I want to move her so she’ll be more comfortable. I want to carry her to bed and tuck her in with a soft kiss on her forehead before I slip out. But my body is stone. My blinks are slow and laggard, and I have to forcefully widen my eyes to keep from falling asleep more than once before I finally give up. I blink one last time before the comfortable darkness cloaks my body, and I accept losing my war to sleep.
I feel a weight on my chest a second later, a soft rosewater fragrance filling my space. Warmth covers me as her body falls into the crook of my arm. My arm rolls off the back of the couch and instinctively comes down over her, covering her. Holding her, and everything she’s given me.
In my final thought before sleep pulls me under, I accept how perfect it feels to have her on my chest, in my arms. Like floating on a cloud as I drift into something that feels almost sacred. A kind of heavenly bliss I never knew existed.
I think I was wrong to call this feeling a completion. Or maybe not entirely. Because yes, it is the complete end of something. But I know it’s also the beginning of something much,muchmore.
Track 13
“Dream a Little Dream of Me” Nat King Cole, 1953
ALANA
Crash.
Bang.
Crash, crash, bang.
My eyes snap open, and my skin begins to prickle. My heart pounds so hard, I can hear it in my ears. I’m scared. My room is so dark. What was that sound? My mind starts to fill with scary thoughts, and I’ve never been so terrifiedin my life. I cling to Tebby, the velvet terry cloth bear Parker gave me two Christmases ago. Tebby’s my best friend. Other than Parker, he’s my favorite thing in the whole world. P said Tebby would protect me when he wasn’t here. I wish Pwerehere. He’s the bravest big brother I know. Maybe it’s because he’s eleven. I hope I’ll be brave like P when I’m eleven.
There’s another bang, and it makes me shiver. And then a crash. It sounds like glass is breaking. It happens again, and Isqueeze my eyes shut as I silently beg it all to go away. I can hear Mommy crying. Daddy’s voice sounds scary when he yells. Please stop yelling, Daddy. You’re making Mommy cry.
My tears start to wet my pillow. I don’t mean to be crying, but I can’t stop. I’m trying to be quiet, but it’s too hard when I’m crying so much. My heart feels like it’s being broken and I’m so, so scared. P says Daddy gets angry because he isn’t as strong anymore, but he seems strong to me. He still hurts Mommy. He grabs her face, and he forces her down and—
A sliver of light pierces through my room as my door creaks open, and my savior slips inside. “Lana Lane, shh, it’s okay. I’m here.”
“P!” I mean to whisper it, but my heart is so excited, it comes out too loud.
P holds a finger against his lips. “Shh, we’ll get in trouble. Scoot over.”
I move Tebby to my other side as I shimmy over to the far edge of my bed to make room for my brother. He nestles in beside me and cradles an arm around my shoulders, bringing me and Tebby under it. He holds us close, and I take a big breath. My brother is with me now. Everything will be alright.
“It’s okay, Lana Lane. I’m here,” he says as his hand gently glides against my shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay.”
“Why are they fighting?” I ask through sniffles.
“It doesn’t matter. Just don’t think about it, okay? Just think about… Think about the songs we used to sing when everything was good. Do you remember the songs Mom would play on the record player?” I nod, but I really don’t remember. “Good. Think about those, okay? Think about when Mom and Dad would dance in the kitchen and we would run up and hug them. Do you remember that? Think about that, okay? Think about good things, Lana.”
I try my hardest to think about what P is saying, but my brain is too fuzzy. My throat starts to feel tight. I’m nervous to let P down. I start to shake again. “I don’t remember,” I cry. “I’m sorry.”
“No, shh. It’s okay, Lana. Just… Just imagine something. Imagine a good thing. Can you do that?”
I nod again.
“Tell me a good thing you’re thinking of.”
I squeeze my eyes closed and try to think of something good like playing pirates in our old yard at the house on the tree-lined street, but it won’t stick. My mind is too blurry, too scared about the yelling and banging coming from the other side of the door. I don’t want it to find its way here. I want to stay safe with P. I wish we could disappear so no one would find us. We could disappear with Mommy, and come get Daddy when he’s better. Then we could all be happy.
I look out my window and see the moon, big and white, and I wonder if it can see me back. If the moon can see our home and if it knows what’s happening here. I wonder if it makes the moon sad, too. I think God lives on the moon. That’s why it has a face.
Something else smashes—glass, maybe—and I shudder again before tensing and slamming my eyes shut. Parker holds me tighter.
“It’s okay,” P says again. “I’ll give you my good thing, okay? You ready?” I nod a quick yes, my eyes still closed tight. “But you have to keep it safe, okay? It’s my best one. You promise?” I nod again. “You have to say it, Lana.”
He looks down at me, and I open my eyes to give him my word. “I promise, P.”
“Okay.” Parker takes a deep breath. “Close your eyes.” I do. “We’re at the beach, just you and me. The waves are loud. They keep crashing against the sand, but we run away before it gets us.The sun is so warm on our skin, it's like the sun is hugging us. Can you feel it?” A smile starts to curve my lips as I nod. “Ahh, it’s so warm, and the sand. The sand is so soft and warm, too. It’s like…like…”
