“I’ve been providing information to the Order.And disinformation to Orlik, when I can.”
“I don’t understand how you can do it,” I said.“I literally don’t.”
Darion opened his mouth to speak, but I put up my hand.“No,” I said, forceful enough to make him stop.This was too much to hear at once, and I was swirling with conflicting emotions that I didn’t know how to process.Hearing more from him now would only make things worse.
“I’m going to need some time,” was all I was able to say.
Darion nodded slowly, a deep frown on his face.“Of course.”
There was a long pause during which we both remained silent, looking out at the sea.
It was Darion who finally spoke.“Well, I guess Rook gave us a job.”
“Huh?”I asked.“Oh, suppressing my Ember?”
“Yes.They can sense even the smallest bit of Ember within you.”
“I didn’t even think I was using Ember with my innate abilities.”
“All Emberborn have some within them.I can feel it coursing through me all the time,” Darion said.“But I’ve learned to suppress it.It takes some practice, but eventually it becomes second nature.”
“And you’re doing that now?”I asked.
“I am.”
“I’m not sure I like the idea of turning off part of who I am,” I said.“Do you think that if I shut it off, it will mute things like my memory and climbing ability?”
“Perhaps.But hopefully you can learn to control it enough that it gives you exactly what you need when you need it.Are you willing to give it a try?”
I didn’t love the idea, but I didn’t see an alternative, at least not while we were being actively hunted.“Yeah.Let’s try it.”
Darion talked me through the process.It involved reaching into my mind, isolating a part that felt like a warm, flowing river, and then damming it up.It was the opposite of reaching out with my abilities.After only a small amount of practice, I was able to at leastmutethe Ember flowing through me.
But I didn’t enjoy it.It felt unnatural, and I had to concentrate every moment to keep it turned off.I hadn’t realized just how intertwined with my very being it was until I knew what it felt not to have it.It felt no different from closing my eyes, or plugging my ears, or even holding my breath.It was stifling.
I hated having to turn off a part of myself.
“How did you learn to do this?”I asked.
Darion looked me in the eye.“Given where I grew up, it was learn to suppress my Ember or die.”
Chapter thirty-eight
The Jagged Coast
Wesaileddeepintothe night.
Sticking to the facts, I told Darion what had happened since we had been separated at Pyrehold.He was shocked and angry at Verrin’s betrayal and surprised to hear that Kael had taken Elena on the East Road.He took my suspicions about Kael at face value and didn’t argue or contradict me.
All this should have reassured me, but instead it tightened the knot in my chest.I could feel myself starting to trust him again.And I so wanted to.But that was the problem.Trusting him meant letting him in again, and the pain of what had happened at Pyrehold was still raw and exposed.I couldn’t take that kind of pain again.
Soon Rook called us into the cabin to discuss strategy.
The space was cramped, just big enough for a handful of hammocks and the table we gathered around to pore over a map.An oil lantern hung from a hook, bobbing with each wave.
“So no Grey Spit,” I said.
“They’ll catch us before we even dock,” Rook said.
