‘And that worked and he stopped his heavy breathing. Padraig and Malachy looked at us like we were freaks, but I tried to ignore that and told Malachy to kick the ball over, and when he did Danny laughed and we ended up playing a pretty decent game together.’
‘That’s good,’ said Patricia.
‘Yeah. Then Mum called us in for pizza – and Danny only eats plain cheese now, he used to love Hawaiian, and this was his first time eating with people outside the family.’ Simon was starting to smile and giggle. ‘And he’s a flipping messy eater now, even more than he was before, it’s kinda funny, I know it shouldn’t be, but he doesn’t give a damn if he’s got tomato sauce all round his mouth or cheese hanging down or crumbs all over the place, we just normally let him work away and worry about cleaning up after. But Padraig and Malachy were looking at Danny and, if I’m honest, they looked disgusted and it made me really angry, but I didn’t say anything. I just tried to eat my own pizza. Padraig and Malachy hardly touched theirs. They were two wet blankets the whole time and you know what, Patricia? I’m sort of glad I had that experience because it proves who Danny’s real friends are and it’s not them. I told Mum after they’d left, “Let’s not invite them round again,” and you know what? She agreed, didn’t she, Dad?’ Simon said, looking at the man sitting next to him. ‘So it was a bad experience but a goodlesson. I know now who his best friend is, he doesn’t have anyone else, so it’s me,’ he said proudly.
‘And what a lucky fella he is to have you.’
‘Thanks, Patricia,’ said Simon with his chest out.
Nearly everyone shared a piece of news from their week.
‘The hospital finally came to remove the bed,’ said Mrs McCoy. ‘We’d been phoning them nearly every day.’
‘And you hear stories of them crying out for beds,’ said Mr McCoy.
‘So, it’s back to being the spare room now,’ said Mrs McCoy.
The group, with powerful silence, seemed to offer their understanding.
‘That’s one of the hardest parts,’ said a woman across the circle. ‘When my Fiona passed away I kept the room with all her medical stuff in it untouched for months. Even though I didn’t go inside I got a bit of comfort knowing everything was still there, as if I could still hold the reality of all the care we’d given her, but the actual reality was that it was holding me back in my grieving process.’ The McCoys were both leaning forward and nodding. ‘Same with Fiona’s old bedroom,’ the woman continued. ‘I didn’t touch a thing in there since before her accident and now that it’s been over a year since she passed I don’t think I ever will. There’s just so much of her in there and that’s about as close as I can get to Fiona. I go in every morning, have a wee sit on her bed, and it brings me real peace and happiness when I can start my day with my daughter.’
I looked at Mr and Mrs McCoy, knowing that they had preserved Ronan’s bedroom too.
Patricia looked around the group, searching for anyone who might speak next.
‘Um, can I say something?’ The words came out of my mouth all by themselves, it seemed.
‘I don’t really know what I want to say.’ I could feel myself going red.
‘Preaching to the choir, Brendan. Who here in this room hasn’t said those very words?’
Everyone made hums and nods of agreement.
‘Sometimes, Brendan, we just feel there’s words inside but we don’t know the order they want to come out in until we let them take the lead, so, just let them lead you.’
I took a breath.
‘OK, well, I’ve been sitting here tonight feeling … I don’t know … regret or something. About not being here sooner, but it feels selfish to say that, I think … because … well, no because I’m not … because I definitely feel other things tonight too, like admiration, hearing everyone else speak, hearing a little piece of everyone’s story. Because I have pieces as well … the pieces of Ronan; I mean, the pieces of our story … feels like there’s too many pieces sometimes; all the pieces of who he was before the accident, all the pieces of who he was after, and then there’s the pieces of him as they are in my head right now. Maybe one day they’ll all kind of fit together but at the minute they’re all scattered and unconnected, lost … andIget lost sometimes in between all those pieces … in the spaces in between. It’s like … have you ever noticed that when you look into the black spaces between stars? Like if you really focus on the black it makes the stars look brighter? Much brighter than if you looked at them directly? Well, it’s like that sort of … I think that’s what grief kind of is or maybe just my weird view of it. But I think that’s a bit like what I’m doing … looking into the darkness to try to see how bright the pieces can be on their own … I mean, because … I’ve started doing this thing in my head where I think of all those special pieces of Ronan and turn each one into a star and create a whole constellation in my head. And the constellation is so huge that, even thoughmy eyes are closed, I’m blinded by how white it is. And when I open my eyes I still have the blindness for a few seconds before it starts to fade and I’m back in the real world again and it just doesn’t feel as good. But I think … I think it helps.’
I stopped, aware of how silent the room felt and how loud my voice seemed.
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I don’t know where that all came from.’
Patricia was looking at me with a huge closed-mouth smile. I looked over at Mr and Mrs McCoy and their faces were wet. I felt a hand on my knee. It was Simon’s; his face was wet too. In fact, others in the circle seemed to be sniffing and wiping their eyes.
‘Sorry,’ I said again.
‘Brendan,’ said Patricia. ‘That’s a banned word in this room, but you’re new so I’ll forgive you this time, but never apologise for yourself or your feelings or for how much Ronan means to you. You say you don’t know where those words came from but we all do, don’t we, folks?’
Nods and sounds of agreement from all.
‘We watched those words come right up from out of that chest of yours, straight from your strong beating heart. Never, ever feel sorry for that,’ Patricia said, getting to her feet. ‘And this “regret” business, another banned word here. We can have no regrets for the things we did or feel we didn’t do, we did all that we could and that is a force that is entirely regret-free.’ She was just a few feet from me. ‘How do you feel after that, Brendan?’
‘Good,’ I said, letting out a big breath and a kind of laugh. ‘I think.’
‘Well, we’re in the business of goodness here and what a gift of goodness you brought to us all here tonight. Thank you, Brendan. How would you feel about another hug?’ she said with her arms stretched out. I stood up straight away, took three steps and found myself in another tight, comforting squeeze.
‘Now,’ said Patricia, releasing me. ‘Let’s all go out there this week and take a leaf from the book of Brendan and make our own constellations, folks. Let’s end on that. See you all next week.’
