"Okay…tell me what you need." Billy’s palm rose to cup Rosa's cheek again. Rosa followed the movement, covering Billy's hand.
"I like this…things like this, just being intimate together again. Last night was what we needed, and it was wonderful, and a reminder of how good things can be. This is the ‘but’ part, " she said, smiling. "We were good like that before and then everything fell apart, and so I want… No, Ineedto ease back into this." She held Billy's gaze, eyes wide and clear. "I'm not backing away. I'm just asking for some time to gently find our way back to one another."
Billy nodded, a slow smile curving her lips. "I'm good with that." Her thumb rubbed gently against Rosa's cheek. "Tell me what that looks like."
"Well," Rosa chuckled, "I suppose…kissing is nice…and touch. I like feeling your hands on me again." Her cheeks reddened and Billy kept smiling. "And I like touching you, but I don't want every time we do to be this mad rush to get naked and then we miss out on something we also need to be doing."
"And what's that?"
"Finding each other. We're not the same people we were the last time we did this and I think that's a good thing, because it means we have the potential to do it all differently now. I need to learn this new version of you… Iwantto learn who you are now, because I quite like her." She laughed. "God, I sound ridiculous." She looked away, but Billy grasped her chin between her fingers and pulled her gaze back up to her own.
"You don't sound ridiculous. You sound like someone who knows what they want and isn't afraid to ask for it, and that…that's really attractive, and even though it feels vulnerable and scary, you're doing it anyway." She leant in and kissed Rosasoftly. When she pulled back, she grinned. "I like kissing too. I like hugging as well," Billy said, arms moving to wrap around Rosa and pull her close. "Is that okay?" she asked when Rosa hesitated just a second before her arms tightened around Billy.
“Yes…” Rosa whispered against Billy's chest. "Just feels surreal after all this time, being in your arms again. I keep thinking it's a dream and I'm going to wake up in a minute and feel very stupid."
Billy pressed a kiss against Rosa's head. "Well, it's a good job it isn't a dream then. I was thinking…maybe we have a quick tidy up, throw some more wood on that fire, and think about making something to eat…and then, play cards or a game?"
Rosa leant back to look up at Billy. "Do we have cards or a game?"
"Yep. Found some yesterday when I was searching for a torch and emergency equipment."
Rosa laughed. "Then that sounds like a wonderful way to spend an afternoon trapped in a snow-covered cabin, on a mountain, with you."
Chapter twenty-seven
"Snap!" Billy shouted, slapping her palm down over the pile of cards between them on the couch. "Too slow." She grinned and snatched up the cards she'd won.
"Honestly, it's like playing with Imogen when she was six." Rosa laughed and reached for her glass. She took a sip of water and placed it back down again, still smiling.
"Six? That's at least an eight-year-old's gloat, surely." Billy's grin faded and she looked up at Rosa. "What else was she like?"
Rosa frowned. "Imogen?"
"Yeah…I missed out on a lot, and I can't get that time back, but…I wonder, you know, what she was like. What things did she enjoy? What made her laugh?"
"She was very big on Lego at one point. She'd ask for those for birthdays and Christmases and then spend hours building them all…never wanted help to do it." Rosa smiled at the memory. "And then once they were built, we'd take a picture of her holding it, then she'd take it all apart again and put it back in the box. The photo went into her Lego photo album."
Billy listened, saying nothing.
"When Covid hit, she took them all out, and one by one, rebuilt them, and this time they sat on her shelf for a little while before she eventually put them all back in their boxes." Rosa topped up her drink from the bottle of water on the table. "Of course, she lovedFrozen. Her favourite character was Olaf. She'd laugh and sing those songs all day. I have to admit, I was kind of glad when she grew out of it." Rosa laughed. "There's only so many times you can hearLet It Gobefore you want to let it go."
"Covid must have been difficult."
Rosa shrugged. "In some ways. It was scary at first, wasn't it?" Billy nodded. "I'd worry about Imogen and constantly wash her hands, and I cleaned everything she might touch, but then you settle into a routine and things ease. I made sure that she had lots of screen time with friends and family, and of course she had to do her schoolwork, so that kept her busy. We'd watchDoctor Whotogether, and to keep active we ran around the garden with our own Olympics."
Billy grinned. "That sounds amazing." She reached out a hand, her palm landing on Rosa's knee. "You really are an awesome parent."
"I just did what I could under the circumstances. But thank you."
"She's grounded, and kind, and funny. And that's all down to you," Billy said. Her eyes were glassy as she spoke.
"She's funnier since you came back into her life, and she's more aware of herself because of you." Rosa straightened and exhaled slowly before she admitted, "At times I've felt jealousy about her relationship with you. I've felt…resentment, I suppose."
"In what way?"
"I did all the hard stuff—the late nights when she was ill or just wouldn't sleep, fed her, bathed her, but I didn't have thefunds or the time to lavish her with gifts and outings, and then you reappear and…" She studied Billy's face. "It felt very unfair. She'd come home from seeing you and all she could talk about was ‘Billy this, Billy that’, where you'd been and what you'd done, and I wanted to be happy about it…happy for her that she had this opportunity to have you in her life, but yes…I resented you."
"I can understand that now. I think if I'm honest, I felt a bit…frustrated with you. I was trying so hard to be the parent I was meant to be, and I could sense this pushback from you every time I picked her up or dropped her off. I think for a while I needed validation from you that I was doing a good job, and when it didn't come, when all I got was this wall of unbothered…" She chuckled. "I went back to my therapist and worked it through."
