‘He does get all unreasonable when you show him his lead,’ Zoe agreed. ‘Did your dad say what time he’d be back?’
‘I don’t suppose he knew how long it would take. Depends if the nearest DIY store has what he needs.’
‘Right. Only I was thinking of starting to cook something when I got back, but perhaps we’ll have a snack and wait to hear from him.’
‘He might be back before you are – he’s been gone a while.’
Zoe gave a brief nod before heading to the door, Grizzle straining to get out.
In truth, Zoe wasn’t entirely sure she could manage Grizzle by herself. He was big, and she was tiny, and it was fine as long as he remained calm, but she did worry that the first sign of a squirrel would have him tearing across the hills, never to be seen again. However, she’d never been one to admit defeat, and, just like Billie, she wanted to be useful. She’d seen how hard Alex was working, how snowed under he was, and she also wanted to help.And she did think it was quite pathetic of her to wait around for Alex to do this simple chore, despite her misgivings. If she was sensible, there was no reason why she couldn’t. She’d told Billie that even if Grizzle ran off, he’d come back eventually. She hoped that was true – now she was out with him, she wasn’t so sure.
The sun was low in the sky, a halo of golden light in the gaps the peaks left as they crowded the horizon, and the winter russets of their tumbling sides were now turning to summery shades. They were scarred by ancient glaciers and ribbon-like waterfalls, and littered with rockfalls and scrubby trees that added drama to their otherwise velvety green coats. A cloud of rooks or crows – some kind of black, cawing bird – raced overhead. Grizzle turned his face to watch them with avid curiosity. Zoe was sure if he had wings, he’d have taken off to chase them. She wouldn’t fancy his chances if he caught them, though. He gave the impression of a hunter or a gundog, but he was the softest, daftest dog Zoe had ever met.
Once the birds had passed, she drew in a breath as she turned her face to the fields where she often walked Grizzle alongside Alex and, less often, Billie.
‘You’re going to be a good boy,’ she said sternly as the dog pulled at his lead. ‘Or we’ll be having words…’
Grizzle showed no sign he’d heard her voice at all, let alone understood any of what she was saying. Instead of calming down, he strained harder, panting and snorting in his desperation to get going. Zoe wondered if she would, as Billie had suggested, end up on her face while Grizzle escaped to a new life running feral in the hills around Windermere. She steeled herself and held on tight, hoping he’d calm down enough to walk at her side after a bout of initial enthusiasm.
After a few minutes of wrestling, he seemed to do just that. While he wasn’t exactly walking at her side, the lead became slack for the first time since Zoe had stepped out of Hilltop, andshe allowed herself to relax. In a way, worrying about him had been good – it had stopped her dwelling on anything else. But now that he was calm, those other concerns came back to fill her mind.
How was she supposed to break the news of her condition to Alex after the conversation they’d had the previous evening? Now more than ever, she was certain the news would upset him even more than it was upsetting her. But the longer she left it, the worse it would be when she eventually did come clean. She’d realised right at the start that keeping it to herself wasn’t an option, but knowing it didn’t make it any easier to do otherwise.
She kept on picturing the disappointment she was sure she’d see in his face, and she didn’t know how she was going to cope with it. To know the hopes he was harbouring for a child of their own would be dashed, and there was nothing either of them could do about it, was a disappointment she felt more for him than for herself.
She’d talk to Ottilie, she decided as she yanked Grizzle away from a suspicious-looking pile at the foot of a tree. Ottilie had a way of laying things out so that they were easy to work out. She’d identify Zoe’s options and put them so simply that Zoe would wonder why she’d ever been confused. And it would be good to finally confide in someone other than Simon, who’d been great, but as well as being a GP and far too logical about this sort of thing, he was also a man and would never understand what she was going through in the way another woman would.
Grizzle seemed a lot happier now, and while he bounded from interesting smell to even more interesting smell, he wasn’t causing Zoe any undue difficulties. And so she took the opportunity to transfer the lead into one hand and with her other reached into her coat pocket for her phone, intent on texting Ottilie to fix up a time to go and chat to her while she had the courage to do it.
