Things will never be the same between us. But tonight it feels like we’re finally starting to clear the air.
“I know this is a weird thing to ask, and you’re allowed to say no.” She fidgets with the hem of her shirt.
“Just ask, Iz,” I say, curious what she could possibly be nervous about asking.
“Can I…can we…can we hug again? I just, it feels really good to hug you. And I know we’ve only just decided to try this whole friends thing, but I could really use another hug.”
It turns out, I can’t deny her anything. No matter how badly she hurt me, all she has to do is ask, and I’ll come running.
Or rather, open my arms and let the only woman I’ve ever loved step into them for a hug.
Chapter eight
Isabelle
He smells the same…
I smile into Kai’s shirt, trying to be subtle as I take a sniff. Yup. Like a crisp winter morning in the woods. Fresh, warm, energizing.
“Are you smelling me, Iz?”
I tear myself backward, out of his arms. “What? No! Of course not.”
Kai laughs. It’s a little rusty, and not as full-bodied as I’m used to, but still. I’ll take it. “You totally were! It’s fine. I know I smell good. This girl I knew bought me some scent booster shit for my laundry a long time ago. Said my workout gear stank even after washing. I’ve used it ever since.”
We stare at each other for a beat, memories flooding my senses. Then Kai gestures to the hall. “You want some water or something?”
Guess I wasn’t the only one remembering a different time. When we were different people. I follow him out, but when he gets to the kitchen and turns back to me, I’ve moved closer to the front door instead.
No. I’m going to get going, actually.”
“Sure. Right.” He jams his hands in his pockets.
I fidget with the strap of my bag. “Kai,” I start, then stop. Despite what we said earlier about being friends, the air suddenly feels like it’s filled with an awkward tension.
I’m not the only one that feels it, clearly. Indecision dances across his handsome face before Kai speaks. “Iz, that shit you saw online. That was… I mean… Fuck.” He drops his head forward, and I take a step toward him.
“It’s fine, Kai. I know the media twists things. I’m sorry I came in here attacking you like that. I was surprised, that’s all. It made you look like such a different person than the guy I knew. But it wasn’t fair of me to come here and yell at you for it without knowing the whole story. I had no right to do that.”
His head lifts, and the look in his eyes hits me like a physical blow to the chest.
“I get why you were upset, Iz, but you have to know something. That shit you read, that version of me you saw, it’s not the truth, but it’s not all lies, either. Because I am a different person from the guy you left behind. If we’re gonna do this friends shit, you need to know what happened. The day you broke up with me, something broke inside of me. I’m not trying to say it’s your fault, or that I don’t agree with the decision you made. I understood why you had to go to Italy and meet your family. Hell, I pushed you to go. Eventually, I even understood why you decided to stay. But it changed me, losing you. And I know I’m to blame for losing you so completely. I know that I’m the one who pushed you away and cut off all contact.” He blows out a long breath, shaking his head. “That guy you saw in those articles onthe internet? That’s the guy I became after you broke up with me. It was easier to be him than to let anyone else get close enough to know the real me. Get close enough to hurt me the way it did losing you.”
I don’t notice that I’m crying until the tear tracks down my cheek. I brush it away, not daring to look away from him. Hearing the depth of pain I inflicted on him is nothing less than what I deserve.
What right do I have to ask this man for his friendship, when I know there’s an expiration date on everything. I have to leave him again in just a few months. And I don’t know if I could live with myself if I hurt him once more.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, swallowing down a sob. “I’m so very sorry, Kai. I hate that I did that to you.”
Kai moves swiftly, coming to stand in front of me.
“Hey, Iz. It’s okay.” He runs his hands up and down my arms as I drop my chin and more tears fall free. “Isabelle. Baby. Don’t cry.”
Whether it’s the endearment that I’m sure he didn’t intend to let slip out, or the feel of his hands comforting me, or just the feeling of being around him again, I don’t know. Something breaks down the wall holding back my emotions.
I collapse into his arms with a broken sob.
When I moved to Italy, to meet my father and his family, I found myself. But I also lost the man who made everything shine. Who loved me so deeply.
