After her miscarriage, she’d been devastated, but she’d been given compassionate leave, and by the time she’d gone back to work, she’d been comforted by the notion that at some point she’d be ready to try again, and that perhaps she’d be luckier. There was hope, at least, but right now, hope felt like a forlorn prospect. And taking centre stage among all the other swirling, nebulous thoughts was one huge question. How would Alex feel about her news?
She didn’t even know how she was going to tell him because she didn’t want to say it out loud, let alone talk about it. Sooner or later, she was going to have to. She could keep it to herself, she could simply let the years roll by and pretend everything was fine until the big moment arrived…the end of her periods and the end of any possibility of motherhood. But, aside from how hard it would be to keep ever-worsening symptoms concealed, even if she did manage to do that, it would be dishonest, and Alex didn’t deserve that. He deserved the chance to say that this wasn’t what he’d signed up for, a chance to say he wantedchildren, if it mattered to him, and the chance to find someone who could give him those children. Yes, he had Billie, but he was still young enough to think about more, and he’d as good as said that he wanted more with Zoe. Would he be content with the way things were right now, if it came to the fact that she couldn’t get pregnant? Perhaps he would, but it wasn’t for Zoe to take the choice from him.
It was quite possibly the worst cup of tea she’d ever had – and Zoe had been served some corkers during her time – but she sipped with as much enthusiasm as she could. Amy, the expectant mum, manoeuvred her wheelchair to sit right next to Zoe, retrieved a small square of grainy paper from an envelope and handed it to her.
‘I can’t believe that’s my baby,’ she said as they studied the scan together. ‘It looks like nothing right now. I mean, nothing you’d know was a little person. It’s no wonder I didn’t know for ages I was pregnant.’
‘Hmmm,’ Zoe agreed, gazing at the grey smudge on the photo. ‘At least you found out in time to have your twelve-week scan. Some people don’t find out until they’re at the end. It’s incredible to me, and I’ve never met a mum that happened to, but I have heard cases from time to time.’
‘I never had much in the way of bleeding on my periods,’ Amy said. ‘As far as I was concerned, it was business as usual until I started to feel peculiar.’
‘But you’re well enough in yourself?’ Zoe asked.
‘Oh yes. I’ve got loads of help.’
Zoe handed the photo back, though her eyes wouldn’t leave it, as if drawn by magnets, until Amy put it back into the envelope. ‘Do you think you can get yourself onto the sofa so I can examine you? Or do you need me to help? I don’t want tomake assumptions, so it’s better if you tell me straight out what you need from me.’
‘I can stand up for a short time,’ Amy said, pushing herself up. ‘It’s just I don’t get far when I do. But it’s long enough to get me in and out of the chair if I have to. And I’ve usually got help, but I’ve told Chris to make himself scarce…wasn’t sure what you’d need to do and how much privacy we might want.’
‘It’s no problem for him to be here next time if you’re happy with it. I shouldn’t need to do anything too intimate on my regular checks, and we can always send him out of the room to make us a cup of tea.’
‘I wouldn’t do that.’ Amy laughed lightly as she hoisted herself free of her chair and began a painstaking reposition that got her onto the sofa for Zoe. ‘His tea is shocking! Like the worst I’ve ever tasted!’
Zoe tried not to laugh too. If Chris had been sent out, that meant Amy had made the tea that Zoe had struggled to drink, and if his was the worst his girlfriend had ever tasted, it must have been something to marvel at.
‘I never thought I’d get pregnant,’ Amy continued as she got comfortable. ‘Silly really, I don’t know why I thought that. I suppose it was down to the fact that other people didn’t seem to think I could get pregnant, and I sort of carried that with me. They see the chair and assume nothing works. I’m made up, though. It was the loveliest surprise I could ever have. But everyone keeps on asking me if I’m worried about looking after the baby and, to be honest, I’m sick of hearing it. I mean, why would I be? As long as nobody puts the cot at the top of Ben Nevis at night, then there’s no reason why I can’t do night feeds the same as anyone…Are you all right?’
Zoe snapped back and only then realised she’d been staring into space.
‘Sorry.’ She blushed as she got out her notepad. ‘It’s been a long week – my boyfriend is opening up a campsite, and we’ve been getting ready for our first visitors.’
‘Oh.’ Amy gave a sage nod. ‘I would imagine that’s bound to make you tired. If you fall asleep while you’re looking at me, I’ll give you a shove, shall I?’
Zoe tried to smile, though she didn’t much feel like it. ‘You have my permission to shove as hard as you like. Now, let’s have a look at what your little smudge is doing in there…’
Zoe arrived back at Thimblebury surgery relieved to have got through her home visits but still facing the prospect of three more appointments before she could finally switch off. Perhaps switching off wasn’t quite the phrase she wanted; perhaps it was more switching over. She had far too much to think about to switch off, but at least she could turn her attention to her own troubles and start to make some sense of them.
But she was stopped in her tracks by the unexpected sight of Lavender hugging Shabana behind the reception desk. And then Shabana trying to compose herself before going to the computer to look at something, though Lavender was still prodding her and whispering, and both women were grinning like mad. Vaguely, she wondered what was going on, but she was too wrung out to ask. All she wanted was for this working day to be over.
Lavender looked up. ‘Zoe! Your three o’clock has cancelled. I’ve booked her in for next week instead.’
‘Oh, thanks…’ Zoe continued on her way to her room, but Lavender called after her.
‘I’m about to do drinks…tea or coffee?’
‘Whatever, don’t mind.’
Zoe got into her room and closed the door, leaning against it for a second with a relieved sigh. Her 3 p.m. had cancelled, and though she oughtn’t to be relieved, she was. She hated to think of her patients in such terms, but it was one less obstacle between her and home time, and though more stress faced her up at Hilltop, she’d never been so desperate for a working day to end. Perhaps Billie and Alex would be preoccupied enough that they wouldn’t ask too many questions if she told them she had a headache and wanted to lie down, and then she’d finally get some solitude to try and untangle the mess of her thoughts.
She went to sit at her desk and opened her laptop to make some notes about the visit she’d just been on. The screen swam in front of her eyes, and as she fought to gain control, she couldn’t decide if it was stress, another one of the symptoms she’d been dealing with of late, or the tears that kept flooding out whenever she was alone.
Hearing a noise at the door, she sniffed hard and looked up to see Lavender come in with a mug.
‘I went with coffee in the end. Want some biscuits? A Penguin bar or anything?’
‘No, thanks, Lav.’
Lavender put the mug down and stood at the door for a moment.
