‘But in the circumstances, nobody would?—’
‘I can’t rearrange them!’ Zoe flushed. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I’m fine, and I’d rather get back to work than mope at home. Besides…’
Home. Hilltop, where an oblivious Alex would be rushing around, celebrating the arrival of his first guests, preoccupied with his business and looking forward to a bright future. That was the last place Zoe needed to be right now. He’d ask why she was there, and how could she share this news with him on a day like today? How could she ever share this news with him? What would it mean for them? He’d hinted at children – would he even want to be with her, knowing there might not be any?
‘Alex has got his first campers arriving…I wouldn’t get much peace up there to do any kind of processing. I don’t need to process…That’s it’ – she flicked a hand at the screen – ‘all wrapped up. I have my answer, don’t I?’
‘I think you should talk to someone about this, even if it’s not me. I can arrange a counsellor if that’s helpful.’
Zoe shook her head firmly. ‘It’s not what I need. Don’t forget, I send people to counselling all the time – I know all the thingsthey’d say to me, so what’s the point? I can counsel myself if I need it.’
‘Maybe…’
He hesitated, and Zoe almost felt sorry for him because he seemed to be struggling to know what to offer.
‘Maybe it might help you to talk to Stacey? Just to vent…I’m sure she’d be happy to listen. Or Ottilie, for that matter. I know you two are close.’
‘Thanks,’ Zoe said, forced to acknowledge he was doing his best and that none of this was his fault. It wasn’t hers, for that matter, so why did she feel like such a failure? And when it came down to it, how could either of those women, who were mothers, truly understand what she was about to go through?
With no awareness of her actions, she got up. ‘Thanks,’ she said again as she headed for the door.
‘Zoe…’
She turned back. If she’d been in a different headspace, she’d have seen how worried Simon looked.
‘I don’t think you should be doing home visits this afternoon. That’s my professional opinion. Understandably so, but you’re not in the right frame of mind.’
‘Who else will do them?’
‘I don’t know, but?—’
‘Then I’ll have to do them. I’m fine. I can put it out of my head until I’ve finished for the day.’
‘If you’re sure…’
‘Yes.’
‘Speak to someone later. Promise me?’
‘If I need it, I will, I promise.’
‘That’s not the answer I was looking for. Speak to someone, whether you think you need it or not.’
Zoe gave a brief nod and then left the room.
Speak to someone, whether you think you need it or not…It was easier said than done.
10
Much to Lavender’s disapproval, Zoe offered her apologies and skipped on the surgery’s shared lunch. Emilia never went into the kitchen to eat with everyone else, and Simon was apparently still completing some work, so when Zoe put her head around the door, there was only Lavender and a strangely jittery Shabana at the table. On any other day, Zoe would have fully registered this fact, and she would have taken Shabana to one side and asked if there was something she could help with, but as it was, she didn’t have any spare energy to offer.
Lavender didn’t seem to have noticed anything untoward and was busy complaining about her favourite nemesis, Mrs Icke.
‘I swear that woman has been put on this earth just to taunt me…she had the nerve to say she was going to report me because I didn’t pick up the phone straight away this morning…it wasn’t even eight o’clock! She knows the surgery doesn’t open until eight – she ought to because she’s standing outside when we unlock the doors often enough, demanding to be seen…’
Before Lavender could turn her ire on Zoe for missing lunch – a crime truly heinous in Lavender’s books – Zoe made her excuses and left for her first afternoon house call.
With some relief, she noted as she typed the address into her phone’s map function, the woman she was going to see was early in her pregnancy. If it had been a house call to a newborn, Zoe had to ask herself how she’d have managed it. In the coming days and weeks, she was sure she’d come around to accepting her situation, and perhaps she’d be encouraged by a proper consultation to go over her options – and she knew that in the best-case scenarios, therewereoptions – so that visiting those who were about to be blessed with the one thing she wanted wouldn’t be quite so hard. But, despite her reaction to Simon’s offer of time off, she knew this afternoon might be the hardest one she’d ever worked.
