My stomach turned over, heartbeat pounding in my ears.
Maybe that wasn’t it. Maybe he just didn’t understand what I was getting at. Itwasweird, out of context, that I’d want to stay here a minute longer than I had to. Maybe he hadn’t noticed me stalling all night.
“I thought… we don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” I said, the words bitter on my tongue. Ididn’twant him to do anything he didn’t want to. Not for the world. “But, uh. I was thinking… one more night. Of… of this.”
“This?” Simon raised an eyebrow.
“Us.”
“Us,” Simon repeated, pronouncing the word like he’d never heard it before.
Because there was nous. This was all temporary. I was doing what I always tried so, so hard not to do—asking him for something he didn’t want to give me.
I couldn’t push. No matter how badly I wanted this. Simon always gave into me, always did what he thought I wanted.
The thought of having another night like that made me sick. He didn’t want this anymore. I had to accept that.
“It’s fine,” I said. “We can… I’m asking too much.”
Simon blinked at me.
“Theo, I have no idea what you’re asking. Why could you possibly want to stay here?”
I forced myself to shrug and my lips to curve into what I hoped was at least a passable approximation of a casual smile. “I just thought we could have one more night. Y’know, for the road. Before we forget about all of this.”
“Forget about all of this?” Simon asked.
God, Corey was right. I wasnotgreat with my own words.
Use someone else’s.
“What happens in Montauk stays in Montauk,” I said.
Simon’s lips moved as he repeated the words silently to himself. He’dhaveto understand now. He was the one who said it.
“Us,” he said after a moment, so soft I might’ve missed it if I hadn’t still been watching his lips. “You… holy shit.”
Simon stepped away from me. My heart tumbled clear out of my chest and plunged into the chasm opening up between us at the look on his face.
“You were… this was…fuck,” he said, taking another step back, running a hand through his hair. “You just… you let me think… but it was all just… Jesus Christ, Theo.”
Simon turned away, tugging on his hair and making a wounded sound. The lump in my throat swelled again, making it hard to swallow.
I’d screwed up, but I didn’t quite understandhow, yet.
Simon turned back to face me, tears glistening in his eyes. “You were being someone else,” he said, his voice soft and faint. Distant. “Because this isn’t real life. This isn’t… real, to you. You?—”
He cut himself off, shoulders heaving as he breathed. Then he met my eyes with a glare unlike anything I’d ever seen on his face before. I hadn’t realized his face coulddothat.
“What iswrongwith you?” he asked. “Holy shit, they’ve all been right. I’ve spent ten years defending you. Ten years telling people that yeah, I’d do anything for you, but I’m making that choice and you’d never do anything to hurt me. That you’re not taking advantage. I didn’t even think twice about letting everyone believe we were dating because I’d repeated that so much that it didn’t even occur to me to wonder if I was wrong. But you know, dammit, youknowhow I feel about you. You knowwhyI’d do anything for you. I let it go the first time you kissed me just because I was there, because you were hurtingand you wanted someone to soothe your ego. But we were kids then. We’re not kids now. You can’t treat me like a toy and expect me to just…forget it.”
“But—”
“Don’t,” Simon cut me off, palm raised. The tears were threatening to spill over, stinging. I wanted more than anything to go to him, but everything about him was one big warning sign right now, from the set of his jaw to the glint of his eyes.
He laughed—a harsh, bitter sound that made my stomach turn over again.
“I’m so stupid,” he said. “I thought you’d finally seen me. I thought you wantedme, Simon. But you didn’t. You wanteda boyfriendto show everyone. Then you wanted a boyfriend to… what? Fill in between chasing after people who don’t give a shit about you? But you don’t need that anymore, because we’re going home. You’ll go back to your life and someone shiny will catch your eye and then they’ll break your heart, again, butSimonwill be there to fix it, because he always is, because?—”
