Her hand comes up, fingers curling into the lapel of my jacket, not pulling, just holding, like she's steadying herself or maybe keeping me there.I'm not sure which.It doesn't matter.Either way, I stay.
There's a restraint in it that wasn't there before.Ten years ago, I kissed her like I was afraid she'd disappear.Like if I didn't hold on tight enough, she would evaporate.And she did anyway.
Now, I kiss her like I've learned something since then.Like I understand, maybe for the first time, that holding on and holdingstillare not the same thing.
She exhales against my mouth, and it’s barely anything, just a soft release of air, but I feel it rattle through me like something coming loose.My thumb traces once along her cheek, and she tilts her chin up slightly, closing the last fraction of space between us.
When I pull back, I don't go far.An inch, maybe.My forehead tips toward hers out of instinct, and we stay like that for a moment, neither of us speaking, neither of us moving away.Her fingers are still in my lapel.My hand is still against her face.
Her lashes lift and her eyes find mine.There's something unguarded in them that I haven't seen in a long time.Something that looks like the girl I knew, standing inside the woman I'm only just beginning to understand.
"Hayden."My name in her mouth is quiet.Not a question, not a warning.Just recognition.Like she's placing me somewhere.
"I know."Because I do.Because whatever this is, it isn't simple, and we both know it.She doesn't pull back though.Neither do I.The city moves around us like it doesn't know what just happened.Like the world hasn't just shifted some small, irreversible degree.
Her hand releases the fabric of my jacket slowly, smoothing it flat in a gesture so quiet it might not have been conscious.But then her eyes come back to mine, and I know it was.
“This part was never our problem."The words come out quieter than she probably intended, and she seems to know it.Her chin drops slightly like she didn't mean to say it out loud, or maybe she did and she's not sure which one she wishes were true.
I don't rush to fill the space, I just gaze at her."No,"I admit finally."It wasn't."
She glances up.
"It still isn't.”
The words settle between us, and I watch something move through her expression.It’s not surprise exactly, more like confirmation of something she already knows and isn't entirely sure she wants it confirmed.
She holds my gaze for a moment.Then the corner of her mouth lifts, just barely.Not quite a smile.Something quieter than that."Which is exactly why I'm going to say goodnight, Hayden."
There it is.Measured, deliberate, and completely her own.I recognize the steadiness in it.She's not retreating, she's choosing.There's a difference, and we both know it.I take a small step back, giving her that.Giving her the space she's claiming without making her feel like I'm releasing her entirely.
"Goodnight, Vanessa."A pause, just long enough, before I brush a soft kiss against her cheek, whispering a soft warning against her ear."This isn't over.I'll be in touch."
She holds my gaze one beat longer than necessary before she turns toward the entrance.I stay where I am and watch her go, hands easy at my sides, because some things you don't rush.The door closes behind her.
I stand there a moment longer than I need to.Then I turn and walk back the way we came, the city quiet around me, already thinking about when.
Chapter Ten
Hayden
Mad
YUNGBLUD
Fridays in the studio are always a crap shoot.We’re either all on point because we’ve been working through things all week and finally find a pace and rhythm that works, or we’re off tempo from the exact opposite.Today I’m playing like shit.And everyone notices.
The guys know me well enough to know my relationship with my parents is complicated.They know we speak, that I pretty much support them financially, and that I attempt to make sure we’re together for the important dates in life.But those things aren’t necessarily done out of love.I suppose it’s out of obligation, maybe even guilt.
They know nothing about who I date, or if I date anyone.On tour, it was rare if I hooked up with anyone.If I did, it was done with the utmost discretion and I never shared.Mikey’s come the closest to catching a glimpse into my extra-curricular proclivities, and as far as I know, he didn’t breathe a word of it to the guys.
And they don’t ask questions.That’s the thing about Luc, Dean and Mikey; we’re all here for each other unconditionally.We have an unspoken bond that makes us family.We’re ride or die, brothers, without it having to be said out loud.We say it in the way we support each other.Usually in the most quiet of ways.
But it also means we know each other well enough to know when something is off with the other.It’s why Mikey keeps asking me every couple of days if I’m good.It’s why Luc keeps inviting me over to the house after a session to hang with Lily and Larkin, his fiancée and daughter.And it’s why Dean is standing across from me right now, guitar slung low on his hips, not giving me an inch of grace when I miss my drop in on a song for the third time in a row.
“What the fuck, dude?”His fingers whitening around the neck of his Fender.“You forget how to play or what?”
I glare back at him across the short space separating us, because even though I know he’s got every right to be frustrated, this is nothing compared to some of the shit he’s put us through.And I’ll be damned if I admit out loud that I can’t stop turning the night before around in my head.Vanessa is not something I’m ready to discuss out loud, never mind with them.So, I deflect instead, just adding fuel to the fire.
