“Why can’t it? Why won’t it be fine?”
“Because it won’t!My lifewon’t. And I’m not dragging you down with me.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“You should,” is all I offer. I’ve already said too much.
A silence falls between us, and Jake lets out a frustrated breath.This is for the best, I repeat to myself.If you don’t let him go now, you’ll only hurt him more.
“I don’t understand where this is coming from. I get that your dad called you and that brought some stuff up for you—”
“It’s not justsome stuff. It's my life, Jake. That call was a reality check, and it’s time I start acting like I know what’s coming. I’m sorry. This is my fault. I never should’ve…”
“Hung out with me? Been my friend? You haven’t done anything wrong, Alana.”
I tilt my head to the sky, tears streaming down my face.
“What about everything you said about hope?” he asks softly.
“Hope…” My breath catches in my throat. His free hand comes up to the other side of my neck, firmer this time, his eyes pleading.
“Not everything has hope, Jake. Some things just…are,” I breathe.
“Nah, no way. There’s no way that’s true.Yougave me hope, Alana. In my darkest time, you came in with your bright smile and your ponytail, swinging left and right while telling me all about myself. Telling me all about hope. How it’s the fuel that keeps us going when the whole world crumbles around us. And now you’re telling me it only applies tosomethings? That there isn’t any left for you?” He shakes his head. “I don’t believe it. I don’t believe there’s no hope for the girl who saw it when I didn’t. I think if there’s hope for anyone, there’s hope for you and your life andyourfuture. Whatever it is you’re dealing with, whatever your life is or was or will be, Ican’tfix it, okay? I know that, but I can at least be here. At least I can give you that.”
My heart quakes as the earnest weight of his words settles over me. I forget how to breathe. All I can do is stand here, caught between the ache of what I’m letting go and the terrifying beauty of being seen.
“You don’t understand. This version of my life is not real. What I told you last night, that’s only a piece of it. A fraction of the madness that’s on my plate. I can’t stay here, Jake. I have to go back to my life. And being around you, getting close to you is making me wish that I didn’t. It’s a distraction I don’t need right now.”
“Allie, I won’t… I’m not gonna—”
“No! Listen to me, Jake.” My chest heaves as I step back, shaking. “It’s over, okay? Our friendship, whatever this is, it has to end.”
“Alana.”
“Ithasto.”
Everyone leaves. One day he will, too. But the reality is, I’ll have to first.
Silence stretches between us, thick and unbearable. I release a trembling breath, my pulse thrumming in my ears as his eyes dart between mine, searching for any sign that I don’t mean it. My hands find his wrists and pull them away, slowly, deliberately, even though it feels like tearing out the one piece of this life I want to keep most.
He lets go. I turn and walk away while everything inside me breaks.
“You’re wrong, Alana!” he yells at my back. “Not everyone leaves. That’s a promise! I’m not going anywhere.”
I don’t turn around. If I see his beautiful face, if I think about the warmth of his touch, or the kindness in his eyes, I’ll run right to him, and I won’t let him go until it’s too late for both of us.
It’s for the best, I tell myself, each step more weighted than the last.
It’s for the best, I repeat, knowing no part of me, not even an inch, will ever truly believe it.
Track 14
“Morning Star" Nat King Cole, 1958
JAKE
TWO WEEKS. She’s avoided me for two whole weeks.
