Lucas sighs, then takes another drag. “From the beginning, Hunter. I can’t tell you the exact moment. I thought you were cute, and at first, I just thought…I’m not supposed to feel this way about him.”
“Because I’m a guy?”
“No, because you were Ellis’s. Even before you two were dating, you were Ellis’s. You were always supposed to be Ellis’s. If Ellis were alive, you would still be his, even if the two of you weren’t together anymore.” Lucas stubs out the cigarette and places it in the covered ashtray he brought over.
I walk over to him, hold his face, and keep my gaze locked on his. I wonder if he can hear my heart beating. The damn thing is pounding like a drum. “I’m yours, Lucas. I was always supposed to be yours. I feel it, and I fucking hate that I didn’t know it back then. That I was young and confused and I hurt you…hurt Ellis. I fucked everything up, but this, between us, this isright. Ellis was always meant to be my best friend, and I was always meant to be yours.”
Lucas drops his head back against the porch pillar and closes his eyes. I wish I knew what was going on inside his head, but I can also tell Lucas is trying to work through something. “You were always nice to me,” he says, without opening his eyes. “Even when my father would get frustrated at you for it. You tried to include me. You looked at me like I mattered, even though I had no interest in the only thing that was supposed to count.” His eyes flutter open, showing me all that pretty brown. “One day…I was fifteen at the time…we were all going to your game, even Dad, because it was their bye week. I actuallywantedto go. I liked watching you play, though I tried to hide it. I came downstairs with my camera, and my dad asked where I was going. I got embarrassed and said nowhere.” Lucas sighs. “He’s weird like that. Since I didn’t want to play, it’s like I didn’t deserve anything football-related. Mom and Ellis asked me to come, but I pretended I never wanted to go in the first place, and so they left, and I went out and got drunk. I listened to the game from outside the stadium, making my way through a bottle of vodka and wondering why in the hell I was there. I got home late that night, and you found me drinking in the backyard. You didn’t sleep well then either, and I used to get up at night, hoping to run into you.”
“Jesus, baby.”
“Pathetic, right?”
“No. You were looking for something, you were sad and alone, and I was there.”
Lucas shakes his head. “I was sad and alone, but it was more than that. I saw something in you even back then. I was always drawn to you… We sat on the chairs outside, and you gave me a lecture about drinking.”
Sparks of memories start forming in my head. I remember that night. Remember spending like an hour out there with him, trying to speak with him and help sober him up.
“You brought me water and asked about my photography. It was probably just because you didn’t know what else to talk to me about, but—”
“That’s not why. I have always been interested in your art. I always asked about it.”
“You did.” He gives me a small smile. “You asked me why I didn’t go to your game.”
More memories coalesce. “You said no one wanted you there.”
“And then you said,I want you there. And helped me to my bed even though I didn’t need it. I jacked off afterward, thinking about you, and the next week, a ticket to your game was pushed under my door, and I think that’s when I knew you were it for me. I decided it right then.” He shrugs. “It’sbeen true ever since.”
My heart thuds in my ears, everything sounding echoey. “Lucas…”
“You wanted the truth, and there it is. It was always you for me, and it will always be you for me. Maybe that’s too intense, but that’s me.” His gaze holds mine, defiant, daring me to look away.
But I don’t. I don’t want to, and probably couldn’t even if I did. He’s waiting for me to run, waiting for something about him to be too much. It’s not. It’s everything I didn’t know I wanted until I had it. It’s messy and imperfect, wild and untamed, which is so different from every other aspect of my life.
And I need that.
I need him.
“I love you, Lucas. I love you, and I want you.” I wait for the panic to come, but it doesn’t. The fear is there, of course it is. This is still a disaster in everyone’s eyes but ours. I still don’t know how we’ll make this work. I’m not even sure my mom would understand. But I love him, and I’m not going anywhere.
Lucas doesn’t answer right away, but when he does, it’s in that way that’s unique to him. “You sure about that?” He cocks a brow.
“Yes.”
“I want you too.”
He doesn’t use those other words—the ones I never thought I would say to anyone else, the ones I never thought I wouldfeel—but I don’t need him to. Lucas has been saying them in other ways all along.
“Let’s go inside, Hunt.”
He takes my hand, and I follow. We spend most of the night losing ourselves in each other’s bodies…we spend most ofmy bye week like that. Just Lucas and me, alone together.
My mom calls to check on me, surprised I didn’t come home during my bye week. I always do. Coach Blake calls too, but I ignore him.
It’s easy to forget everything when I’m so consumed with Lucas. Being with him feels like it’s mine in a way nothing in my life ever has been, and all I want is to soak up this feeling and pretend none of our problems exist when we’re together.
CHAPTER THIRTY
