Maybe I shouldn’t have leaned into the sarcasm, because Mum looked stricken. ‘Me separating from your father is no reflection on you.’
‘Maybe not, but it doesn’t encourage me to try out commitment myself.’ Unless a miracle occurred and Leesa Kubicka stood before me in a white dress. I’d run as fast as I could to the altar, which was a rather disturbing thought.
‘Well, that’s for the best.’
Pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes, I grumbled, ‘Thanks so much for confirming that I’m not relationship material, Mum.’
She leaned forward and brushed her hand lightly over my cheek, the way she’d done when I was young. I wondered if she realised how important those little caresses had been for my mental health.
‘It’s not about being relationship material. You have other priorities right now. I’d hate to see you take on too much and not succeed at any of it.’
Because a good result at the Tour de France was so similar to a committed relationship – both came with pressure for success.
‘Colin, I can see it’s bothering you this year. Is it because you’re a favourite?’
My only answer was a gulp.
‘Listen to me, no one’s expectations matter except your own.’
That earned a snort in response. ‘I know a lot of sports psychology is crap, but that takes the cake. Dad has spent half his life preparing for this. He’s brought in a team of amazing support riders. He’s trying to sign a major sponsor to fill the hole in next year’s budget and that sponsor has been stuck withmeas their talent. If I screw up—’ I didn’t even want to finish that sentence.
‘Has something your father said upset you?’
‘No,’ I insisted immediately, leaning my neck on the back of the chair and staring up at the sky. ‘He’s a tough old codger, but that’s nothing new. I wouldn’t have got here without him.’
‘But?’
‘But nothing. He’s my coach, as well as the team manager. He’s supposed to criticise me and, if I occasionally take it personally, that’s my fault. Also nothing new.’
She sighed somewhat dramatically. ‘I wish I’d never let him coach you two. First he turned Lori against me and now this. He’s yourfather, Colin. If he’s made you feel unloved—’
‘He just shows his love in a weird way,’ I mumbled, thinking of that text-message exchange with Leesa yesterday. Swapping stories about our European extended family, our difficult parents, had made me feel closer to someone 1,000 km away than anyone currently in this country. ‘But seriously, Mum, I don’t need a pep talk.’
‘All right,’ she acquiesced reluctantly. ‘I’m glad I was imagining things anyway. After Lori last season…’
‘Imagining what things?’ I asked, taking a sip of my soda water and gazing out at the distant hills over the river.
‘Oh, the restlessness, all the time spent on your phone. I thought you might have got distracted with a girl.’
Damn the bits of Irish in my complexion. I didn’t want to admit anything, because what was the point, when Leesa would be gone again in a few weeks? But I suspected it would be pointless to deny it.
‘You aren’t… distracted by a girl, are you?’ The pained tone was back.
‘What difference would it make?’ Something was expanding in my chest, threatening to tumble out of my mouth in a confession Mum didn’t want to hear. My stupid heart. It wanted acknowledgement, affirmation, something to feed these feelings that I shouldn’t even have – feelings I would take with me into the Tour, che sarà and all that.
‘Is it serious?’
‘Why are you asking? Because you’d bribe her to stay away from me?’ I hated when my own jokes bit me in the arse. I’d tell Leesa to take the money and run.
‘Who is it? How have you even had time?’
‘I haven’t,’ I said, trying to calm her down – trying to calm myself down. ‘There’s no one.’
‘You’re still so young. At your age, these things grow out of proportion.’
She didn’t have to be right, on top of everything else. ‘I said there was no one,’ I insisted through gritted teeth.
‘If you’re not ready, love can… twist and consume you and you have too much ahead of you to let that happen.’
