But having convinced myself halfheartedly that she was dead or being hurt, I proceed like the insane mother fucker she has made me. "I didn’t hear back from you..." I trail off feeling like a tool.
No, I am not crazy, just unhinged and obsessed with her and I am torn between thinking it is guilt or true interest. Both are inappropriate.
"I texted you back before I got in the shower?" She says it as a question and pulls her phone from her tank top and I want to bite my knuckles to keep from taking her mouth.
She holds the door open for me to come in. As my night goes on, well it doesn’t suck. I step in and take a seat at her crappy counter. Jen has done what she can with the shithole she rents. That isn’t me being a snob or judging. It is a shithole. Nothing about this place is legit accept for the fact it is a dump.
I admire her for owning it and making it hers. She won’t ask me for money or Noah even and we both have tried to get her to move. She says this is her budget and that’s it. If I can say anything about this place, the one renting it is tough as nails and can handle her own.
Doesn’t mean I have to like it though. I am vocal about my distaste for her skid row apartment. I refuse to let Axe come here unless I am with him and Jen luckily agrees. She spends her time at our house more than here because that is his home. It would be hers too if I could figure my shit out.
"I can see you judging..." She says and pulls two bottles of water from her shit brown fridge.
I look at my phone and see the message she sent me. I was so busy convincing myself I needed to check, I didn’t bother looking to see if she responded. "I have to Jen. This place isn’t good." I look at the chipped counter as I hand her my phone.
"Told you." She says, referring to her response on my phone. She sips from her water as she scrolls through my playlist until she comes to a song she likes. 'Until then' by Sully Erna comes on and I smile. "This song reminds me of you."
She points at me with my phone, handing it back. I am still processing this new development. "Really?" I ask and thank God, I can play off the emotional turmoil I am in constantly these days. I learned to hide my entire life. Emotional shit freaks me out and I tried being honest with her last Christmas after fucking her all night in between my emotional outbursts. She said she would wait me out. Said she wanted me, like we were that night.
That following night proved us both wrong though when Tay showed up and begged me for a chance to see what she wanted. I saw the look on Jens face... know she saw the look on mine... Still didn’t matter. I spent the night in my soundproof studio fighting with Tayla and telling her to go back to the piece of shit she cheated and left me for. Robert Black was the head of our label, Heshen Aggression and a true narcissistic son of a bitch.
I blink the memory back and play with the label on the water bottle so my face won’t give away my regrets.
She nods, responding to me asking about the song and I am pulled to listen to it. I have to hear it and see it through her, and though I have played it a thousand times it’s like this is the first. "Start it over, let me hear this shit."
She picks up my phone and restarts the song. I keep my head down as I listen to every word, every inflection of his voice as he sings it. All I see is Jen and I fall to the music for the answers.
I listen to every word and place them as best I can into our past and it shreds me. I am trying not to assume this is about us and a history of sex, love and neglect.
I say nothing as it plays. I watch her mouth the words as she watches the video and not once does she look at me until the last notes of the song fade. When she looks up, my eyes are fused to her.
"Explain." I say and keep my eyes on her. I need to see it to know if I am right. It will be in her eyes.
"What’s there to explain?" She asks nervously and hands my phone back to me, breaking eye contact. "If you don’t know already, I won’t be explaining it to you."
I nailed it.
"That’s your answer for everything Jen. When you don’t want to answer anything that could be telling you give me that horse shit. You pass the buck to me like I haven’t been paying attention." I stand from my stool; my fear and anxiety are gone and I walk to her with purpose. "But, see, I have been paying attention."
She looks up at me when I box her in to the counter, my arms caging her so she can’t run. "Have you?" She asks and licks her lips.
"Acutely." I say and let the tension fill what space is between us. I can hear her breath quicken and see the faint blush on her chest. She's nervous and she should be.
"So, what was it about then?" She asks and still turns it on me. If she wants to fight this thing all sketchy, I won’t fight fair.
"You and I from eighth grade to right this very second." I lick my lips and lean in close, so close to her lips. I could kiss her right now and she would let me, but I need her to understand that I see her. I see her from back then and I see her now. Though they aren’t the same, they still mean something. "Look at me."
I watch her look just beyond me and bite her bottom lip but the moment is interrupted when her phone chimes. She looks away as she reaches her back pocket to retrieve her phone with a nervous laugh.
Fuck that, this is too important.
I stop her by grasping her wrist. "No, look at me Red. Fuck him whoever he is."
She flinches at my words and it proves I am right. Some dude, probably CD is texting her.
Not when I am here though.
Hell fuckin no.
