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NEVER LOVE ANYONE who treats you like you’re ordinary. – Oscar wilde
Dear Journal,
Life sucks! Life is fickle, isn’t it? One day, you’re on top of the world… you have a job you love, and you’re shopping for wedding dresses, about to marry Prince Charming. And the next, you get sacked, and your Prince Charming turns into a fucking toad. I’m sorry for cursing, Journal, but fuck, fuck, fuck.
You know that I usually don’t curse, but I think I’ve earned the right to. This has been the second worst week of my life. Ever.
I don’t understand. Why did Peter do this? What happened?
I’m at a loss. I don’t know where to go from here. Momma says to not think about it too much. To take one week to not think, just enjoy life and my family, like I used to. It seems so long ago now. It’s been ages since I’ve spent more than two days back home. As you know, Peter was never a fan of Westbrooke. He’s not exactly the rugged type. I guess that’s what I found attractive about him initially. He was so different from the guys I knew back home, so different than Blake. And that’s what I was looking for – the complete polar opposite of Blake Taylor.
And that didn’t work out so well, did it?
He ends up dumping me at the altar.
Corrie might be right… All men are assholes.
The last time I got my heart broken, I ran away. Am I doing the same thing again? Am I running away? I won’t give him the power. I have a life here. I have friends.
I’m going to call the bastard and tell him off. I’m going to ask him what the hell his problem is. After seven years together, he owes me an answer to that question.
Were the last seven years a complete waste? They can’t be. I can’t start over. I had it all planned out perfectly; marriage, a house, and in a few short years, two kids, maybe three. I can’t go back to dating, I can’t. I’ve never even dated. I wouldn’t know how to. What’s the norm these days? Casual hook-ups – never had one. Sexting – no clue how that works. Blow job on the second date – really?
God, I feel so old. I don’t have the energy to start over.
We need to fix this.
Later, Journal.
M
I slap my journal closed, slide the smiley face pen down the spiral spine, and throw it on my dresser. I grab my phone. I close my eyes and draw in a long breath, psyching myself up. I need to do this. I need to call him, and ask him what’s going on. It’s been almost twenty-four hours since he cruelly tore my heart apart, and I need to understand.
I know we can fix this.
My heart does a loopy-loop when the email notification slides down the top of my screen. It appears momentarily, a tease. I eagerly scroll down to my Gmail app, and tap on his message, my heart pounding.
Hi sweetheart,
First off, I want to say I’m sorry. You have no clue how sorry I am. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, Maeve.
I choked. I froze. I freaked out. I’m sorry.
You know me. You know how nervous I get before a big presentation or an important event. I just couldn’t go through with it. Do you realize what a big step marriage is, Maeve? We’ve never actually talked about it.
You’re probably wondering why I got cold feet. I guess it was a week or so ago, when you went to Gabbie’s and hung out with her kids. You came home, gushing about her house and the kids, how you wanted two or three of your own, and that you couldn’t wait. You said you pictured them with my eyes, and your freckles.
Honestly, you completely freaked me out, Maeve.
After marriage, comes the house, and the mortgage, and then the kids! And let’s be honest, you want a nice house, not a shack – me too. Let’s face it, Maeve, your salary at that kids clothing store is not going to help much, and now you’ve just lost your job. It’s all on me, baby. And I got really stressed out at the thought of all that responsibility.
I still love you, Maeve, and I want to give you only the best. You deserve the best. I just don’t know if I can.
I haven’t mentioned this to you, but I’ve been thinking a lot about my career lately. I want to reach higher, I want to go further. I want to get my license, and that’s going to take a lot of time studying, not to mention money.
I just can’t do the whole house and kids thing right now – I just can’t.
