I’m only half-listening to Jonathan and Ryan’s conversation, with Collin interjecting random smartass remarks.I’m thinking about Collin staying behind in Hollis when we leave.About what it’ll be like without him next year.It’s too hard to imagine and impossible to prepare for the loss of seeing him every day.
I still haven’t committed to where I’m going.I’ve received a couple acceptances, a rejection and anot right nowfrom Brown.I wasn’t surprised, but my dad was disappointed.“Maybe you can reapply next year and transfer like they suggested?”I couldn’t bring myself to give him false hope, so I didn’t answer.Not about next year or where I’m planning to attend at the end of this summer.
Collin won’t be at Penn State with Jonathan, and I’m not sure I will be either.It’s one of two colleges I haven’t heard from yet.The other is NYU, where I thought I’d be attending until this year.No one knows this.I’ve always loved going into the city, and the thought of living there excited me even though I didn’t know what to major in.
When I think about living in New York now, it doesn’t entice me like it used to.I’d much rather be with Jonathan.And figure out my futurewithhim.That’s if I get in.
By Thursday, I have my answer.
What are you doing in here?” Danika asks when she finds me sitting in the costume closet after assisting the younger dancers with Nina.
I shove the fabric behind me.
“You’re not very good at that.”
I widen my eyes, trying to appear innocent.“At what?”It isn’t working.
She holds out her hand.“Let me see.”
I hesitate, not ready to show anyone.There’s a reason I’m hiding in the closet.
“You can trust me.”
“Do you promise?You can’t say a word to anyone.”I need her to understand how important this is to me.
“I promise.”
I display the project I’ve been working on for the past week.“His birthday’s next Wednesday.”
“An Aries—I should’ve known.”She says this with judgment, her hands on her hips.“You sure ’bout this?”
I let the fabric fall to my lap.“Yes.”My heart skips a beat.I don’t have it in me to defend my decisions right now.
Danika must sense my resistance because she kneels on the floor across from me.“I’m not telling you what to do, I promise.But I understand what it’s like to get swept up in someone.To lose myself so completely, do things I never thought I’d do.When I look back at how I was with Gavin and then with Oren, I don’t recognize that girl.And it scares me.”
She hesitates, her voice low.“Do you know anything about cyclical abuse?”
Not where I thought this was going.“My dad and I talk about it sometimes.He wants to help break cycles.It’s why he became a lawyer.The past doesn’t have to define your future.I like to believe it too.”
“Yeah, me too,” she says after considering it.“My therapist told me that being a cycle breaker can be really hard.Especially if it’s been passed down generation after generation.”
“Did Oren’s father hurt him?”I ask, trying to understand why she’s invested in understanding generational trauma.
“His dad put him downallthe time.He didn’t care if I was there.Made him feel like he wasn’t man enough.Strong enough.Smart enough.That he wouldn’t amount to anything.And it would eat at Oren every day.He kept trying to prove himself.And the pressure got so big; when I pushed and jabbed at him, that toxicity seeped out.”
My silence amplifies my skepticism.I’m having a hard time believing he didn’t have control over what he did to her.Every one of us has a choice, no matter our lineage.
“You don’t understand, Sadie.I knew what I was doing was wrong.I knew every time I was pushing him to the edge.”
“You really believe that?”
She nods.
“What are you saying?”
“When I was with Gavin, I felt I had to be perfect.My hair.My clothes.The way I walked.Sat.Talked.I needed to impress him.But he still threw me away over and over again.Each time, I’d beg him to take me back.I’d be better.I’d try harder.And in the end, I wasn’t perfect enough.I hated myself.”
I swallow back the lump of guilt rising in my throat.I wasn’t the one who treated her like she was expendable.But it feels shameful, loving the person who did.
