In one moment, everything has changed. There can’t be anusanymore. If he doesn’t want me to tell her, then we can never share another moment like this ever again. We will have to have a strictly professional relationship.
Even after telling myself all of that, I reach for him, wanting just one more second of contact. Just one more damn time I canbe close to him, but I stop myself. “I can’t do this, Killian. We can never be together again. You understand that, right?”
He shakes his head and rubs the bridge of his nose. “No, I don’t understand. I think, right now, this is overwhelming and neither of us is making rational decisions.”
I laugh at that. “There is no rational, Killian! You and I have made too many mistakes and we’re being punished.”
I wait for the voice of reason. For the smart, pragmatic man I know who is going to say something about how this will all work out, but he stays silent.
The two of us wait, watching the other, and my heart is breaking. We both know the truth—this can’t work now. We can’t possibly carry on a relationship. All of this was doomed from the start, our decisions damned us to hell.
Killian must see something in my eyes. He nods. “I understand.” His voice is raw and angry. “I’ll stay in the guest house so you can have your space and I don’t make you uncomfortable.”
“What? No! I’ll go stay there. I should’ve probably stayed there to begin with, but we were hoping Travis was coming back.”
“I’d rather go and let you have the house,” he says.
I can feel the moisture building in my eyes, hating all of this so much. We weren’t supposed to end like this. I still had a few more days before I had to leave. More time where I could be happy. I didn’t even have time to fully enjoy what we had.
I knew it was coming, but not so soon.
“How did this happen?” I ask the window, not wanting him to see the tears in my eyes.
“I don’t know.”
I feel him leave the bed. He walks to his discarded clothes, pulling his shorts on before returning and sinking onto the edgeof the bed. His head is hanging low, forearms resting on his knees, and he’s just staring at the floor.
He looks so sad and it breaks me, causing me to throw away all the reasons I had not to touch him.
I reach out, resting my hand on his back before moving it up to his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
“What the hell are you sorry for?” he asks quickly, glancing at me from over his shoulder.
I pull my hand back, forcing myself to put a little distance between us.
There are so many things I did wrong.
Things I should’ve been smarter about. I may have been ranting about pissing off the universe, but it’s true.
We broke the rules.
We knew that being together was stupid, but I didn’t care. I wanted him. I wanted whatever we could have. I convinced myself that none of it mattered, that we were adults and we’d just walk away at the end.
I should’ve never let it get this far, and the worst part is that now I know him.
I know the beautiful man he is, deep inside. I know what this entire place means to him and I’ve let him down.
“All of it. I should’ve left after we had sex the first time. I should’ve done the right thing, brought another publicist down here. I compromised everything for you, Killian. If you lose this farm, it’s on me.”
Killian gets to his feet so fast it stuns me. His voice is stern and there’s a fire in his eyes that wasn’t there before. “Listen to me, this is not on you. Not even a little. I did this. I asked you to stay. I wanted you to stay. Fuck, I still want you to stay. You did nothing wrong. Jesus, Tessa. You don’t see it? You don’t see how the only reason I’m still fighting is because of you?”
I rear back, my throat tight as I try to process what he’s saying. “What?”
He takes a step closer. “I love this place, I always have, but the reason I’m doing all of this is for you. I want you to see how fucking special you are. I would’ve…I don’t know…sold the fucking farm by now. Yes, it means something to me, but I would’ve let it go. I’m holding on because you care. You’ve convinced me to keep caring. You’ve fought and so I’m beside you, fighting as well. You have pushed and shown me that it’s possible, not easy, but we could do it. I wouldn’t have done some bachelorette girl’s thing. I would’ve sold the horses, sold the farm, and gone back to Boston by now.” Killian extends his hand slowly, grazing my cheek. “I’m fighting because you’ve made me believe we could. I understand why you’re upset, but don’t for one minute think it’s just about the farm for me. It’s much more. So much more.”
His hand drops and then walks out of my room, taking my heart with him.
twenty-three
