Ilook like a life-sized dollin this white-fur-trimmed, red velvet coat.I feel as plastic as one, too, with my perma-smile.I even have a white fur muff for my hands.I didn’t even know they existed outside of 1940.And… it’s snowing.Making everything look pretty and glistening with the lights dancing off the ice crystal flakes.It will probably go down as one of the best tree lightings for everyone in town, except for me.And Collin.And Jonathan.And Danika.And… well, Oren if I’m being thoughtful.
Fuck Oren.He deserves to be miserable.
But do I really mean that?
Truthfully, I wish he’d figure out what makes him take his anger out on my best friend.Same with Jonathan.And his dad.
Seriously.Why do people hurt each other?Why is anger so hard to stop from overtaking the people I love?
The violence.The loathing.
It feels impossible to stop a cycle built purely on inertia—like trying to hold back a storm, only to be shattered in its wake.
My father’s spent his life trying to calm the maelstrom, and Jonathan’sstillin harm’s way.
“Sadie?What are you doing?”Collin asks from somewhere.“You look like a lunatic, standing there, smiling, staring at the tree.”
I snap out of it.“We’re done?”
“Yeah.They walked away to talk to half the town a while ago.Where were you?”
“How much rage has to build up inside before you punch someone?”I ask, studying him like I can pluck the answer from his mind.
“That’s where you went with that Barbie smile on your face?That’s disturbing.”
“It’s what I do.”I roll my eyes, not about to explain myclutch purseanalogy to him.“Tell me.I want to understand what makes guys need to hurt someone.”
Collin shrugs.“Honestly, I have no idea.Whenever I get involved, it’s to stop it.”
“You fight to make people stop fighting?”That makes no sense at all.Maybe that’s the problem.Guys don’t make sense, and they think they do.
“I pull them apart and sometimes have to get a little punchy to do that.”
I shake my head.Still stupid.Maybe I’m naive, but I can’t imagine choosing violence.
“Did you find him?”I’ve tucked my emotions away inside the clutch purse, concealing the tremors and heart palpitations.Doesn’t mean I’m not freaking out.I’m just determined to hide it.
Collin’s been calling and texting everyone he can think of since we left the garage in attempt to find Jonathan.“Not yet.”
I check the clock on the church steeple.“Let’s go to the bonfire.Danika should be there by now.We’ll get her and then find Jonathan.”
We veer down the side streets to the bike path that leads to the lake.It’s not far, but with the snow picking up pace and these ridiculous heeled boots, I can’t walk as fast as I want.
“It’s finally snowing.”Collin says this like it’s a good thing.“We usually have two feet by now.Took long enough.”
I look at him like he’s crazy, but don’t comment.I know he’s trying to distract me because my disdain for winter isn’t a conversation we need to have again.We’ve had it every year.
He waits, expecting me to say something.When I don’t, he takes my hand instead.“We’ll find him.”
We follow others from town heading to the lake.Families with ice skates.Other teens with thermoses of either hot chocolate or alcohol.Or maybe both.
My phone vibrates in my pocket.“Hi, Mom.”
“Did you leave for the lake?I didn’t see you go.Who are you with?”
“I’m with Collin.We’re almost there.”
“An hour, okay?The snow is intensifying, and I don’t want you driving in it.And if Collin’s still with you when you leave, tell him to stay the night.”