Hey, I could do with talking to someone. Are you free any time soon?
Zoe watched the message fly off and then waited for a reply. But none came. It had perhaps been silly to expect anything immediate because Ottilie would more than likely have her hands full with Anthony. In her new impatience to offload, she considered texting Georgia instead but quickly decided that, while she loved Georgia as an amazing friend, it was Ottilie’s quiet reassurance that she needed right now. Georgia was lively and reactive and might well make things worse instead of better. In which case, all Zoe could do was wait for Ottilie to see her message. Reluctantly, she reached round to put her phone back into her pocket.
It was while she’d lost momentary concentration that Grizzle decided he had better things to do than be tethered to a woman who was moving far too slowly for his liking. Spotting something ahead, he gave an almighty yank on his lead, and before Zoe could do anything, it had escaped her grip. She watched helplessly for a second as he tore away.
‘Griz!’ she yelled. ‘Grizzle!’
He stopped, looked over his shoulder and then began to run again. Zoe could almost imagine the mental shrug he’d given at her desperate calling, and on any other day, it might have been funny. She had no choice but to give chase, though she worried that doing so might make things worse. She could have held her nerve and waited for him to come back, but right now she didn’t have much of a nerve to hold.
Grizzle seemed to be tuned into her pace, so the faster she ran, the faster he ran too. Instead of catching him up, Zoe could only watch as he got further away.
After a couple of minutes he seemed to slow down, sniffing around a tuft of wild grass. And then he started to paw at theground. Zoe took advantage of his distraction and dashed over. She could see the end of the lead that was supposed to be in her hand, lying beside him on the ground, and lunged for it, only for Griz to look up and, as if he’d known her intent, dodge out of her way, taking the lead with him.
‘Come on!’ Zoe panted. ‘Cut me some slack, Griz! Stay! Stay, you daft dog, otherwise this is the last time I take you out!’
He ran wide circles around the field. Ahead, Zoe could see the entrance to the enclosure that housed the camping pods. She hoped none of the guests could see her right now. She vaguely supposed she might appreciate an offered hand if someone did see her and came to help, but she didn’t want to embarrass Alex if they recognised Grizzle as the dog belonging to their host.
She panted as she continued to chase, now sweating in too many layers for the job, and to her annoyance, Grizzle circled back to the place where she’d first tried to catch up with him and began to sniff at the same tuft of grass. Then he began to dig, clumps of earth flying into the air as he scraped frantically at the spot.
Zoe fumbled with the buttons of her jacket as she tried to cool down, jogging now instead of running, and then eventually walking back to him. He was too busy to run away now, and, worn out, she didn’t see the point in rushing. She was also too miserable and too grumpy to rush. She wanted to shout at him, but even though Alex and Billie weren’t there to see it, somehow it didn’t feel right to tell their dog off. And after all, Grizzle was only doing what his instincts told him to, and it was hardly his fault. Zoe was briefly reminded of her first meeting with Alex; if Grizzle hadn’t been quite so excitable, that might not have happened at all.
She’d just decided to forgive him and was trying to calm herself down when her phone pinged the arrival of a message. Preoccupied with reading her phone screen while keeping an eyeon Grizzle’s location, she forgot to watch where she was putting her feet. A second later, she tripped on a protruding stone and was tossed onto her face, her phone flying into the air and landing feet away.
It took a moment to comprehend what had happened, and that she was seemingly uninjured. And then she saw her phone lying on the ground. It didn’t seem damaged either. Despite all this, it took another short moment for her to start crying, tears of frustration and despair at her current situation in equal measure. She’d already been close to her wits’ end when she’d embarked on this stupid walk, but she’d arrived there in style now.
Rolling onto her back, she turned her face to the sky and wept, and she didn’t care who might see.
‘Stupid dog,’ she sobbed. ‘Stupid body. Stupid rocks in the stupid ground. Stupid place…why did I come here? Stupid Lake District. I should have stayed in Manchester.’
