“Mikey said Shame trashed the place when he got there. He called Mike about ten minutes ago and told him to take him to his house in Gig and he would get someone to clean it.” Carrie replied softly.
“So he is in Gig and not at Jerry’s?” I ask and I don’t know why I’m so mad about it.
“Yeah hon, he needed a break. He was upset Cassa.” Carrie was usually the peace maker between her and Noah and it tended to flow over to our group. I knew what she was saying made sense.
“I know.” I grumble and then dunk my head in the water. Then I cringe because I had just shaved in that water. I stood and closed the curtain starting the shower so I could actually get clean.
They took that as the cue to leave me to business but all they did was leave me alone with my thoughts and memories of Shamus in the shower washing me, touching me and whispering he loved me.
We had been free, free to be together almost always because Jerry was a crabber and gone a lot in the winter and Mike didn’t have a word to say seeing as he and Roni were doing what we were. It was the times we had to sneak around that were the best though.
Tonight I was sneaking into Jerry’s house but for completely different reasons than the thousands of times I did it before.
She’s like so whatever
You could do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that’s what everyone’s talking about!
Avril Levigne
Chapter Three
I stood before the mirror, the steam from my shower creating a fog as I wiped the condensation away with the edge of the towel, sighing at the scars on my body and the dark circles under my eyes. I hadn’t been sleeping much the last few years. The last few days were no exception. I set to task, creating the image I liked to portray. I had once been a careless and flawless girl… now I preferred to be seen as a strong independent woman and that was who Ineededto be now.
I was strong then too, just my strengths are weighed differently now. My sadness over Jerry was a weakness I am willing to allow. I knew in time I would get past the feeling of loss but until then I would bury my nose in work and move on like I always do. I have mastered the art of hiding my pain and persevering. My secrets have made me OCD about looking the part of the strong capable woman who isn’t afraid of anything.
I didn’t want Shame seeing my truth, not now, maybe not ever. There were too many things I was scared to answer. I admit to being a pussy when it comes to accountability with Shamus James.
So what?
I met Shamus in elementary and from that day forward, I made sure I had him thinking of me. It started with throwing mud pies at him when I was seven and him and Mike were teasing me. They were four years older and jerks. I would tag along when they were hanging around the docks hitting on girls and talking about music, while my preteen self would wonder if he had kissed a girl.
He had worked for Jerry since he was born practically. In high school Jerry even hired me to work in the office doing the filing and paying the bills but by then Shamus was all about the band and in a bad mood when he had to work the boat. It was there that I noticed Shamus in a different light. No longer the boy who called meCassa-nova, a name that made no sense but had the ability to make me cry every time he teased me. He had become the sexy brooding rock star that every girl in Pierce County wanted.
When my final year of high school came Shame noticed me… and the rest was history. We had plans to head off for California and follow the rock star dream. Shamus had an uncanny naturalness when it came to music. He would hear a song once and then he would drive you crazy playing it over and over until he could play it himself. I never once doubted if he would make it big. He was born to be on stage seducing women with swagger and talent guiding him. Shame was always with me so he made sure to wing man for the guys and ensure they hadfangirlson each arm. He had a reputation for loving me and though somefangirlstried to sway him, they never did. Shamus was faithful to the very last day.
I knew what he looked like on a stage and the vision of him owning it. He never wore a shirt, his muscles were defined even from a distance. He always wore shorts and chucks and smiled like it was the best thing in the world beating on drums. He smiled at me like that too. I cut off the thoughts abruptly. There was no sense in rehashing the past. Shamus left me behind when he followed that dream. It paid off too. He was the drummer for Thick as Thieves. He was Hollywood now and I would forever be Gig Harbor.
I knew why I was nervous at seeing him today but I didn’t like the effect he had on me. I hadn’t seen him in forever- and yes two years without the man you love is forever- and now he was back and in a bad place too. Jerry and Shame fought hard, but they loved one another harder. I knew even if Jerry wouldn’t tell me, I knew they had made amends a few years back. No matter how pissed I was at Shamus, I was damn glad that they had made things right before it was too late.
I would be dressed casually knowing that Jerry would call me a drag if I dressed nice for this‘gathering’ as it was being called. It was at Jerry’s house and it was sure to be full of a bunch of crabbers and crabbers were not the sexy kind. I could have worn a flannel shirt and long johns and they would have probably balked at that.
There would be family friends and of course TAT and all the roadies and the team of TAT and they might like a nicer outfit out of me. Image was such a bitch and something I was able to free myself of. I had once loved being fashionable and full on girly. I loved make-up and clothes and owned being a girly girl...until Cory ruined that too. Cory had suggested I do a lot of things to reach the level of perfection he thought necessary for a wife of his status. That included looking a specific way and it sure as hell wasn’t a pair of jeans and a plain shirt.
Okay so yeah, I made sure they were my best fitting tight as skin jeans with white stitching and blinged out crosses on the pockets; coupled with a black low cut top that Carrie demanded I wear. She knew that accenting the ladies would, if anything, make Shamus sweat. For a twenty-two year old, I felt thirty-two but glad I had years ahead of me and looked twenty-two.
My hair is a honeyed brown and naturally curly that Shame loved. Cory hated the curl in my hair and on more than one occasion he had referred to it as a rats nest. I was careful to wear it straight after that, even though I had always preferred the curls.
I hated my ex-husband. On more than a rare occasion, I did things that Corey had normally denied me and that was most everything. Why I still found it hard to ignore his voice in my head, I fought him tooth and nail, hating that even though he was locked up and I was safe… I still found myself keeping to so many of his demands. Maybe it was the things he said, or the way he had made me feel but regardless, I just couldn’t clear him from my mind all the way.
I knew it was because I didn’t trust that he was gone forever. Lurking in the back of my mind, it was like a countdown to when he would reappear. So many nights I had awoken from a calm sleep terrified that he was in the room. Dozens of times I woke restless and groggy. When that happened I would rush to the bathroom and inspect my body for needle punctures. Cory hadtaken to drugging me when I ‘misbehaved’ and so many, many times to count I had awoken from a drug hangover.
The day I left the hospital I’d held my breath all the way to the lawyers office to file for divorce as ‘No Contest’ and report him to the bar for the attempted murder charge, the manslaughter charge, the stalking in the first degree charge and the assault with deadly intent charge. He had been barred from practicing law ever again and two months later it was final and Corey was behind bars. Until I saw him with my own eyes on the opposite side of the bars, I hadn’t been able to walk down the street. I had been terrified that he was lurking waiting to jump out of the bushes and finish his job. That was just over two years ago but the effect of his abuse still clung tight.
I motioned my body with a quick hand not wanting to linger too long at the scars across my abdomen. I slid my hand across the deep scars that were still bright pink and visible even with Noah's beautiful art now covering them.
