She smiled down at me and ushered me back towards the McCoys.
‘We would offer you a hug too but we know it wouldn’t compare to that one,’ said Mr McCoy.
‘Come here,’ I said with open arms and I hugged them both as tightly as I could. When I let go I don’t know how to describe it but I felt vast. I felt open. I felt full. I felt like what was swelling up inside couldn’t be held in any longer; when I got home that night I lifted the phone and dialled.
57
‘Well, young Brendan,’ said Mr Feeney, sitting behind his desk, looking exactly how he always did; shabby dressing gown open with his hairy chest on display, a huge mug of tea with the steam wafting up in front of his ever-tired face. ‘Another cryptic phone call from you, I’m beginnin’ to feel like we’re inMission: Impossible.’ I laughed. ‘But tell me this, how’re you keepin’?’
‘Keeping well, Mr Feeney, keeping well.’
‘You’re certainly lookin’ well.’
‘Aye, well, it’s been a hard old time of it and I know it’s going to be a hard old year to come.’
‘Aye, the first year is the hardest. Grief is a complicated thing.’
‘But I think there’s goodness in the grief too, Mr Feeney.’
‘I’ve never heard it put that way before, Brendan, “goodness in the grief”, but you’re right. Grief does have its positives; it’s the thing that sits on top to let the healin’ happen underneath. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy, it does not indeed, and things can sneak up on you when you least expect it. But “goodness in the grief”, you’ve some way of seein’ things, young fella,you do indeed. You remember what I said to you many moons ago about havin’ the right manner for this business? That, right there, that’s exactly what I’m talkin’ about.’
‘Well, that’s actually what I wanted to talk about myself, Mr Feeney. Especially with you just saying about healing and things sneaking up on you. Pain sneaks up on you. And there’s so much pain out there, isn’t there?’
‘Indeed there is. The world over.’
‘And so this got me thinking about you and what you do and how you’re something like a kind of healer for people in pain. You take it away like a … like a … I don’t know what.’
‘Like a painkiller,’ said Mr Feeney. ‘Or no, not …’
‘No, maybe not “killer”,’ I laughed.
‘Aye, no.’
‘Aye, but it’s pain relief, isn’t it?’
‘That’s the word.’
‘And there’s something about me that, I don’t know, not that I feel good about other people’s pain but I do feel something. Something I’d like to think about, you know, down the line?’
Mr Feeney sat back with his chest puffed out and slowly nodded once with his eyes closed and then opened them again.
‘Not many fellas like yourself about these days, Brendan, fellas with somethin’ … somethin’ special.’
‘I don’t know about that, Mr Feeney, I think I’ve been given chances to feel special, I think that’s what it is. You’re one of the people who gave me a chance because I never felt as special as when I drove Ronan. It felt like an honour because he was my best friend, but I actually think it would be an honour to be able to do it for anyone, it’s the last thing that can be done, isn’t it?’
‘That’s it indeed. We are the ones who do all that’s left to be done. And itisan honour. And we do it with all the dignity and respect that we can; as if they were our own.’
I sat back and nodded.
‘Are you tellin’ me what I think you’re tellin’ me, young fella?’
‘I maybe think I am, Mr Feeney.’
‘And plans for further education? What’s happenin’ with that?’
‘Not happening probably.’
‘That’s a big decision. What do the parents say?’
