My shrug is awkwardly jerky, but he doesn’t notice because he’s too angry. “Well, what?” I ask.
“Reuben?” Grey says uneasily.
Xavier glares at him before turning to me. “Well, I guess I was wrong to be worried about you.”
“You were worried?”
His eyes are huge in his pale face. “I knew you were bothered about the funeral. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
I see Grey make a startled movement, but I carry on staring at Xavier, fixing his face in my memory. I won’t ever forget him.
“Well, as you can see, I’m fine.” It takes every bit of energy and will I have to make my tone cold. “Stop fixating on me. It’s getting a bit claustrophobic and boring. I can’t go anywhere without you checking on me like you’re my fucking wife.”
I’ve gone too far. Devastation’s making me clumsy. My harsh tone and cruel words make his face crumple for a horrible moment. Then he rallies. It makes me proud of him in a terrible way.
“So, who’s this?” he snaps, pointing to Grey. “Did you pick him up by the gravesite?” He glares at Grey. “He certainly looks ancient enough.”
Grey’s lips twitch. It figures. He admires bitchiness as if it were a valuable character trait.
I take a breath and make myself carry on with this awful thing. “This is who I was supposed to be meeting the day I picked you up in the bar. Xavier, meet Grey.”
Xavier flinches.
“Reuben,” Grey warns, his voice sharp. “Stop it.”
“Mind your own business,” Xavier snaps and turns back to me. “So, this is the fuck buddy, then?”
“Yep. We’ve been together a long time. Wait. You sound hurt.” I paste a pitying, concerned look on my face. “You didn’t actually think we were together, did you?” I gesture between us, my fingers shaking, but he doesn’t notice. He’s too hurt. My stomach twists like I’m going to throw up. This is for him. Not me. I have to make this right so he’ll heal quickly.
He swallows. “No, of course not,” he says low.
I paste a relieved look on my face. I hope it hides the devastation. “Well, that’s good. I’m sorry if you thought we were something else. I can’t ever be exclusive.”
“Really?”
He’s brave, my boy. Very brave to show his hurt and betrayal. Later, he’ll become cynical and cover when he’s hurt, but right now it’s fresh and cutting, and he shows me everything.
“Yes, of course.” I put on a concerned voice. “You can’t think we could be anything else, Xavier. You’re far too young for me to consider anything exclusive or long term. You must know that.”
He folds his arms. “Oh, should I? Why don’t you tell me in simple words, then, why we don’t matter, Methuselah?”
I hear Grey suck in a breath, but I steel myself. “You want me to be honest?”
“No, I want you tolieto me, Reuben,” he drawls.
I make myself shrug. “You’re far too young and desperate for attention.” That’s a low blow because I know that’s been a problem for him in the past, and I know it because he told me. He handed me the ammunition for his own execution. Thewords are broken glass in my throat, and they taste of copper and pain. “I can’t be constantly pandering to your need for acknowledgement. I have an important job to do, and no man will ever come in front of that.”
By the time I’ve finished talking, I feel like all the life has drained out of my body and Xavier is sheet white. The only sound I hear is the harsh sawing of my breath.
Xavier stares at me, and my lovely sunny boy is gone. His eyes sparkle with hatred. “You’ll miss me,” he whispers.
I suck in a breath that hurts. “Maybe, but not enough.”
“Oh, I’m going to make sure you do. Every day you’ll think of me.” He looks over at Grey. “Enjoy him while you can. Don’t stay too long or you’ll get freezer burn.” He tosses the keycard on the bed, his eyes taking in the crumpled sheets, and his face squeezes into distress for a brief second, but then it’s gone, hidden away where I can’t see it. “Thank Jez for the key.”
“What?” I jerk out.
He shakes his head and doesn’t reply. Instead, he looks me up and down and then turns and walks out of my life.
