“Oh, fuck yeah, every chance she could. All the girls were thrown in my face.”
“Do you ever think that if I would have told you about Axe when he was born… I don’t know do you ever think we both would have been different?”
He seems to truly think on it and ponder that question. I understand the weight of it, I have spent countless hours pondering it too.
“I think I would have been an even bigger dick to you both. I needed Axe to find my heart. I fell for Tay around a year before I knew he existed. Had I not fought to win her and changed every part of me, I would have shit on you and the boy.”
I nod but say nothing because I know it kills him to answer with the truth he did. For all my changes and all of his, we were both our worst selves when we created Axe.
We watch the fire, deep in thought. I finish my wine and he finishes his beer. The night has kicked my ass though and I am ready for a chick flick in bed where I might cry or laugh. I felt that spark at the concert, but now I feel awful hearing about their shitty relationship from the start.
“Did I ruin everything talking about this shit?” He asks and I watch him scrub his beard.
“Ruin what? It’s been a good night I thought.” I am the master of playing it cool, when all I want to do is beg him to pick me, pick us and let her go.
“Come here you little liar. Come sit with me and hear me out.” He pulls me onto my knees and scoops my ass in his hands before plopping me on his lap.
“I don’t want us to just fuck Jen. I want you. I need you and it go's deep." He looks at me, his intense eyes, those thick long lashes that melt me... "I won’t lay my heart out and dive into how I feel and be pushed away, again."
I want so bad to say yes and kiss him, but… I take a deep breath and kiss him sweetly before I say what I need to. “I need to be fair to my heart and to Axe. I never want him to hope for us as a family with the white picket fence and then not deliver it. I want you so much Cal, I think about you and what we could be so much.”
“But?” He asks me, and he looks terrified.
“But, we have never done the date thing, or to fuck without need being the driving force. I want you to want me in every sense of the word. To own me, heart and soul. Before that could ever happen, Caly you need to choose between Tay and I.” I place my finger over his lips when he goes to protest what I just said.
“Let me clarify. I know you and Tayla are done and living in separate worlds. I get it, but I need to decide if your heart feels that too. I can date you and we can grow this thing between us, but I will need to know it is me and only me before I can give you all of me. I won’t compete with her memory. I have waited so long Cal, over ten years in and out of your bed wishing I could stay. I need to know that when I am there I am there for good, and I can wait for that.”
“Why now?” I see what he is saying. But, starting now it counts on a different scale.
“Caly, I am not saying I won’t be with you or in your bed." I sigh and try to find the right words. "Every night before this moment took its toll on my heart. I have never even shared a night’s sleep in your arms. I want to know that if I risk my heart with you, then I need to know you’ll figure it out soon and not string me along.” I kiss him, let my lips linger. I feel his hands encase my ass and pull me into him, feeling what I do to him, wanting him more than ever, I still pull back and hope he agrees.
“So, what are you asking me Red, break it down.” He nuzzles into my neck, pulling my hair to expose my entire neck. It is impossible to think right now as he does it. I pull back and place my hands on his chest.
“You are making it too hard to think.”
He laughs and nods, folding his arms over his chest and he gives me his undivided attention.
“I am saying yes, yes let’s date, let’s make something special spark in bed and fall asleep together. Take me on dates, I will take you on some fun ones. Be in my life and let me into yours…”
"You recall I said this same thing a few days ago?"
"Yeah and I didn’t answer. Now I am asking the same in return as well as agreeing to it... you are who I want Cal..."
"But?" He asks again and I know he is frustrated.
"But, I need to know it’s me. I need to feel it and know it’s true. I handed my heart to you the only way I could and I need you to choose to give me yours."
"Then I will give you the proof Jen and I will find some way to let you see inside me to know it's true. And, on a side not we spent the night together last night in your bed just sleeping."
I am bombarded with the thoughts on what he thinks or feels about the journals and I need to know. I can’t burry this. "I was not going to ask this. I was going to play it out and see."
He looks at me confused now and tips my chin so I see his eyes. "Ask what?"
"The journals? Did you..." I choke on the question and look away. I wanted him to see into my mind in a way I couldn’t give him on my own. I also fear the truth of what those mean for us if he hasn’t.
"Did I read them?" He asks and the pain that lances every dingle part of his face tells me he did. "I read almost everything. There was a lot that I forgot until reading it." He twirls pieces of my hair.
"I remembered the night your mom left and when you moved back to the trailer. There was a lot I don’t remember because I was wasted or just didn’t give a fuck."
