“I’m his blood. That anger runs in me. What if…” My words drifted off into nothingness. I couldn’t even say them aloud.
A memory sparked to life. I hadn’t always been quiet like this. Hadn’t always taken the road less traveled, been the bigger person. Once I was hot and angry and let my emotions rule me. Dad had beaten most of that fight out of me. Most, but not all. Every now and then it rose to the surface, bubbling over and exploding.
What if I hurt them?
“Mav…Mav!” Cash’s hands gripped my shoulders, gently shaking me. I slowly lifted my gaze to lock with his.
Concern and sadness swirled on my cousin’s face. “You ain’t him. You ain’t ever gonna be him. You’re better. Always have been, and you always will.”
I didn’t know where all this anxiety and self-doubt was coming from. It always lurked there, I guess, but I was usually a bit better at hiding it. But so much had happened, so much had changed in such a short time. My entire world had been flipped upside down, ripped inside out, and finally righted, and I was still trying to get my bearings. I thought I’d known what I wanted in life, but then Cheyenne came in like some wild, west Texas storm and now I couldn’t imagine—didn’t want—a life without her in it.
And I was terrified, completely and utterly terrified, that I would somehow fuck it all up.
Cash squeezed my shoulder once more, dragging me back to the present.
“I’m scared I ain’t gonna be good enough for them,” I finally admitted aloud.
Cash just shook his head, a small, soft smile coming to his lips as he huffed a laugh. “Mav, you’re the best man I know…You’re good at just about every damn thing, and I don’t think there’s a more perfect job for you than being a dad.”
The lump in my chest grew larger, moisture pricking in my eyes. I cleared my throat, but Cash went on before I could get any words out. “You might get angry. You might yell every now and then, but who doesn’t? I mean look at Dad. He fucked up every once in a while. He raised his voice and got on us, but he apologized when he was wrong and taught us how to focus that anger.”
I nodded. Those first few months with Uncle Bad and Aunt Violet were hard for me. I’d never been in a loving household, and while Bad seemed rough around the edges, he was like leather, give him some time, and he’d soften right up. He was firm but fair, and wiser than any man I knew.
He’d taught me it ain’t about suppressing the anger, but channeling it. I channeled it into learning new things.
Cash clapped me on the shoulder. “You’re kind, patient, understanding. You were always there to defend me, protect me, encourage me, push me. I have no doubt you’re gonna do that for that little girl.”
My lip quivered up into the barest hint of a smile, hope and pride winning out against the war of emotions within me. “You think?” I asked earnestly.
Cash grinned. “I fuckin’ know so. Now, do me a favor…channel all that anger and frustration into winning the Hill Country Jackpot next weekend.”
I grinned, happy for the change in subject. “I can do that,” I replied with a nod, glancing over toward the barn. Cason stood about five feet behind the dummy, situating the rope in his hands. “Come on,” I said, “let’s go give him some pointers.”
Cash nudged me in the shoulder as we started off that way. “I don’t know, man. I think pretty soon that kid’s gonna rope better than you or I even.”
I chuckled. “Speak for yourself.”
But he wasn’t entirely wrong. Cason had all the makings of being a great cowboy. Then again, when you lived with three professionals and had the infamous Bad Mooney training you almost daily, you weren’t destined for anything but greatness.
Cheyenne was quiet asher and Charlie came to check on Cason, giving me space until everyone had left. A pang of guilt shot through my heart. So, she’d noticed. I’d hoped I’d hidden my anxiety well enough, but guess I hadn’t been fooling anyone.
“Wanna drive back to the house?” I asked, nodding at the old ranch truck.
Cheyenne huffed a laugh. “That piece of shit is one drive away from breakin’ down. I’d rather just get a move on and walk.”
With a nod, we started off for the house, the crunch of dirt and gravel under our feet the only sound for a few long, tense moments as I gathered my thoughts and tried to figure out what to say. “I’m sorry,” I finally managed to get out. “I’ve been in my head a lot tonight, but I don’t want you thinkin’ you’d done somethin’ wrong.”
She pulled her jacket around her tighter as she nodded and met my gaze. “Wanna talk about it?”
No. I’d rather get kicked in the ribs than talk about my problems and insecurities, but she deserved the truth. We were a team after all. And a team was only as strong as its weakest player. So, with a nod, I said, “Mentionin’ my sister brought up some…well, some not great emotions about my family.”
“I’m sorry.” She reached out a hand, grasping for mine. It was cold despite being tucked into her jacket pocket. I pulled her closer to me, trying to give any extra warmth I could.
“It ain’t your fault. I don’t talk about my family much, because, well, I didn’t have the greatest upbringin’.”
“Cash and Bad mentioned a bit when you weren’t talkin’,” she said softly, blue eyes flicking to mine as she tried to gauge my reaction.
I blew out a breath. “I’m sure whatever they told you was mild in comparison to what all I remember.”
