She smiles. “I’m glad you came with me.”
“I am too.”
It was good to see.
“Can I tell you something, and do you promise not to get mad at me?” Sadie asks, studying me.
“I can promise I will try to not get mad.”
She sighs heavily. “I guess that’s a start.” Her pause is long, and then finally she says her statement as one giant run-on without taking a breath. “I’ve been coming out to see Cloud every day for months and months, and I don’t want you to get mad because I love him, and I don’t think he wanted to kill me.”
I wait for her to peek up at me. “You just talk to him?”
“Yes.”
“Have you gone in the stall?”
“No. I promise.”
“Well, I’m not mad. I just wish you’d told me.”
Sadie huffs. “You are never calm, Dad. You’re always so mad at Cloud.”
“I’m not mad at the horse.” Her eyes tell me she’s not buying it. “Fine. I’m not always mad at the horse, but sometimes I am. I’m not mad at you.”
I feel like that should stand for something.
“Daddy, do you miss riding with me?” she asks as we step outside and push closed the barn doors.
For a moment my lungs don’t work as well as they had before. Her question literally knocks the breath out of me.
I let the answer settle inside of me before I give it. I do miss riding with her. It was something we both loved to do, and it meant the world to me. To share a love we both had for horses. At the same time, I worry if I answer her, telling her that part, she’ll use it as a way to get me to let her ride again.
As much as I want that, as much as I know it’s the right thing to do, my overwhelming fear of losing her crushes those wants.
And the only thing I can think to do is protect her the only way I know how.
I clear my throat and decide that the only thing I can ever do is tell her the truth. “I miss it, but I would miss you so much more if I lost you. You think that I’m doing it because I’m scared, and you’re right, Cupcake. I’m absolutely terrified.”
I squat in front of her as she stares down at me with her mother’s eyes. I lift my hand and rest it on her cheek. “You’re the world to me. You’re my everything, and when you were lying there, your eyes closed, looking like you were broken, well, I about died that day.”
“But…I’m fine.”
I smile. “Yeah, you’re fine right now, but you weren’t for a long time.”
I think back to the rehab, the pain, the way she fought so hard and the countless nights where she sobbed because she ached.
It killed me.
To watch her suffer. To know that something I gave her hurt her so much. The guilt was eating me alive.
It still does.
“I amnow,” Sadie says. “Just think about it, Dad. I want to ride again. I want to ride withyouagain.”
Her soft smile tears at my heartstrings. “I’ll think about it.”
That’s all I can promise right now.
