Danika begins walking down the hall again.It takes a moment for the shock to wear off and for the rest of us to catch up.
“Uh, what was that?”Jaz asks.
“Laurel… came through for me,” Danika says.“Still think she’s annoying.But so am I.”
I link my arm through Danika’s.“Expressive.You’re expressive.”
Danika’s coming over to study tonight,” I tell my mom when I enter the house.“She has some catching up to do.”
“How did today go?”she asks, knowing it was her first day back.
“It was okay,” I tell her, searching the fridge for something to eat.I’m always starving after dance.I grab a cheese and nuts pack and a pear that’s finally soft enough to eat.
Before I can disappear from the kitchen, she asks, “Can I talk to you a second?”
I slow my escape and turn to face her.
“Will you sit?”
Sitting means this is serious.I brace myself.
I lower onto the seat next to her at the table.She sets a hand on mine and tilts her head so she can look at me fully.She’s worrying me, and she’s yet to say anything.
“I wanted to check in with you, to see how you’re handling everything.Especially after what you witnessed at the lake with Danika.”
She’s asked me several times since the day of the bonfire how Danika was healing.How I was.But I brushed her off for the most part, escaping a true conversation because there was always something to pull one of us away.But now that we’re sitting in front of each other with nothing to distract us, I don’t know what to say, what shewantsme to say.
“I know I’m not usually the one you come to when you need to talk about this kind of thing.But as a woman, I understand what it can feel like to be intimidated or threatened by a man.”
“You do?”This surprises me.My brother and I used to joke that if the house were on fire, it would be Mom who came in to rescue everyone.Not because my dad isn’t brave, but while he’d be directing firefighters where to find us, Mom would say,Screw it, and do it herself.
Mom gives me a soft smile.“Every day, we have to navigate the world.Protect ourselves from the wrong attention, unwanted attention, maybe evenunnoticedattention.Whether it’s on a dark sidewalk, in the parking garage, at a bar or restaurant, at work or even among people we think are our friends.
“We don’t just have to care for our spouses, our children, our coworkers and employees.We have to take care of our emotions too—so we’re not too hard, too soft, too kind or too bitchy.And we don’t do it to impress other women.We do it to protect ourselves from the men out there who are looking for any and every opportunity to harm us.”
I blink, needing to absorb it.And not something I’ve ever considered—at least not in this way.
“I’m not trying to scare you.”She wraps her fingers around my hand.“I want you to know that I understand how it is.And that I love you.”
There’s something caught in my throat.
“You’ve always been comfortable with every kind of friend, no matter who they are, boy or girl, straight or queer, troubled or genuine.Your dad is always telling you that you have the biggest heart of all of us.It’s what makes you so very special, Sadie, and I want to protect that heart.Which may mean having to make hard choices sometimes.Right?”
I nod.She leans in a little closer.
“I’m not asking you to choose anything right now.All I want to know is, doyoufeel safe?With the friends you have.Those who hold your heart.The places you go.And the home you live in.”
Her pale blue eyes search mine—of the same shade.“Do you feel safe?”
The question echoes in the stillness between us.
I think about my friends andtheirhomes,theirloves,theirfamilies and iftheyare safe everywhere we go.And they are not.
Jaz and Darcy avoid certain places because of the looks they get.Jaz walks with her hands out of her pockets when we’re shopping.Darcy wonders what made her birth parents not want her, no matter how much she’s loved by those who chose her.
Jonathan and Collin are always sized up at parties and sporting events.Forget Jonathan’s family, where he has to be brave for his little brother, loving toward his mother and ready to take a hit from his father at any minute.
And I’ve had to watch Danika’s brilliance get stripped away by two different guys because… I don’t know why.I don’t know why any of this is happening.Or why we continue to pretend it’s okay.
