Her lips press together.
“Like everything was in my head. Like it was one-sided. Like I was crazy.” She shrugs again. Her lips purse. She will not look at me.
I shake my head.
“No, Melly.”
I can hear my own voice. It’s rougher than it was a minute ago.
“That’s not true. I —”
Fuck. This is embarrassing to admit. This is the most embarrassing thing I have ever tried to say out loud to another human being, but she is lying in her bed in my hoodie picking at a thread and she has just told me that she spent years thinking she imagined it all, and there is nothing in this world that is going to stop me from getting this sentence out.
“I was just a kid. And after everything I saw my mom go through —”
She gives me a small knowing nod. She knows. She has always known. “Yeah, no, I’m not blaming you.”
“You weren’t crazy, Melly.”
I make myself look at her until her eyes come up.
“I didn’t know what I was doing. I still don’t. I have no idea what I’m doing right now, but I’m not a kid anymore, and back then it was — it was easier for me to pretend like I wasn’t feeling anything than to deal with what I was feeling.”
She tenses. Just a little.
“Say whatever you want to say,” I tell her. “I want to hear it.”
She shakes her head. The smile comes back, smaller this time, almost shy. “I just never thought you would ever talk to me like this. Like we’re hanging out. Like we’re actually talking.”
I want to kick my own ass.
I grin anyway because I cannot help but grin when she does, that has been true since I was twelve years old, and it is true now.
“I needed to grow up a little bit,” I tell her. “And distance makes the heart grow fonder.”
She shoves my shoulder.
“Seriously,” she says. “So, in high school, I wasn’t crazy?”
I shake my head. “Not that much.”
She rolls her eyes. “I really liked you.”
“I really liked you too.”
“You did?” She scoffs. She actually scoffs. She does not believe me. After everything that was said on this bed ten seconds ago, after the apology, after the I’m sorry for how I treated you back then, she still does not believe that I liked her in high school, and the not-believing is sitting on my chest like a weight, because this is what I did to her, this is the damage I did, this is the receipt I am going to be paying down for the rest of my life.
I nod, smiling. “Of course, Melly. How could I not?”
I stare at her, remembering what it felt like back then. I was fucking terrified of how big my feelings were for this girl. I thought if I scared her away, the feelings would go with it, but instead they stayed dormant until I saw her again.
“I remember the exact moment I knew I liked you.”
She goes very still.
I swallow. “You came to school in that blue outfit.”
She chuckles, covering her mouth. “Oh my god.”
