Maria. Instead of replying, my phone lights up with an incoming video call.
I answer with a wide smile. “I knew that would tempt you.”
“Isabelle, show me more!” Her heavily accented English is loud in the quiet green forest. I laugh, turning down the volumeas I rotate the camera around to show her the scenery. She switches to Italian, rapid-fire talking about how stunning it is, how jealous she is of me, and how annoying it is that Italy doesn’t have forests like that.
“You should’ve been born a wood nymph,” I tease her when I turn the camera back.
“Si, then I could have love with a lumberjack.” She nods, her eyes twinkling. “So, tell me. How is your mama?”
We spend a few minutes catching up on small things before I can’t hold back any longer.
“Maria. Kai’s here, in Vancouver.”
Her brow furrows for a second or two before she realizes who I’m talking about.
“No… Kai? Your Kai? He is there?”
I nod. “On Tony’s team.”
“Ohmerda! How was it to see him?”
“I don’t know.” I blow a breath out through my lips. “Good? Bad? Strange? Wonderful? It was crazy, Maria.”
Her face is full of sympathy. “And how do you feel now?”
