His voice broke. I wanted to take the opportunity to say something, but I couldn’t get mine to work, either.
“Because he loves you,” Simon choked out. “BecauseI love you. How many times have I said it? Hundreds. Thousands, probably. So I know you know and I’ve just been deluding myself that you don’t.”
He paused to laugh again, a sound that was half a sob and half a scream. It was the worst thing I’d ever heard in my life. I’d never seen Simon heartbroken before, but I was seeing it now.
I hated it.
“You wanna know how many times you’ve said it back?” he continued. “Zero.Never.”
My mouth fell open.
He was right. I knew, as soon as he said it, that he was right.
I never told anyone I loved them. Corey had reminded me of that earlier.
“Simon, I?—”
He cut me off again with a wave of his hand. “Don’t. I swear to God, Theo,don’t, or I’ll… fuck.”
I stared helplessly at him, my heartbeat deafening in my ears.
He laughed again. If anything, it was worse this time.
“Forget it,” he said, tilting his head back to look up at the sky. “You’re right. We forget all of this. I’ll cool off and I won’t be mad anymore and we can go back to exactly the way things were once we’re home. I’m old enough to know that I can’t earn you, no matter what I do. I just thought...” He sighed, arms falling to his sides with a thump. “This is… it’s fine. I’m just your plus one. That’s all I’ll ever be.”
By some miracle, when he turned and walked away, I knew better than to follow him.
25
SIMON
“What’s this in aid of?”I asked as Ellie set a takeout cup and paper bag in front of me on the break room table.
“You tell me,” she said, pulling out the opposite chair. The table was small enough that her knee bumped mine as she sat down, sharp eyes on me the entire time.
I rubbed my thumb over the hot pink band aid on the tip of my index finger instead of meeting her eyes. “What makes you think there’s anything to tell?”
I didn’t look up, but I could feel the force of the way her brow shot up in the air between us.
I was lucky to have her. Even when she was turning her CIA-level interrogation techniques on me. Maybe especially then.
“That band aid tells me.”
“It’s only a paper cut.”
“From a three-hundred-year-old manuscript,” Ellie said, which was true. “I’veneverseen you mishandle anything like that, even accidentally.”
“How much trouble am I in?” I asked, risking a glance at her face. Her nose wrinkled. Ellie had the ideal button nose for maximum wrinkling effect.
“Abdul is afraid you’ve been diagnosed with something terminal,” she said. “You’re not in trouble. You are contributing to the likelihood of several people developing stomach ulcers over worrying about you, though, and the insurance here isn’tthatgood.”
My lips quirked in spite of my best efforts to stop them.
Ellie pushed the takeout cup toward me. “Drink your strawberry matcha latte,” she said. “Indulge in the healing properties of a matching strawberry glaze donut. Tell me what’s up. I’ll even start you off: Theo.”
I curled my hands around the latte, running my thumb along the edge of the lid. Of course she knew it was Theo. Who else had enough of a hold on my heart to break it?
“Strawberry matcha?” I asked.
