“Why does it have to be a surprise?” I cover his hand with mine, lacing our fingers together. He squeezes my hand, and I squeeze back.
“Because I want to surprise my wife with a special day just for her. Is that so wrong?”
A now familiar wave of warmth washes over me as he calls me his wife. Even though I know he’s teasing when he says it, I’ve grown to love hearing the nickname. It somehow manages to make me feel safe, cared for, and valued without judgment. And the subtle possessive undertone reminds me of how Beckett takes charge in the bedroom, an unexpected discovery.
Last night, he let me turn the tables and blindfoldhimwhile I gave him a blowjob, and the control I felt, the pure power over him and his body, was enthralling.
As each day goes by, I feel my soul settling more and more in Dogwood Cove and with Beckett.
“Okay,husband,” I say, keeping my tone light. The uptick of his lips when I call him “husband” has me preening inside before I can even think about it. “Surprise me.”
Moments later, Beckett pulls into the parking lot for what looks like a fisherman’s wharf. There’s plenty of boats tied up along the dock and a restaurant at the end of a long pier. My mouth instantly starts to salivate.
“Please tell me we’re eating here.”
His chuckle reverberates through me. “Of course, we are. If I had to listen to your stomach growl for a minute longer, I was going to wonder if you were possessed.”
“Not today.” I grin back at him. “But I am hungry.”
Once we’re out of the car, Beckett takes my hand in his and we stroll down the long gangplank onto the dock. Boats line the walkway, each selling different types of seafood. Salmon, shrimp, and crab; it’s a feast for the senses. The briny air, loud voices, and calls of the birds; it’s vibrant. Teeming with energy.
Reaching the restaurant, I let Beckett hold the door open for me and usher me in. We’re brought to a table on the outer deck, staring out over the water. The wind in my hair and sun on my face brings an instant smile and lift to my mood. I close my eyes to just let myself feel everything.
“Do you realize how gorgeous you look right now?”
Tilting my head, I open my eyes to see Beckett’s deep brown gaze full of emotion looking back at me.
“That spark I saw in you when we first met. It’s always been there but living in Cliveden dulled it. Now it’s brighter than ever.”
My tongue darts out to moisten my lips as his words sink in. He’s right, there’s no sense in trying to deny it. I feel more alive and more peaceful than I have in years. And it’s all because of the man sitting across from me. The intensity pulsing off him is overwhelming. I hate that I’m still not fully committed to him and the life he’s offering me. He deserves better. But the selfish side of me refuses to give up what he’s given me.
“You brought me back to life.”
Something passes over his face at my statement. “I’ll always be here to do that for you.”
“How do you do that?” I blurt out, pulling my hand away from his, instantly missing the connection. “How do you justknowthat? You say it with such confidence, but how can you know you’ll always be here? Do you really think you can control it? Control what happens to you, to us?”
Fears that I’ve managed to repress until now bubble up. And while I hate to taint the beauty of this afternoon, I can’t hold back.
“It doesn’t matter what our intentions are; life or fate or whatever can have a very different plan, and at the end of the day we’re powerless to do anything about it. How do you promise to be here forever when the reality is that we don’t know how long forever will last?”
I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.
Beckett pushes back from the table and makes his way swiftly around to my side, sitting down in the chair next to me and gathering me into his arms. My body responds without words, instantly curling into him, seeking comfort and security.
Two things he has always given me without fail.
It’s not Beckett I don’t trust. It’s not his heart, or his feelings, or his intentions. It’s the unknown. The stuff we cannot control. It’s the fact that I’ve experienced firsthand how love isn’t always enough. How the people we love — the people we need — can be ripped away from us with no warning. The way we can be left alone, adrift, without an anchor.
Beckett became my anchor from the moment we met. And if I lose him, I will truly be lost. But holding him at arm’s length, keeping the boundary of friendship between us, won’t stop anything from happening. If anything, keeping him apart from his — and my — true feelings will eventually drive a wedge between us.
How could it not?
How could I possibly expect this wonderful man to deny what he wants from me and not have it eventually push him away?
By turning away from how I really feel and the happiness he makes me feel, I’m not protecting myself from anything.
I’m damning myself to a life alone. The one thing I’ve always feared more than anything else.
