Laddin wasn’t waiting. “Look, what I feel is just that. My feelings. The moon doesn’t give me new emotions, it simply accentuates the ones I have. So yes, I feel love for you. And lust. Like over-the-moon kind of lust.”
“No pun intended.”
Laddin flashed a grin, but it didn’t last long. “I kind of like that part.”
Yeah, Bruce did too. “But what does that mean?”
“Hell if I know. I’m telling you that my emotions are really intense right now. I didn’t realize it until I stepped outside and saw the moon.” He took a deep breath. “But that could be a good thing.”
That was Laddin, always looking on the bright side. But that wasn’t Bruce. “Intense feelings, as we’re walking into a zone of depression while looking for a demon? Tell me how that’s a good thing.”
“Because assuming we’re still good and that you’re not freaked-out by this—”
“I’m not.” And he wasn’t. Or he hoped he wasn’t. It was new and hard to process quickly.
“Then I can focus on the good parts of love. The warm feelings and the sexy times.”
“You find it easy to search for a demon while sporting a boner?”
“It’s better than thinking about slitting my wrists. Look, we need me to stay upbeat while everything around us is telling us to give up. I can do that by thinking about you. About how I feel about you and what we just did, and what we’re going to do when we get back. That kind of stuff.”
“Because love is upbeat.”
“Yes, it is. Look, we’ve all had heartbreaks, me included. But this part of love is easy for me. It’s the fun part. And no matter how you feel about me—good, bad, or indifferent—I still feel good about you.”
Bruce blew out a breath. “That’s got to be the most civilized thing I’ve ever heard. About feelings.” So why wasn’t it settling right with him? “You really don’t care how I feel about you?”
“Of course I care! I’m praying you want to keep fucking me every spare moment you get. And I hope we can make something of this in the future. But for right now, I’m settling into loving you.” He glanced over. “Assuming that’s okay with you.”
“How could thatnotbe okay with me?”
Laddin shrugged. “People get weird when the L word shows up.”
Fair statement. And in truth, he was a little weirded out, but only because this conversation was so mature. He couldn’t remember a clear discussion of feelings that wasn’t muddled, tearful, or nearly violent. But he could meet Laddin on an equally logical plane. “If you’re okay with me not being ready to say it back, then I’m okay with you feeling whatever it is you’re feeling.”
Laddin released a sigh. “You can’t even say the word.”
“Love. That you feel love. For me.” God, that was hard to say. The words came out stilted and a little angry. Damn it, what right did Laddin have to throw love into the middle of a mission to find a demon? But that was the problem with people as openhearted as Laddin. They felt things and let them spill over everywhere.
“Why are you angry?” Laddin asked, his voice low.
Good question. “I’m not angry, I’m….” He didn’t know what. “I feel bad for you.” Then, to cover, he gestured ahead. “Take a right at the stop sign.”
Laddin followed the direction, then continued with their conversation. “You feel bad for a guy who is in love with you.” His voice was deadpan, but anger throbbed in the air.
Why did he have to keep saying that word? It made Bruce twitch every time. “You know about my past. You know that I’ve been a shit to every lover I’ve ever had, and that’s a long list. You know how I treated my own brother. Hell, you even know how fucked-up I am over all of it.”
“Yeah. So?”
“So, I’ve been an asshole my entire life. And I may be trying to make up for it now, but I’m still an asshole. And no amount of love from you is going to change that.” Bruce slumped in his seat and delivered the final blow. “Falling in love with someone you want to change is never going to work.”
“I don’t want to change you. I think you’re fine the way you are.”
Bruce shook his head. It was all he could do in the face of such willful blindness.
While he turned to stare moodily out at the full moon, Laddin pressed him with questions he didn’t want to explore. “You think you’re a monster, right?”
“I said asshole.” Though monster fit.
