“When I came back after the summer at the treatment center, I was so determined to be the girl who didn’t give a shit.Defiant and confident.And Orenlovedthat girl.Sometimes, I became the worst version of myself when we were together, whether we were alone or at a party.No matter what I did or how horrible I was to him, he kept coming back.
“And no matter how hard he gripped me—my wrist, my arm, my waist—how many times he shook me, I kept going back to him too.”
“Why’d you do that to each other?”I can’t imagine it.The intentional hurt.Jonathan and I have been through a lot in the past six months, but every time he hurt, I hurt too.It would be like harming myself.A relationship of self-destruction.That doesn’t resemble the love I know.
“I have no idea.It’s not like my parents are horrible.They don’t always pay attention to me, but boo-hoo.It’s not like they hit me or tell me I’m pathetic.They just leave me alone.That why I’m hoping my therapist will help me figure it out.Why I do this.Lose myself.Hate myself.Love guys who hurt me to love me.”
She brushes her hand over the satin material on my lap.“I want this for you.For you to be treated and loved like you’re the sun.Because you are.But I’m afraid for you too.”Danika blinks back tears.She stops herself.She doesn’t have to say more.I heard exactly what she wanted to say.
“I trust him,” I tell her.“With my heart and my body, I trust him.”
She closes her eyes to take a deep breath, pulling back the emotion, like she always does.When she looks at me again, she offers a tentative smile.“When is this happening?”
I bite my lip because I can’t believe I’m actually doing this.“Next Saturday.”
“Holy shit.”
Magda helped me bake cupcakesfor Jonathan’s birthday.Our lunch table devoured all eighteen of them.Jonathan and I hoped to find time alone at some point that night, but it didn’t happen.Privacy is nearly impossible at Collin’s house or mine.On top of our busy schedules… I can’t remember the last time it’s truly been just the two of us.
We’ll have to be patient.
“I need to be alone with you,” Jonathan says into my ear while Sean and Collin scream at the video game they’re playing.He draws his arms around me, resting his hands on my stomach.“I swear they’re torturing me on purpose.”
I spin in his embrace, setting my hands on his chest.“I know.Believe me, I know.We can always make out on the couch.They probably won’t notice.”
Jonathan grins.“I wish.”
“What are you doing tomorrow night?”I ask with a sudden flourish of energy.
He considers this for a moment, eyeing me suspiciously.“Nothing.”
“Okay,” I reply.“I gotta go.”I kiss him on his confused face and bolt up the stairs.
“Wait!”Jonathan rushes after me.“What’s tomorrow?”
“Saturday.”
He’s not up for my dry wit.“Tell me.”He reaches for me, reeling me into him again.I try to resist.
I present him with an envelope.“Meet me here.”He begins to open it.I take advantage and slip past him out the door.My heart’s racing.This is officially happening.
My phone pings.
Jonathan:Where are you?
Me:See you soon.Reserved signs.Front row.
Danika pokes her head into the room.“Ready?”
“I think I’m going to throw up.”Air is having a hard time finding my lungs.
“You’ve got it.No big deal.It’s just everything.”She shoots me a teasing grin.
I attempt another breath.“How much longer?”
She leans out to check the commotion in the hall.“Um, probably fifteen minutes.”
“That’s an eternity.”I seriously might collapse from anticipation.
