He froze at my words and I don’t know why, but I crossed some invisible line by calling him Sam. He was stiff beneath me and as much as I loved being on top of him, I knew I needed to move.
I stood and did my pants up, looking at his shaking hands. “Do you hate being called Sam?” I ask, hoping I didn’t ruin us again.
“I can’t do this. I thought…” he rubs his hands over his face. “I thought I could, but fuck…” he looks at me, and I swear I see his regret in his eyes and I might actually hate him.
“I am so fucked up, Mya.”
I nod. The tears in my eyes shedding against my trying not to.
“I can see that.”
“You don’t understand...” he says as he stands, readjusting his jeans, and I know he wants me… but I know nothing else.
“Then make me understand and let me decide if I can take it.” I cry, wiping more tears as he storms down the stairs to the parking lot.
I follow him not willing to let him shit on me again.
“Sully?” I yell, but he just keeps storming off to his truck.
“Sully, please talk to me.”
Nothing. All I get is his retreating back.
“Can you just stop for one fucking minute and talk to me?” I scream, and I feel like I am begging for him to see me. Always begging for his attention. “Sully, please!” I yell to his retreating back.
I watch him slow his pace to an exhausted stroll by the time he reaches the driver side door. His hands hang loosely at his sides as he stares to the sky. “I’m fucking sorry!” He roars to the sky.
I walk slowly to him, like I am tracking some scared to death fawn in the forest. I know I need to tread lightly here. Something I can’t see holds him back and I just want to know. Even if he is too broken by his divorce to move forward, I feel I deserve answers.
“I deserve to hear you say it, Sully. I deserve that.”
“I know,” he says with humorless laughter, shaking his head while looking at me sadly. “Look. I’m better off alone, Mya. I … nothing has changed since that night in DC. I thought I could try, but I can’t it’s too much.”
“Give me your worst and let me decide that.” I place my hand on my chest and look at him, pleading for him to give me something. “Did… did you cheat on her? Hit her? What happened so bad that you refuse to live?”
I see the raw anger flash in his eyes at my words and I flinch when he walks toward me with purpose. “See, that is the difference between us. You are so naïve to think something so simple and generic has destroyed me. I would never hit a woman. Are you fucking kidding me? As for cheating, that wouldn’t happen either. I am a loyal man, Mya. I don’t lack integrity or morals. She cheated. She had a fucking affair, married the son of a bitch, and had more kids. She moved on and I am stuck in this perpetual hell, mourning every part of it!”
“More kids?” I ask, disregarding the rest. “Did she have a kid with him? Is that how you found out?” I reach for his arm, trying to show him I can understand if he would let me in. He moved away from me as if I had branded him.
His hands go over his face and I know he is hurting. I was not prepared for the truth he would provide. Nothing could have prepared me for that shock. His eyes focus on me. I can see the determination in them, that he will tell me once and for all, what holds him back from moving on.
“She had a child with me. Her name is Kace Deja Sullivan and just shy of three years old when…” he looks at me, tears rimming the red lids of his eyes. He palms his eyes trying to erase the proof of his pain. “She was ours. Okay?”
I nod and reach to take his hands, but he still won’t let me touch him. “Why won’t you let me touch you, Sully? Do I detest you that much?”
I hate the sob that catches in my throat as I stand vulnerable in front of him.
“No, Pet. I detest myself,” he says, and tries to reach for me in some consoling way that I don’t want and step back from.
“Well, I can’t keep this up. You won’t let me in, won’t let me touch you, or near you. I beg for answers and you still deny even friendship, so I’m done.”
I wanted him to call my name. To ask me to wait or follow me. To stop me from walking away. He did nothing. Honestly, why should he? I chased him. I pushed the boundaries and his limits. He never once invaded my space. It was always me pushing. I see it now. Humiliated, I swear to God, then and there, I will never go through this again.
