“She was on to something, man,” he laughs, slapping my back. “Still up for lunch? Bet there’ll be sunshine by noon.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you at lunch,” I agree begrudgingly before pushing the glass doors open to my section of the floor.
I offer a polite smile to the receptionist as I pass—Valerie or Veronica. I can’t quite remember but definitely something with a V. She’s introduced herself enough times that Ishouldknow, but I can’t find the will to care long enough to lock it in. Names require effort. Conversation requires even more.
I stick with just being polite and that’s enough for me. If I don’t remember her name, she can’t mistake my kindness for interest. Especially not with those heart-shaped eyes she keeps aiming in my direction, like she’s hoping one day I’ll catch them and meet her halfway.
I won’t, but not because she isn’t cute. I’m sure if I paid attention for even five seconds, I’d find something positive about her. But it’ll never be more than just that—a small thing I’m forcing myself to notice.
I settle into my gray paneled cubicle, falling into my chair and looking out my window at another sunless sky.
Before I moved here, I asked him if the weather was really as bad as everyone says. He told me it wasn’t. Told me people exaggerated. Which was a lie.
Seattle has turned Brian into a liar.
I guess I can’t blame him. This place has a way of changing people. Of dulling the edges, the color fading out of you one gray day at a time.
For example, it’s turned me into a ghost. Someone who drifts through wet streets and crowded rooms unnoticed, leavingno imprint behind. Just another shadow swallowed up by the lack of vitamin D.
I sigh a defeated breath, mentally apologizing to the beautiful city. It’s unfair of me to blame my current state on the only place that’s offered me a new page to turn. Seattle knows the truth just as much as I do—that I was a ghost before my feet even touched down at that airport. I arrived here this way, empty and distant and barely existing. To be honest, the weather here is perfectly fitting.
Overall, life is not so bad. I wouldn’t say I’ve found things that excite me or people I want to spend my days with, but I don’t hate it here. Acceptance will do that to you.
I remove my laptop from my bag and power it on, tapping a pen in my hand as I wait for it to boot up. The mindless beat begins to sound like one of those songs she used to play, and suddenly, unforgettable winter blue eyes are front and center in my mind.
Go to Seattle, Jake.
A cold shiver runs through me as Alana’s last words ring in my head, her tear-filled dismissal after I poured my heart out to her and everything in it. I ignore the discomfort it brings, but I can't hide the sadness.
Her voice is getting weaker in my mind. I can barely remember the light southern drawl she sometimes had. Or the sound of her full belly laugh. Or the taste of her soft lips…
I’m not letting you give this up.
I let out another heavy sigh, my head falling into my hands, fingers running through my hair.What I wouldn’t do to give all of this up, if it gave meher.
My body tenses uncomfortably.
“I can’t do this today.” I shut my laptop and stand, pushing my chair into my desk before I beeline straight to the stairwell.
I’ll text Brian later and tell him I’m skipping lunch. I can’t be here right now. I can’t do this again—pretend I’m a normally functioning adult when I’m standing on the edge of giving everything up to chase a woman who doesn’t want me in return.
I shove my hands into my pockets as I trek down the city blocks toward my neighborhood. My fingers come around a crumpled piece of paper, and I carefully pull it out. I don’t need to unfold it to know what it is—Alana’s graduation ticket.
Every graduating student received two tickets for friends and family, which obviously included me. I had no desire to walk for graduation, nor did I need the pressure of choosing between my mother and her newest boyfriend or my father and the woman he left my mother for as attendants.
I sat with those tickets for a long time, allowing them to burn holes in my dresser. In a restless moment, I looked Parker up on Florida’s state penitentiary site. I don’t know what made me do it. But when I saw he was scheduled for early release, I told myself it meant something.
I wrote him a letter, first explaining who I was, then giving him everything he’d need to get to the event. I folded the piece of paper carefully, like that might somehow protect it. Protecther, one last time.
I don’t know if he made it. The last sliver of hope I have makes me believe that he did.
Hope is what keeps us going when everything else falls apart. People need hope.
My lips curve up despite myself.Yeah, Alana,I tell her in my mind.I get that now.
I kept the second ticket for myself, endlessly praying I’d find the courage to see her walk across that stage. But I couldn’t shake her last words from my mind—that me loving her didn’t change anything. That itonly made things worse.
I didn’t want that. I want her life to be simple and peaceful, even if that means being a ghost in mine. At least we’re both ghosts in mine.
