“He doesn’t know Cassa….about you taking care of his Dad.” Carrie said silently bringing me back to the nightmare. Harvey had left and I still sat there shell shocked.
“Did Mikey talk to him or the guys yet?” I asked Roni who had shown up just as Harvey left. Was I so far off in my own head that reality and the here and now were slipping away? I needed control.
My big brother Mike and Shamus had been best friends since childhood, all the members of Thick as Thieves went back years but it was Mikey, Chad the lead singer and rhythm guitarist, Cal the lead guitarist and Shamus the drummer that had been childhood friends. They brought Noah the bassist into the fold about five minutes after meeting him. They were just destined to be friends, much like me, Carrie, Candey and Roni. Mike and Shames friendship, though still strong, is now strained because of me and the secrets I demand Mike keep. Mike was never a member of the band, only a fan and his dream was always to marry and impregnate my bestie.
It has been said a time or two that brothers are gross and I will testify to that every day of the week and twice on Sunday.
“Yeah he talked to him early this morning.” Roni sighed and I squeezed my eyes shut wanting, desperately to block out the pain. “Shame went straight to Carrie and Chads last night once they were in. He's at Jerry's now with Mike and Chad.”
“Noah and Cal are coming after he wraps up a few things in Gig for the wake and Candey said she was on her way home now.”
Candey is my roommate and fellow trouble maker since we are the last ones to get married or have babies. I did both in the dark and alone and Candey along with the rest of this silly little group of misfits, ripped me out of it.
I was terrified at first to live by myself but Mike and Roni’s with all the love and babies wasn’t the place either. Candey and Carrie took me in and now it's just Candey and me and I love living with her cooky ass.
Where Roni and I were bestie's for life, Candey and Carrie were as well. Candey had an ongoing and sometimes rigid relationship with Noah, cementing the fact to Carrie that brothers were indeed gross. Candey was everything awesome and true, just like her last name. She never spared feelings, spoke her mind and loved fiercely.
She was in love with Noah and he with her though they fought it daily. I was still in love with Shamus and there were more secrets, hurt and anger between us than any ocean could distance us. I could and would never judge Candey for her fight for Noah. Noah was worth the fight, he just didn’t know it.
I wanted Shame to fight for me, to save me. There were so many times that he would willingly defend my honor, some things were small, some big. I had dreamed day and night, every hit, kick, hair pull; every verbal attack of my worthlessness, my looks or my smarts. Every single time I went to my fantasy of Shame coming and saving me.
Little girls are no different from women. We all want a knight on a white horse to save us. My knight is a tattooed drummer who rides a kick drum for a living. I chose a sociopath who hated me for reasons he believed.
He is was only right for hating me when it regarded Shamus. I would die for Shame. He is my one and only and Cory knew it and despised me for it.
I went through moments of truth, believing I deserved it all because of my mistakes. Those moments are no more. I fought to fight and fight I did.
Now I will never be knocked down again and grab my happiness where I can and let it ride.
There is no happiness in this sorrow however. I had dreamed of seeing Shame again one day and always thought it would be at Carrie and Chad’s wedding. I never wanted him like this.
Shamus had ruined me in a sense; had left me empty and I had moments of blame towards him. Had he never left I knew we would have been together still doing what Chad and Carrie are.
I can admit to myself now that yes, I went out, gave in to the first guy who noticed me trying to feel that fire again. I was addicted to being in love and just wanted it back. It was Cory that took me and it was Cory who was desperate to never let you go.
I learned then and there that loneliness was a desperate bitch for a mistress, and that fucking mistress almost killed me.
Jerry worked damn hard to put me back together. I had an entirely different outlook on life, one that I knew Shamus would never understand. I had taken great lengths to keep him from finding out how far down I had fallen in to hell.
Shamus being back was jeopardizing all of my hard work and struggle to maintain this new outlook. Shame would see through me like crystal.
I cried to myself though not wanting my selfish thoughts to intrude with my girls around. My chest was a burning ache, the pain of losing Jerry so strong I could barely get a breath. I could see his drunken crooked smile and his blood shot eyes. That was Jerry. To others he was a drunk. He had more to offer the world than anyone gave him credit for. He was beautiful and full of love. Now he was gone and I was broken yet again at the loss of a James man.
How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me
