‘What do you know about that?’
‘Don’t turn this on me. Iwasyoung once.’
I knew a little of her history, although not much, I realised. ‘And you loved Dad once too? Or did you have another grand love affair in your twenties?’
‘I know I’m not the best person to give you advice,’ she began, her voice shaking, ‘but commitment at your age always comes at a cost. You need to live your life first.’
And Leesa needed to live hers.
‘I know that. I’m not Lori.’ Although before last year, I wouldn’t have imagined my sister could commit to a life-changing relationship.
‘Of course not. You’re the man. You’d make your partner compromise for you and your career. I was so afraid Lori would give it all up for love last year. I’m still worried it will come to that in the future.’
She didn’t know how her words were landing with me; they felt like a hundred needles, pricking me with conviction. I couldn’t live with myself if I made Leesa give something up, but the thought of letting her go forever made my lungs seize up.
It was September all over again, when I’d given in to the urge to spill some feelings and caused more pain than I’d ever imagined. I still had that stupid cardboard sign at home, the one that had indirectly caused her broken arm. If she ever saw the back… I should have tossed it a long time ago.
‘I’ve taken on board your advice,’ I said lightly to Mum. ‘You guys raised us to compete and I respect that,’ I continued, although it made me think of Leesa and her intelligence and her struggles with success and failure. Her parents would be horrified if she tossed in her job, her ambitions, to follow a cyclist around Europe.
Mum leaned her head on my shoulder. ‘You’ve grown up a lot over the past two years.’
‘I’ve been an adult for seven, Mum,’ I grumbled.
‘Yes, but…’ She wisely didn’t finish that sentence. ‘No matter what your father wants for you,Ibelieve you’re ready to win.’
No matter how many times I’d talked the big talk – even the number one tattooed on my arse – I had to admit I wasn’t sure I could hang onto that dream. Here were some home truths I could never admit to MumorDad. But maybe Leesa would have understood.
‘The adrenaline will see me over the line on the first stage, and each of the 21 stages after that,’ I assured Mum.
28 March, four years ago
Leesa
We rolled over the finish line of the roughest of races on a miserable day with a groan in unison. I’d punctured; Doortje had skidded out while trying to avoid street furniture and Lori had been left with no team support for her doomed late attack.
It was a day to forget, to wash away in the Flanders gloom.
Our DS Alf gave us commiserating hugs as he ushered us to the warm-down bikes, protected from the drizzle by an awning. I was longing for a shower, but I had to stay warm in the horrible weather until then.
‘What the fuck?’ Lori was on her warm-down bike already, but she wasn’t pedalling. ‘Someone put a Chris Hemsworth sticker on my bike.’
‘Is it supposed to warm you up?’ Doortje suggested with a laugh as she peered at the bike set up for her. ‘Ha! I’ve got Scarlett Johansson! Top choice.’
On the other bikes we found Harry Styles, Orlando Bloom and Idris Elba and I was kind of disappointed when one of the other girls got the Paul Rudd sticker. The swannies had obviously been busy preparing to cheer us up on our ignoble return to the team bus.
‘Who’ve you got, Leesa?’ Doortje called out as I approached the bike with my specs, set up at the end of the line.
I peeked at the stem and that warmth of anticipation dissipated in an instant. ‘Hmm,’ I began, glancing around for a hidden camera, but not seeing anything. Whether this was being recorded or not, I suspected who was behind this and it wasn’t the swannies.
Did he think I was an easy target? Last time the men’s and women’s teams had been in the same city, he’d frozen all of our toothbrushes in clumps of ice while we were racing, but this felt… personal.
‘What?’ Lori prompted.
Just as I was getting up on the bike, I caught a hint of movement at the door of the bus. Hewaswatching, the jackass.
Straightening as my legs started spinning through the warm-down, I raised my voice as I said with as much carelessness as I could muster, ‘I have the unmatched Hollywood legend… Steve Buscemi.’
Chapter 25
