But my mom isn’t asking about my friends.She’s asking me ifIfeel safe.
“Yes.”The word has strength behind it.“BecauseIhave friends who would do anything for me.And a family who’ll always protect me.I’m… privileged, I guess.”
This shocks her.It shocks me as well.
“You think that?”
“It’s not a bad thing, Mom,” I assure her, although my cheeks are red as I acknowledge it for the first time.I had a hard time hearing it from Collin.But I’ve been sitting with it every day since, flipping it over and examining it.And it’s time I recognize my situation for what it is.“It just means that I have to do a better job of making sure everyone else feels safe too.”
“You’re not the same, my Sadie.You’ve changed.”She cups my cheek as her eyes shine.I’m not sure if this has made her sad, until she says with a note of pride, “You’ve grown up.When did that happen?You still have the biggest heart, but you also see the truth of the world.And instead of it makingyouhard, it made you the best of us.”
I can’t gather a response.My mother has never said anything like this to me before.I thought my overly dramatic reactions and societal edge–dwelling friends embarrassed her.That she was disappointed I wasn’t taking life more seriously because I don’t havedirectionor I’m so busy with my cause of the minute that I never make a real difference.
I don’t know what to do with myself right now.And the moment I consider hugging her, she blinks the tears from her eyes and sits upright.
“Thank you for listening.I’m heading out to meet with the photographer for a magazine shoot we’re doing.Magda put dinner in the fridge for you to heat up.There’s more than enough for Danika.”
I nod.
She collects her computer bag and purse before heading to the coat closet.“I’ll be late.And I think your dad may be as well.He’s out knocking on doors, if you can believe it.”
I smile.He asked if I wanted to help campaign with him and his team.But just the thought of knocking on strangers’ doors to ask them to vote for my dad nearly brought on an attack of the hiccups.
Before she can leave, I finally find my voice.“I love you, Mom.”
She looks back before closing the door and smiles.“Lock the door behind me.”
I’m asking the prosecutor’s officeto drop the charges.”Danika blindsides me in the middle of studying for physics.
We haven’t talked about the trial since Oren was released on bail last month.He’s being homeschooled for the remainder of senior year.And the judge issued a restraining order so he can’t come within one hundred yards of Danika.
“Did someone say something to convince you not to?”I ask, thinking of Darren and the other football players who idolize Oren and make dick-ish comments about how they wish he were in school.They’ve basically ostracized Sean for supporting Danika.
“You mean, other than Livvy tossing one of her germ-infested lollipops at me in the bathroom, accusing me of lying?Saying he has never hurt anyone ever and that I’m the real abuser?”
Oh, that girl.“What the—”
“That brat doesn’t bother me.Regardless, that’s not why.”She picks at her hot-pink nail polish.“But she does have a point.”
“He hurtyou.”
“I know.”She can’t look at me when she admits, “I don’t want to be the person who ruins his entire life.Especially when he’ll probably only get probation.”
I’m trying so very hard to hear her out and not react judgmentally.I don’t want to lose her over a guy ever again.So, every time I inhale to say something, I stop myself and hold my breath instead.
After I do this twice, she finally says, “Talk.Whatever it is, say it.You’re going to make yourself pass out.”
“What does this mean exactly?Willanythinghappen to him?”
“I know that wasn’t what you were going to say.You were gonna tell me that I’m not ruining his life.He did that to himself when he hurt me.”
“But I didn’t say it!”I declare victoriously.“I figured you thought about thisa lotand that you probably have reasons you feel this way.And Iwantto understand.”
I also want to scream, He almost killed you!
“Look at you, not telling people how to take on their issues,” she mocks, but smiles to let me know she loves me.“My parents and I talked about it after they spoke with his parents.Oren and I were terrible to each other.It wasn’t just him.Sure, he’s stronger, and his anger left marks that lasted longer, but I was just as horrible to him.I hurt him, too, like Livvy said.I feel like I need to take responsibility for that.”
She sounds like an adult.It throws me.
