“I do. You’re not alone, Max.”
Her fingers brush against mine and I let out a shuddery breath.
When she follows me into the conference room, Clarence’s eyebrows raise, but he doesn’t say anything. His attention is fully on me, as it should be.
“Ginny approached me last week to ask about submitting an application for the transplant team. I reviewed Carson’s most recent results and concluded he didn’t qualify, which is exactly what I told her. So, could you please explain to me why his mother is still under the belief you were putting forth the application?”
I sit down in a chair across from the man I respect as my superior, but also as the person in control of my future. And Heidi’s future, since she foolishly followed me in here. All I can do in this moment is tell the truth. I look him straight in the eye and fold my hands on the table in front of me. I’m the picture of calm, at odds with the roiling sea of emotion and stress inside of me.
“I was considering submitting the application with the hope that by the time the team came to assess him, his numbers would’ve reached the point to qualify him.”
“You were going to falsely report his lab results.”
I nod, then shake my head. “I was going to, yes. But I didn’t.” I hear Heidi’s sharp inhale. But I keep my eyes trained on Clarence. “It was wrong to even consider it, I know, especially to give Carson’s family false hope. I had a moment of weakness, desperation, even.” Finally, I turn my attention across the table, to Heidi. She’s pale, her arms folded around herself. “But I couldn’t do it. It was wrong.Iwas wrong. I can’t save every patient. I couldn’t save Callum, or Teagan, and I might not be able to save Carson. I have to be okay with that because the alternative, the risk of losing my career and losing the opportunity to help countless more kids, isn’t worth it.”
“You didn’t submit the paperwork,” Heidi whispers as Clarence asks who Callum is. But he hears her and frowns, as if he’s just now trying to piece together why she’s here. I know that’s another conversation we need to have with him. But in this moment, I’m trying to focus on containing the cautious flicker of hope inside of me. Hope that she could forgive me.
I move my head back and forth slowly. “I didn’t. It took my brothers verbally smacking me in the head to really get it to sink in. Breaking the rules like that wouldn’t be worth the loss.”
I don’t have to say what that loss would be. She knows.
She knows the loss would be her.
Chapter twenty-nine
Heidi
“What on earth are you two talking about?” Clarence’s bewildered voice filters into my head, but just barely. Instead, it’s Max’s words that are claiming my attention.
“The loss…” I echo quietly, as I walk around the table. He stands up when I reach him, and the cautiously hopefully expression etched onto his face is all the confirmation I need to know his remorse is genuine. I lift a hand and cup his cheek, smiling slightly when he turns into my touch. “I knew you’d do the right thing.”
My words are quiet, meant only for him, but I’ve apparently managed to forget that our boss is sitting right here. The man who holds the power to destroy everything I’ve worked for.
“This is very touching, and whatever dynamic is between the two of you is most certainly something we need to return to, but if I could draw your attention back to the important matter, please?” Clarence says drily, but not without some criticism. Max and I both startle apart and turn to him.
“I-I’m s-sorry, sir,” I start stammering out, suddenly unsure of how to proceed. I’ve known Clarence for years and we’ve always had a good working relationship, but now I feel unsure, like I’m on rocky ground and could fall at any moment. “It was my fault. We developed feelings for each other, but Max wasn’t going to act on them. I pushed him —”
“Heidi, no,” Max interrupts. His hand reaches out for mine, our fingers tangling together in a very obvious display of what our relationship truly is. I glance up at him to see those blue eyes I adore shining at me, full of love. I know we’ve still got a lot to work through, but in this moment, we’re united. He turns to face Clarence. “Clarence, the only person who’s at fault is me. I knew that entering a relationship with Heidi was unwise. It crosses all kinds of professional boundaries and disrupts the power balance between us. But the truth of our feelings for each other took over all rational thought. Still, I recognize the responsibility lies with me to proceed appropriately, and I didn’t. I take full blame. Heidi is an exemplary physician and at the start of her career. She should not suffer any repercussions for something I should have handled better.”
I should be happy to hear Max stand up for me, not shy away from his feelings, and try to protect me. But instead, he’s making it sound like he made some catastrophic error in judgment all on his own.
“Stop. You’re not the only one involved in this,” I say, turning to face him. “I know you’re trying to shield me from any consequences, but that’s not fair. We were both equally at fault. We knew what we were doing.”
“I can’t let you lose everything,” Max murmurs, his eyes worried and darting up and down my face.
I squeeze his hand gently. “Neither can I.”
“If you’d both just stop and listen to me for a moment, I would like to move on from this,” Clarence yet again interrupts us, and I drop Max’s hand guiltily.
“Sorry.”
We both say it at the same time, and I fight the instinct to smile.
Clarence steeples his hands in front of him, then gestures to the two seats in front of Max and me. “Please. Sit down.”
We do, and I fold my hands on the table in front of me in an effort to avoid reaching for Max. My body aches to touch him, but my heart is still warning me to wait.
“As I assume you both know, seeing as you are two intelligent, rational adults, it is not exactly against hospital policy for relationships between staff to occur. However —” Clarence pauses and frowns at Max “— the power dynamic between the two of you, with Dr. Donnelly being your supervisor, does complicate matters. Max, you should have come to me the minute your relationship turned from professional to personal, so we could adjust course. The fact that you continued to supervise her was ill-advised and inappropriate, to say the least. The only silver lining is that you have not conducted any formal evaluations yet. Nonetheless, we will have to immediately reassign Dr. Morgan to a different attending for the remainder of her residency period.”
