“Dinna leave,” Ella said softly. “I need to speak with ye before ye go out tonight.”
“Aye? Do ye have information about these gallowglass men we’re to find?”
Her eyes widened at the sarcasm in his tone. “Nay, of course no’.”
“Then we’ve naught to discuss.”
Her lips thinned in response to his curt comment. “Calum, I’m sorry. I have regretted my actions every moment since ye saw me in the healer’s doorway. Even before then.”
“As ye should.”
She paled, making him regret being so abrupt with her. But Euan had led him into an ambush, so he didn’t feel like he owed her kindness. Somehow, he’d survive it—and find a way to make Euan regret this.
“Can ye ever forgive me? I care about ye. Ye ken that. I wanted to help ye heal. Is that so terrible?”
She was persistent. He’d give her that. He couldn’t let her get to him. Calum glanced around at the solid doorway behind him. “Euan brought me here. So I’m to understand that he and Muireall think I should forget yer lies and?—”
“Nay. Aye. But nay. Ye must do as ye think best.” She hesitated and swallowed, as if dreading his reaction. “But before ye risk yer life again, I wanted to tell ye how sorry I am. And that I miss the friendship we had before ye were hurt. How weseemed to be growing closer and happier all the time. I…I want that back.”
For one wild moment, Calum did, too. Then he sobered. This was Ella’s power. Not her beauty, though that didn’t hurt. Her strength was in her kindness. Her regard for the feelings of others. Her determination to help, even when her help was not wanted. His pride wouldn’t let him fall for it.
His pride. That was his weakness. What would it harm to give her a crumb of forgiveness? Doing nothing would be cruel, and that was not in his nature. If something happened and he didn’t come back from this mission, he could give her that small comfort rather than leaving her convinced he didn’t care for her. Or that he didn’t want her, when clearly he had. He’d been relentless in his pursuit of her, despite her history. She was the one who deserved to be proud. Not shamed. Not treated the way he’d been treating her. She probably thought that now, after what she’d done, even though her motives had been good, he hated her. And he didn’t. Mostly, he hated himself.
“Ye ask for something I dinna ken how to give. We canna go back. And perhaps we shouldna. But I can give ye this, in case I dinna return. In case ye find yerself standing over my cold, dead body.”
She flinched at his words.
That slight movement told Calum more than anything else that she truly did care for him. That forgiving her was the right thing to do. For her, but for himself, as well. He found that he didn’t have to force out the words. They came easily. “I forgive ye, Ella. I accept that ye meant well. I forgot that ye dinna have it in ye to do anything as cruel as what I accused ye of. I let my pain and my fear cloud my judgment and cause me to strike out at ye. I’m sorry, too.”
Her beautiful eyes overflowed with tears. “Then perhaps we have a way forward, Calum. A way past all of this.”
He shook his head. “I dinna ken how. I’m sorry, but I dinna. I forgive ye, but I willna forget that ye lied to me.”
He turned and opened the door, but her soft cry made him pause and glance back at her.
“Come home to me, Calum,” she said. “Dinna let yer pride get ye killed this night or any other.”
He nodded and left the solar, carefully closing the door behind him. She would need some time to herself. He leaned against it, resting the back of his head on the thick, hard oak, taking deep breaths to calm his racing heart. He’d tried to help her, but with his final words, he’d hurt her again. And for what? His damned pride. But if he went back in there to apologize, he would only make things worse.
He had to do something—anything—else. Food would wait. First, he wanted to flatten his arms master and scouting partner for doing much the same as Ella had done. Lying to him, and setting him up for the encounter he’d just bungled with her. Euan owed him for this, but he changed his mind before he stepped away from the door.
Euan might owe him for this, but he was the one who’d failed Ella—and himself. Ella had given him a chance to make amends. The danger he was going into this night was only the excuse. If, nay, when he came back, they could have begun again from a better place than where they started when he walked into Iain’s solar. He’d ruined that chance.
