“He’s not here,” she responded, turning away from me to disappear back into the archives.
I took advantage of my stride length to put myself between her and the door in one step, cutting her off in an act of bravery which, had I been in a warzone, would have earned me half a dozen medals.
“Ellie,” I pleaded, voice barely above a whisper. “Just tell him I’m here. Let him decide if he wants to see me.”
“He’s not here,” she repeated.
“Ellie—”
“No, Theo, he’snot here. For real,” she said.
My heart sank. That must’ve shown on my face, because Ellie’s glare softened from vaporizing space laser to minor stab wound.
“Then—”
“I will tell you where he is only if,” Ellie interrupted me, raising a warning finger, “you can tellmeexactly what you did wrong, and how you’re planning to apologize. Because I’ve been mopping up after you all week.”
See, this was the thing. Everyone loved Simon. Simon made friends everywhere he went. Even his ex-girlfriend was ready to defend him with her life. Or more likely, mine.
It still felt impossible that he’d chooseme. It’d felt impossible when he picked me to be his friend, and it felt evenmoreimpossible that he could...
Love me. The way I wanted him to. Despite... everything about me.
“I…”
I swallowed. Whathadn’tI done?
Spent a decade taking him for granted, for a start. Let him believe I wasn’t hopelessly, painfully in love with him. Gone out of my way to hide it, in fact, but expected him to know anyway when it was convenient for me. All without eversayingso.
Ever. In our whole lives.
Simon neversawme without telling me he loved me. To the point where I’d stopped really hearing it. I knew, obviously. I knew the way I knew the sun would rise and water would be wet. That Simon loved me was part of the landscape of my life. So much a part of it that I’d stopped seeing it at all.
“Hurt him,” I said.
Ellie made a rollinggo onhand gesture.
I licked my lips. “What did he tell you?”
I didn’t want to share anything Simon hadn’t. I owed him that much.
“Well, first of all, he told me about your arrangement. Being each other’s plus-ones as required.”
Oh.
I’m just your plus one. That’s all I’ll ever be.
“That…”
How could I explain myself in a way that didn’t make me sound like the unforgivable coward I was?
I probably couldn’t.
“Because I wanted to be with him,” I said. “All this time, all I’ve ever wanted was to be with Simon and you have got to believe me when I say I didn’t know he might possibly even be willing to give me a chance. I kissed him once, when we were in college,” I confessed.
Ellie tilted her head, brows drawn.
“He pushed me away,” I said. “AndnowI know he did that becausehedidn’t think I could possibly wanthim, he thought I was only doing it because I was… drunk and upset, and… I’ve made a mess of this, El. I know that. I just want a chance to fix it. Simon… he means everything to me. I don’t even know who I am without him. From the moment I met him, I knew he was everything I wanted. He… heismy plus one. My other half. I have no idea how to be Theo without Simon.”
