“He killed himself Roni, and I knew he would.” I said finishing the rest of the story I already knew. He had said it a million times over the last year once he knew his liver was shot. Organ donation was not a possibility to an addicted patient and Jerry would have flipped the bird to the idea anyway.
It didn't matter if I agreed with his decision or not, it was done and I had no choice but to accept it.
My phone started beeping and a glance at the screen showed Carrie smiling wide with a bundle of baby girl in her arms. Noelle True Blake was just shy of one month old and by far the prettiest little girl in the world. “Let me call you back Ron, Cares is calling me on the other line.”
“Cassa”- I swapped lines knowing that Roni would ramble about his health deteriorating and trying to justify Jerry killing himself. I was so sick of men and their bullshit cop out ways that I wasn’t about to listen to Roni defend it. She had a perfect soul but she had never been touched by the black.
Carrie had and I knew she would just get it.
“Hey.” I say and my tone tells her I am annoyed and done with dealing for the day.
“Holy fuck Cassa.” Yep that was Carrie at her best.
“Let me get home and off this fucking freeway and I’ll call ya.”
Her laughter was dark.“Not even chica. I am driving to your place now and I’ll be there soon to intervene on Roni wanting to fix shit and all Jerry’s buddies wives from bringing you nasty casseroles and cakes and shit.” Carrie being Carrie, dropped the call on me knowing I would argue.
Jerry was dead and now Shamus was going to start asking questions.
*
I sat silently, my mind racing two thousand different directions, all the directions leading right back to the same one.
“Shamus?” I asked knowing I didn’t have the right to speak his name. After almost two years without him and a lifetime between them, his name was still the most special one on my lips.
“He came home last night Cass. He was on the first flight with the rest of the guys the minute the show was over
That wasn’t what I meant, but nodded in acknowledgment as Carrie opened the door again. This time it was Harvey, Chad’s grandpa here to pay his respects to me and most likely to check in on Carrie and Noelle.
“Hey darlin’.” Harvey said and kissed my forehead. “Got Letty Valdez in the car but needed to hug my favorite girls first.”
“Hey Harvey. Thanks for coming by.”
“Jerry was a dad to you darlin'. Whatever that boy of his mistakes are, you were still his girl Cassa.”
“I know.” I whisper through my tears and hug him tighter. That was something Jerry would say all the time. I was his daughter with or without Shamus.
Shamus James was the one man who could bring me to my knees and that I would go willingly down for. Corey tried but he never got me there by choice. It had been two years since he left me with no explanation. I went to his house the day after he left and Jerry told me he was gone. Devastated, I slipped in a dark depression. The pain of losing Shamus; of him walking away from me, was still too fresh a wound.
Enough of this dammit!” Carrie yelled and kicked a box in my bedroom...aka their old closet. I had just moved to Seattle with Carrie and Candey...trying to get my mind straight was proving hard. I was tired all the time. I couldn't eat or sleep. I wanted to do nothing but sit in my room and cry. All I would think about was his smile, or when he would kiss me how he would speak soft little whispers against my lips. I was driving myself crazy because all the memories I had of Shamus told me he had loved me...he couldn't fake what we had.
It didn't matter now because he left just the same.
And now I was pinned in the corner by one seriously pissed off Carrie Beckett.“I get it Sass, I do. I know how bad it hurts to not have the man you love. I know its a ripping, shredding pain but I also know there is worse shit in this world and a broken heart is survivable.”
I knew she was right. She and Noah had survived so much and now she was surviving her own broken heart, living alone without Chad. I had to survive the loss of my parents and brother. But I had Mike and Roni and I also had Shamus and Jerry... even Shames mom before she passed. I knew nothing of surviving.
“Look Big Mouth Barbie.” Candey intervened and was looking at Carrie who was rolling her eyes at Candey's nickname. “Cass isn't you and you aren't Cass. Broken hearts are private Carrie so back off a little. You and Chad were communicating about what was fucking things up in your relationship. Shame straight up left Cass with no word, nothing.”
It was like taking a bullet every-time I heard his name. I was sick of feeling so broken and even if it was fake and make believe I needed to pretend to be happy, even if it was just for one night. I needed to feel good and pretty and even if it meant I was shallow...I needed to feelwanted. “Lets go to the bar!” I yelled jumping from my bed almost maniacly. Within seconds they were right on board with me.
I had been so happy that night. I had my girls, a pretty dress...beers and tears.
I also met Corey and my life changed forever.
“Cass? You okay honey?” This was Carrie who was fully aware I was in dream mode. She knew what it was like to get trapped in a memory.
“Yeah I was just thinking.” I didn't say what had my attention and I followed what had originally derailed my thoughts. It was always Shamus in some sort. I had taken it upon myself, after Shamus disappeared, to take care of Jerry. Shamus would call every Thursday night and I made sure I was scarce. Same as the few times Shamus would visit. Jerry stayed mum about my being around and as far as I knew, Shamus never talked about missing me. Jerry had always respected my wishes just like everyone else had and so Shamus remained in the dark. Now I would face him and pay my respects.
