If his own biological father could walk away from him, what’s to stop someone like Sawyer from doing it? Only Cooper’s feelings for Sawyer run a lot deeper than his feelings for Tim. Which means the heartache he’s feeling now would be magnified immensely.
A sob escapes me and I clap my hand over my mouth to hold back any more from breaking free. But there’s no fighting the tears that start to roll down my cheeks.
I’ve always stayed true to one thing. Cooper comes first. And how can I uphold that if I don’t protect him from further pain? There’s no way to know how long this thing between Sawyer and I will last. But the longer it does, the higher the cost to Coop’s heart — to say nothing of my own — when it inevitably ends.
Which means there’s only one thing to do.
I put on an award-winning performance the next morning, if I do say so myself. I get Cooper dropped off at school, come home, and hold it all together until I get in the shower. Only then do I let myself fall apart and grieve what I’m about to lose.
The hot water washes away my tears but does nothing to fill the gaping hole in my heart. I go through the motions of getting dressed, tossing my wet hair up in a bun, then putting Chloe in her cage.
I drive slowly across town to the fire station, alternating between hoping the trucks won’t be there so I can delay the inevitable, and hoping they are so I can get this over with and go home to cry some more.
I pull into the parking lot; all the engines are parked behind the open bay doors.
“You can do this,” I whisper to myself as I climb out of my car. As I make my way over to the station, I realize I didn’t think this through. Coming to him at work? What the hell was I thinking, how selfish can I be? I start to turn around when he shouts across the parking lot.
“Tori!”
I freeze. I hear his footsteps as he jogs up to me, and then his hands are on my shoulders, turning me to face him. His easy grin lights up his face, but as soon as he sees how wretched I must look, it falls.
“Angel, what’s wrong? Is it Cooper? Is he okay?”
I’m already shaking my head, and I manage to whisper, “He’s fine,” before I stupidly let Sawyer tug me in to his firm chest. His uniform is scratchy under my cheek and it’s a struggle not to sink into the comfort he’s offering.
But now that he’s here, I have to go through with it.
I break away and take a step back. His arms fall from my body, and confusion is etched across his handsome face.
“Tori, what’s going on? You’re freaking me out.” He moves to step closer and I hold my hand up to stop him.
“Sawyer, stop. I can’t…” I gulp back a sob. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s not going to work.”
“What?” he says, his hand raking through his hair. “What the hell are you talking about, angel?”
“It’s not you, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s me. I always said I couldn’t be in a relationship because I need to put Cooper first. That hasn’t changed. And maybe the reason I’ve had a hard time figuring out how to tell him about us is because I shouldn’t.” I’m grasping at straws and I know it. But how the hell do I tell the man I’ve fallen madly in love with that I can’t be with him because I’m terrified he won’t ever feel the same way and that someday he’ll break my heart — and my son’s.
“Tori.” He sounds broken and I drag my eyes up from the pavement to meet his gaze. That was a mistake, because if I thought he sounded broken, it’s nothing compared to how he looks.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
He crouches down, dropping his head into his hands before looking back up at me, despair and confusion all over his face. “I don’t understand. What changed? I thought we were good…better than good.” He springs back up. “You’re scared, aren’t you? That’s what this is, you’re scared. Well, so am I, angel. Why can’t we be scared together? We’re meant to be together, I know it. We can figure this out.”
He has no idea how right he is. I am scared. Terrified. But I can’t admit that without saying what I’m scared of. “I can’t.” Taking the step to turn away and move toward my car is the hardest thing I’ve done in a very long time, if not ever. Knowing he’s there, watching me end us with no good explanation fills me with more grief and guilt than I’ve ever felt.
I keep my hands gripping the steering wheel and my eyes pointing forward as I drive out of the parking lot and away from Sawyer. When I get home, I drop down on my couch and wrap up in the blanket that’s draped over the back of it. Then I grab my phone and make two calls. The first one is to my parents, asking if they’ll take Cooper and Chloe for the weekend, starting today after school. I make up an excuse about needing the time to write, and they eagerly accept.
The next call is to Willow. “Can you come here for the weekend?” I whisper, and being my best friend, that’s all I need to say for her to agree.
“Oh, babe. I’ll be there tomorrow and you can tell me who I need to hurt,” she says, and fresh tears start to fall.
“He doesn’t deserve any more pain,” I manage to say. “I hurt him enough.”
Willow’s silent for a beat. “Okay. Hold yourself together until tomorrow morning. I’ll be there.”
“Thank you.”
I may not have Sawyer anymore, but I have my family, and I have Willow. That has to be enough, just like it always has been.
