“Shit. Racquel, I have to go.” I slam my phone down, quickly turn off the stove, then race out the back door without even bothering to put on shoes.
Climbing the ladder, I stop with just my head inside the tree house. Cooper is huddled in the corner, his knees drawn up to his chest, and he’s picking at something on the floor.
“Hey, buddy. Can I come up?” I ask softly and wait for his small head nod.
I make my way into the tree house and sit down beside him, resisting the powerful urge to pull him into my lap and hug him to me. My heart is breaking for him, knowing he heard me say a truth I’d hoped he wouldn’t realize for at least a few more years.
We sit there in silence for a few minutes, the only sound Chloe’s soft whining from the bottom of the ladder.
“I’m sorry you had to hear that, Coop.”
His sniffle breaks my heart even further, and I tentatively wrap one arm around his shoulder. He turns into me, burying his face in my chest, and I can feel the dampness from his tears seeping into my shirt.
“W-why doesn’t he want to be my dad?” he whispers brokenly, and I wish I knew how to answer.
“Sometimes,” I start, then stop. Fuck, this is hard. “Sometimes people aren’t ready to be parents. I was, your dad wasn’t.” I kiss the top of his head, still feeling his little body wracked with sobs. Holding him tighter, I continue, desperate to make him feel the depth of my love, even though I know it won’t be enough.
“The second I found out I was pregnant, I was the most excited I’ve ever been. You were like this special gift, given to me when I least expected it. And I’ve never stopped being so grateful to have you as my son.”
His small arms wrap around me, holding me just as tightly as I’m holding him. I won’t say anything else about Tim; even though he’s the one who broke Cooper’s heart, I’m the one who said the words I can never take back. The words my seven-year-old now has to process and make sense of.
We stay like that in the tree house, holding each other for a long time. Finally, Cooper lifts his head and looks at me with red eyes. “Can we go inside now?”
I stroke back his hair and kiss his forehead. “Of course.”
I climb down first, and Chloe starts dancing around my feet. Her excitement grows when Cooper reaches the ground, and he picks her up, hugging her to him. We make our way inside in silence, and Coop disappears to his bedroom with Chloe.
I force myself to finish preparing dinner, reheating the sauce and cooking up some pasta. When it’s all done, I go down the hall to Coop’s room. He left the door open, and I peek inside to see him on the floor, doing something with the LEGO scene he and Sawyer were working on the other day.
“Hey kiddo, dinner’s ready.”
He nods and pushes the fire truck into a spot by a building that I’m guessing is their version of a fire hall. I make a mental note to buy him the fire station set for his birthday.
We make it through dinner, Coop’s homework, and then bedtime. I’m starting to think we’re over the worst of the emotional heartache of the evening. Until I’m tucking my son in and he looks up at me.
“Mom,” he starts, twisting his blanket in his hands. “Am I a bad kid if I wish my dad wasn’t my dad?”
“Oh, honey,” I reply, at a bit of a loss as to what to say. “No, I don’t think you’re a bad kid. You’re hurting right now, and when we’re hurting, we feel big things.”
Coop nods, seeming to accept that. “I wish Sawyer was my dad instead.”
My body goes cold. If I was at a loss before, now I’m completely in despair. There’s no good response to that. Nothing I can say to either comfort or clarify.
Thankfully, Coop doesn’t take my silence as a bad thing, and he lets out a little sigh, closing his eyes. I lean down and kiss him goodnight, hoping he doesn’t pick up on my internal panic.
I wait until I’m out of his room before going straight to the kitchen and out into the backyard.
“Holy shit.” My hands are shaking as I sink down on a chair on the patio and try to calm my racing heart.
I knew I was falling in love with Sawyer. If I’m honest with myself, knew Cooper was, too.
But my kid has just found out his own father doesn’t want him and never did. And here I am, his only stable parent, in a relationship with a man who, up until very recently, made it abundantly clear he was not cut out for commitment. A man who could decide at any moment he doesn’t want to do this anymore.
Because being in a relationship with a woman? That’s one thing. Being in a relationship with a single mom… That’s another. And for someone like Sawyer, who’s clearly got deep-seated reasons he hasneverbeen in a relationship before, that level of commitment is bound to be a lot to take on.
The problem is, how are Cooper and I meant to handle it if Sawyer hits that point of not wanting the responsibility and commitment that comes with being with us?
My son has been abandoned by the man who donated half of his DNA. He’s never known a true father figure. And now, thanks to me not controlling my anger on the phone with his grandmother, he’s all too aware of just how little Tim has ever cared about him.
