“You can’t save everyone, Max.”
I look up at Sawyer, to see an uncharacteristically serious expression on his face. As a firefighter, he knows what it feels like to save someone, and to fail to do so.
Out of nowhere, tears start to well in my eyes. Okay, not out of nowhere. I know damn well it’s the realization that, yet again, I let my past influence my present actions in a stupid way. It’s realizing I assumed the worst of Heidi, instead of trusting her. And it’s realizing I might be more broken inside than I ever let myself admit.
“I can’t...” My voice trails off. I can’t what? Lose another patient? That’s the sad reality of my job and I know that. I can’t not try to save everyone? That’s not the point. Of course, I can try to save every patient, that’s why I’m a doctor. But I have to be realistic and work within the legal and moral boundaries of right and wrong. “Filling out the paperwork was a dumb fucking idea. I think I’ve known that all along, and that’s why I took the papers home instead of submitting them.”
“Right. So you’re not a fucking idiot, just a regular one.”
I glare at Sawyer, even though he’s not wrong.
“Max,” Beckett starts, his voice a soft contrast to Sawyer’s harsh one. “When Dad had his accident, we all got counselling to help deal with the fact that he almost died. But you missed most of the sessions.”
I drop my head in acknowledgment.
“Maybe you need some help to finish working through that? Maybe that incident has affected your ability to cope with pain and loss.”
A teardrop splashes to the ground, followed by another.
“Beck, man, you should’ve been a therapist, not an accountant.” Despite the teasing tone, no one laughs at Sawyer’s joke.
“You’re right,” I say hoarsely, finally lifting my head to look at each of my brothers in turn. “I do need to work through some shit. But I don’t know if I can do that without fixing things with Heidi first.”
“So fix it.”
Jude’s simple statement hangs in the air between us, settling over me like a weighted blanket, offering comfort and hope.
The next day when my alarm goes off, I don’t feel quite as wrecked as I did yesterday. After coming home and shredding the paperwork into tiny pieces with my brothers as witnesses, we had some beer and pizza and just hung out. And I finally told them the truth. I told them about Cara and I told them about Heidi’s connection to Thad. I told them everything. And with the weight of those secrets finally lifted from my shoulders, I slept last night. Deeply, dreamlessly, restfully.
Finally getting some sleep should make me feel better about going in to work today. But when I pull up to the hospital, I don’t get out, ready to take on the day and right my wrongs. Instead, I sit in my car and stare at the building that defines so much of who I am.
I don’twantmy work to be the primary thing in my life anymore. This place, this job, it might be fulfilling, but it’s also heartbreaking in equal measure. I love my job, it is my calling. But I want to be more than Dr. Donnelly, or Max Donnelly, son and brother. I want to be Max Donnelly, love of Heidi Morgan’s life. I want to be her husband someday. I want to talk about having kids with her. I want to spend my life worshipping her and trying to prove to her that I deserve her love.
Which means I have to start today with apologizing and telling her I never submitted the paperwork. She was right, I was wrong, and I have my work cut out for me in begging for her forgiveness. Begging her to trust me again.
I make my way up to the ward, only to be met by Clarence getting off the elevator at the same time.
“Ah, Dr. Donnelly. Good to see you. How’s everything going?”
“Fine,” I reply curtly. He’s not the person I want to see right now, with the guilt over my near-transgression so fresh in my head. We reach the nursing station and my eyes dart around, looking for Heidi. Instead of finding her, I see Carson’s mother step out of his room and head toward Clarence and me.
“Dr. Donnelly, could I have a moment?” she asks quietly. I turn to her, grateful for the distraction.
“Of course.”
She twists her hands together, her eyes downcast. When she looks up, I see the moisture pooling, and my stomach drops. “Carson told us last night he doesn’t want to proceed with getting assessed for a transplant. We talked all night, and we want to respect his decision. I know you said you were working on his application, and I’m sorry to have wasted your time.”
I hold up a hand to interrupt. This is not good. I can feel the weight of Clarence’s stare at my back. “It’s fine, don’t apologize. Carson’s choice is the most important thing, and if you are all in agreement, that’s all that matters.”
She lets out a muffled sob, her hand coming to cover her mouth. “Thank you. We…I…I need to go, but we’ll see you when you come to his room. He’d like to talk with you.”
I nod and she turns to leave, hurrying back to her son’s bedside.
“Dr. Donnelly, let’s go to the conference room to discuss something.”
Clarence’s tone leaves no room for discussion. At that exact moment, I see Heidi just down the hall. Judging by the look on her face, she heard everything.
I move to follow Clarence down the hall and she falls in step beside me. “You don’t need to come,” I whisper quietly.
