I am laying back on the couch that circles the pit, my feet on his lap, dying from the omg goodness of him rubbing my feet. “I hate that I made you feel self-conscious. That wasn’t my intent.”
He smiles and slides his hands to my ankles and shins. “I should from time to time though. I am arrogant. I hate to admit it, but money changed me.”
I pull my legs from him and sit up, so I am facing him. He wants none of that though and pulls my legs to him until I am right beside him. “That’s better.” He says and chuckles.
“See, that’s that sexy swagger that you have right there, and it is part of the arrogance so no, it isn’t all bad. That swagger will get you any girl you want.”
He watches me, pondering what I just said. “I think I have what I want, right here.”
He isn’t flirting. No, he is being real, and I can’t breathe. I have to say and do the right thing here, no matter how much I want to scream okay and strip naked. “What’s that?”
“You, me…a fire, few beers. Axe is missing, but he’s always here with us regardless.
“You had that with Tayla didn’t you?” I ask because I am curious. Lately he implies that I make a difference and I want so bad to know why… to know what happened or what was wrong with him and Tayla.
“No, not at all. We weren’t bad together. Axe was a monkey wrench though, but even then… I don’t know. I know she loves him, but I don’t think he is what we were planning on. We both wanted kids, but I think we never would have had them. She was okay with us putting our careers first. I changed with him-forhim. I didn’t want to work nonstop. I wanted to go to the park and to play or do Sundays in bed with ESPN or Star Wars.”
I can tell he isn’t done, so I sip from my wine and wait on him to open up more. “I don’t think she was fucking Black when she says she was.” He stops and looks at me. “That day in court when you signed him over to me?” He asks me like as if I could forget.
“Hard to forget that day. I didn’t sleep for months because I felt so much guilt.”
“Firefly…” He says and scoots until he is right in front of me and places his hands in mine. “Never feel that, not on that. I saw you for the first time that day. I saw more than what I had always assumed. I saw it wrecked you, I knew you loved him and that there was more to the story. If I had to fight you I was willing, but you did the hardest thing and it was what he needed. It gave him his mom back, Jen.”
I feel my tears fall and try to pull my hands from his to shield them. I never let anyone see me hurt, but in this, with Axe… I can’t hide it. Cal leans in and kisses them as they fall, then uses his thumbs to wipe them away.
“You are an amazing mom Jen. Never ever doubt that. Even when you were ruled by things that hurt you both, you tried to do what you could and when you couldn’t, you brought him home. That money that I changed for, that money that gave him what he needed?" He shakes his head and sighs. "It was the strongest most difficult thing you ever had to do." He takes my hand and brushes my knuckles. "The right thing is never the easy thing."
I nod and try to catch my breath because he is too good, it scares me to love him like this. “Tell me the rest, tell me why you thought of that day Cal.”
“We don’t need to talk about this. We don’t need to talk about her. Shit gets awkward because I am feeling you and I am passed what she did.”
He's so open about his feelings and I love it, love finally glimpsing some emotion from him about us. But to say he is over her is a scary thought. He rearranged his life and the very person he was for her. It isn’t something you get past easily when the person you love destroys you.
“If you’re passed it then tell me.”
He sits back and looks at the fire for a minute. He doesn’t seem frustrated, just in thought. So again, I wait and let him find his words.
“In court that day. I told the Judge that Tay was going to be my wife, and that she would be adopting Axe.” He looks at me, and honestly, I think he is assessing if I seem bothered by what he says. I don’t want to think of him with her ever, but I am so used to thinking of them together as opposed to living in the destructive hell he went through and the wake of her heartlessness when she left.
“Anyway, she flipped the fuck out after we left court. I mean flipped out. She was so bent over the fact I hadn’t proposed to her yet, that I just assumed…” He shakes his head and it is proof he isn’t over it all yet. He is bothered by what he knows now and was too blinded too see back then.
“I had assumed. I assumed that was the plan and I don’t think she did. Hind sight is twenty-twenty, and I should have caught it then. I think that was when she and Black started, that it was around that time. Now- I know and can place the late nights at the office and when the constant bitching and anger. She was not with him until after that court date. She won’t risk her pride in telling me she cheated long after we had committed to one another. She will never tell me the truth, and I don’t know... I guess I just stopped needing it.”
He looks at me and I can see he is scared to tell me these things. Whether he feels nothing or he still loves her isn’t the point. He wants me to know because he respects me and it is the first time I think it might just be what he says.
“I chose Axe. The minute I saw him at my mom and dads, saw his eyes. I knew my world was a different one and I think she resented me for it. It took me years to choose her and seconds with Axe.”
“Can I ask something?” I hadn’t thought about these timelines or why they would matter, but wanted the answers anyway.
“You guys were together for like three years or something right?”
He nods and swigs from his beer. “Yeah and no. We were fucking since the first album. It started about a month before Shames dad died. That was six and a half years ago.”
I calculate the timeline in my head and feel horrified. “So, we were…”
He nods. “Yeah, every-time I knew you were around. Hell, there were times I told her to pass along the message to come to my bus if I didn’t go to the greenroom or you didn’t. I sent money for it, reserved rooms for it. Tay knew it all. I can’t hide what a piece of shit I was, to both of you and the countless others.”
This is the first time we have both talked about it. Uncovered all the shit and secrets. He knows mine and now I am hearing his. “Did she ever put that together?” I ask, humiliated forher,which is weird because I didn’t know. I like to think that if I would have known he had someone waiting on him, that I would have denied him. I can’t say I would back then, because sadly I loved him too.
