He heads upstairs instead of using the bathroom down here, leaving Isla and me alone. She picks up her wineglass and takes a sip, then sets it on the coffee table again.
“Please don’t hurt him. I know there’s nothing Lucas can’t handle, but I don’t want himto have to. He’s spent most of his life wanting you, hating himself for wanting you, certain he would never have you. And he deserves you, even though he doesn’t think he does. Even though he finds too many ways to hate himself. He deserves every fucking bit of happiness he can find, and anyone who doesn’t see that, who doesn’t understand that, isn’t worthy of him.”
Her words hit every note they’re supposed to, but they’re not anything I don’t know or that I don’t agree with. Lucas isso much more than I ever saw, than I was allowed to see, and I want nothing more than to see it all. “He deserves everything. I wish it wasn’t all so fucked up. That the history between us didn’t make everything so complicated. But I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Then don’t.”
“I won’t.” I run my finger along the rim of my water glass. “I love him too. And it’s so hard not to hate myself for the same things he does.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. Neither of you. Ellis is gone, and that’s awful, and we all wish he were still alive, but no amount of hurting yourself or denying yourself will change that. Also, their father is an asshole.”
“I owe their father my life,” I counter.
“Why? Did he practice every day of his life as a kid? Did he get you that spot at their high school? Get you into college? Play your games? You did the hard work. He helped, sure, but don’t give him the credit for shit you did. He wants the credit because that’s the way men like him are, so they can use you. He does it with you, and from what Lucas said, he did it with Ellis. Lucas is the only one who had the courage not to give him that power. You shouldn’t do it anymore, either. You deserve better too.”
The sound of footsteps comes from the stairs, and Isla smiles, picks up her wine, and finishes the glass just as Lucas plops down beside me, sitting sideways with his legs over my lap. “What did I miss?”
“Nothing.” I lean over and kiss him.
“I’m ordering a car,” Isla says. “I’m gonna head out.”
“Ooh, that means I get to have sex soon,” Lucas teases.
“Oh my God.” I shake my head, but I’m not at all surprised those words come out of his mouth.
“Lucky.” Isla pretends to pout before saying, “Though it’sprobably not too late for me to find a trick for the night,” and it’s even easier to see why they’re such good friends.
When her car arrives, I hug her, Isla squeezing me tightly. “Thanks for coming over, Isla.”
“Thanks for having me.” She points to Lucas. “And for putting up with that guy.”
“I like that guy,” I answer, and Isla smiles. I’m fairly certain Lucas is trying to bite back a smile as well.
Lucas walks her to the car, the two of them saying goodbye. I linger on the porch, waiting for him. Once the car is out of sight, Lucas says, “I’m gonna smoke real quick. Sorry. I’ve been trying to slow down.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer. “I will always worry about your health, but I told you I don’t want to change you.” I press my lips to his throat, once, twice, then pull away.
Lucas doesn’t respond, just nods and lights up, taking a couple of drags in silence while we stand a few feet apart.
“You really are beautiful, you know that?” I tell him, and he grins.
“Yes.”
“I’m serious.”
“Me too. I’m fucking hot.”
“Inside and out.”
“Baby…I’ll give you a hint, if you want in my pants, I’ll never tell you no.”
Lucas winks, and I know exactly what he’s doing—trying to keep things light, not letting us get into anything too deep. It would be easy to do the same, but…
“How long?” I ask, and his pupils flare in what looks like panic.
“It was just a crush.”
“How long?” I ask again.
