She indulged herself for a minute, cursing everything and everyone until she got it out of her system, and then was immediately taken by a rush of guilt for all her uncharitable thoughts that made her want to cry all over again for a different reason. But eventually she pushed herself to sit and rubbed the back of her hand over her eyes, and, with a giant sniff, got to her feet and went to retrieve her phone.
By now, Grizzle had made an impressive crater. It was tempting to take a seat and let him get on with it, because he seemed to be enjoying himself and Zoe wanted to read the message that had come through on her phone, but then she recalled that around about here was where they’d seen the rabbits, and the thought of him digging up their burrows and scaring them to death was too much for her to ignore.
She couldn’t help it – she was angrier than she wanted to be with Grizzle, and as she reached for his lead and snapped at himto come away, he suddenly seemed to sense it. His head whipped up, face covered in soil and a puzzled expression beneath the mess.
‘Now!’ Zoe yanked at the lead. ‘Come away! We’re going home!’
Despite his obvious confusion, for a moment he refused to follow as she turned in the direction of Hilltop, but when she pulled harder, he must have realised that his fun was over. Reluctantly at first, he followed, but as they got further away from the scene of the crime – perhaps because the scent had left him or because he simply had a goldfish memory – he seemed to forget that he was meant to be desperate to dig to the centre of the earth because he calmed down and began to walk at Zoe’s side. She couldn’t be sure how long he’d be good for, and so she didn’t dare get out her phone this time. Instead, she watched him closely as she marched back to the farm, ready for the first sign of trouble.
Billie was in the kitchen with Louisa, trying to rock her to sleep, when Zoe walked in with Grizzle.
‘What the hell…?’ She stared at the two of them, both covered in mud. And then frowned. ‘I said he’d have you over.’
‘He didn’t,’ Zoe said. ‘I had myself over.’
‘Why’s he so dirty…?Zoe, you’ll have to get him out – he’s getting mud everywhere!’
Zoe moved her mouth to argue but then decided Billie was right. Though she wanted nothing more than to get off her own muddy clothes and make a cup of tea, she’d have to clean Grizzle up first. It was one more reason to be annoyed with the lolloping pooch that she ordinarily loved to be around. If her hormones were playing any part in her current mood, she dreaded to think what life was going to be like as her menopause progressed, andthe notion made her want to cry all over again. Swallowing it back, she caught hold of Grizzle’s collar.
‘I’ll use the tap in the shed…could you fetch me the dog shampoo?’
Billie raised her eyes to the sky. Zoe understood that she was trying to calm a fractious Louisa, but it was hardly helping. Then she let out a short, sharp breath before marching to the cupboard to search for Grizzle’s soap. Without a word, she located it and then handed it to Zoe.
‘How’s Louisa now?’ Zoe asked.
‘She’d be better if she didn’t keep getting disturbed.’
‘I didn’t mean to,’ Zoe fired back, with more savagery in her voice than she’d meant.
If Billie was offended by it, she didn’t say so. She simply took Louisa into the living room.
As the door slammed shut behind them, Zoe turned back to Grizzle. ‘Looks like we’re both in the doghouse. Come on, you daft mutt – we’d better get you cleaned up.’
Taking advantage of the privacy, Zoe allowed herself another little cry as she cleaned Grizzle up, so by the time she took him back to the house and went upstairs to wash and change herself, she was all cried out. Still miserable but cleansed of her immediate angst, once she was clean and dry again, she remembered the text message waiting on her phone and unlocked to see it wasn’t from Ottilie, as she’d thought, but from Simon.
I have a friend who owes me a favour. He knows a great Harley Street specialist. I can put you in touch if you like – they’ll do you a free consultation, and it’ll be up to you if you want to continue treatment with them. No pressure butthought I’d ask. Ordinarily, I’d frown on going private – you know my feelings on the NHS – but I know how much of a shock your blood results have been. If anyone deserves to jump the queue just this once, it’s you.
Zoe flopped onto the bed. After rereading the message, she decided that she didn’t need to see anyone privately – what would be the point? They’d only tell her what she knew, and what did it matter if her consultation was now or in three months? It wouldn’t change anything. But she was touched by the gesture, and despite assuming she was fully emptied of tears, surprising new ones pricked at her eyes. She sniffed them away and replied to Simon to thank him. She didn’t refuse his offer outright but told him she’d think it over, though she was fairly sure she wouldn’t take it up in the end.
She went back to the text she’d sent to Ottilie, still unanswered, and was about to send her another one telling her not to worry and that the crisis was over, when Ottilie beat her to it with a reply.
I’m so sorry I didn’t see your message. Flo’s gone down with the flu, and I’ve been running back and forth to her place. I know we’ve got to look after her, but I’m terrified Anthony is going to catch it, so I took him over to Stacey’s for a few hours, but then she wanted to talk to me about something Chloe had done and…well, you know what it’s like. Anyway, I’ve got half an hour or so before I have to go and pick up Anthony. Do you need me to call? Or if it’s something that needs longer, I can try to make time at the weekend. x
Ottilie sounded as if she had enough going on without Zoe adding to her burden.
It’s fine, it’s nothing that can’t wait. Is everything under control? I wonder if the flu is going around. Louisa’s a bit off today – that could be it. x
It might be. I don’t always know what’s going around now that I’m not working. I hear Shabana is pregnant. I bet she’s thrilled – when I get a minute, I’ll pop in to see her. If you’re sure you’re OK, let’s make plans for the weekend. I’ll let you know nearer the time, if that’s all right, just in case the rest of us go down with Flo’s lurgy. x
Zoe sent a message in the affirmative and tried not to get bitter about Shabana’s news. Of course it was lovely and the people who knew about her struggle with IVF would rightly be thrilled for her. Zoe hated the grain of resentment nesting inside her, and she tried to force it out, but it wouldn’t go so easily.
As she put her phone down, she could hear Alex’s voice. ‘Anyone home? It’s like theMary Celestedown here!’
Billie’s voice came in an irritated reply, and Zoe wondered if she’d just got Louisa to sleep only for Alex to wake her again. Her hunch seemed to be confirmed by the volume decreasing so that she could only hear muffled notes, suggesting he’d lowered his voice after being told off.
She went downstairs to find Alex sitting at the kitchen table by himself, scrolling on his phone.
He looked up with a sheepish grin. ‘I’ve been consigned to the doghouse.’
