He sighed, his gaze dropping to the table before returning to me. “That doesn’t make it right. And it sure as hell doesn’t mean I didn’t care or think about you.”
Tears built behind my stinging eyes, threatening to fall. His own hurt reflected back. I folded my arms, unsure what to do with that. Thinking about someone and actually showing up for them weren’t the same thing.
“You had a funny way of showing it.” I said it softly, but the hurt came through clear as day. My dad nodded once, like he couldn’t argue with that.
“Why didn’t you ever come to my skating competitions?” The words flew from my lips. “I looked for you and you never showed.” Years of hurt threatened to pull me under.
“I went to all the ones I could. I sat up high so I wouldn’t distract you or get in the way,” he confessed.
“Y-You did?”
The sad smile he gave me almost cleaved me in two. “I did. And if I couldn’t be there, I watched on my phone or TV.”
Marcy’s words from a week ago came to mind. How my father would message her.
He gave me a sad smile. “I wouldn’t have missed my daughter skating or her going to the Olympics.”
“Why did you never tell me?” I croaked, losing the battle with my tears. All this time I’ve been holding onto this anger that he never showed up or cared, but he did. Hedidshow up. I just never knew that he did.
His hand reached across the table to grasp mine. “I’ve been a shitty father, and I know I deserve your anger,” he said, his voice quiet but firm. “I thought…maybe you didn’t want me there, and I wanted to respect that. I figured it was better to keep my distance and let you do your own thing.”
The words landed deep in my chest, knocking loose something I wasn’t prepared for. Guilt and sadness took hold and refused to let go. My shoulder shook as I tried to hold back my sobs.
I spent so long being hurt and angry that I didn’t even try to take a step back and see my father’s perspective. To see that, while I was hurting, so was he. He made me feel like a second choice to football, but at the same time, I made him feel like I didn’t need nor want him around.
“Dad, I…” I couldn’t get the words out.
“Oh, sweetie, it’s okay.” He quickly slid out of his side of the booth before coming to mine. He squeezed himself next to me, throwing an arm around my shoulder to tuck me against him. “It’s okay,” he repeated softly against my head.
Years’ worth of resentment, hurt, and anger crumbled around me. I had convinced myself he didn’t care enough to notice but he had. I was just too blind to see it. We both were.
“I’m so proud of you. So proud,” he whispered against my head.
Guilt twisted in my stomach, thick and suffocating. My throat burned as tears rolled down my face. We weren’tinnocent in how our relationship was, and I knew that, but it didn’t stop that shame from forming.
“I didn’t make it easy for you either,” I admitted, sniffling. “I’m sorry.”
My dad let out a slow breath, like he’d been holding it in for years. “Hey, we both messed up,” he said, his voice softer than I had ever heard it. “But I’m here now. If you’ll let me be.”
I pulled away from his side, wiping my cheeks. “I would like that.”
“I missed you, kid.” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head like he used to do when I was little.
“Missed you, too.” My throat tightened again, but this time, it didn’t feel so heavy. In fact, I was lighter.
A clearing of a throat beside our table captured our attention. The waitress stood there awkwardly, holding our French toast like she knew she was interrupting something important.
“Oh, thank you.” My dad slipped out of the booth, moved around her, and took his seat back on his side of the table.
I quickly wiped under my eyes and grabbed my napkin for my nose as my plate was put in front of me. “Thank you.”
The waitress didn’t linger and walked away. This time, the silence between my dad and me didn’t feel as thick as before. I knew it would take time to get things where it wouldn’t be as awkward, but this didn’t have to be perfect. Maybe it just had to be a start.
26
MATEO
“So, when are you going to tell us that Josie knew before we did that you had a girlfriend?” Landon asked, leaning beside me against the boards.
