“The day before I left to come back to California and try to forget I went to say goodbye to her and heard Chad and Noah talking to her. Noah was telling her about his and Carrie’s dad and what he went through daily trying to keep Carrie safe.”
Fuck! Noah usually only opened up when he was high and he hadn't been high in a long time. He had told me some stories before, it was almost like sometimes the bad shit is so deafening in his mind, he forces it to release and knows the safest place to do so is with us. If there is one thing the Beckett's take serious, it’s trust and they trusted us.
“I stood there listening to him talk about the shit that sadistic fuck did to him, listened as Chad talked about being with Carrie and seeing her fight it off daily. Noah was begging her to play trust me dude. You know what fucking trust me is?” His voice was trembling again and I knew, God dammit I knew what trust me was. Noah had invented a game when he was just a kid and Carrie barely out of the toddler stage. He would create these dream worlds where nothing could hurt him or Carrie but there could be no secrets or lies or the world would shatter. It was remarkable how he saved him and Carrie both with it.
“He was so cool too man, I swear to fuck I want to be Noah when I grow up.”
I laughed at that knowing neither of us could ever be Noah Becket cool.
“He just started spouting some bullshit about zebra striped houses and leopard printed cars.”
I laughed even harder now because Noah knew how to handle Cass well. The girl loved some animal print.“That would do it.” I took a drink from the beer and poured one for Cal.
“Then he told her he would go first and said his secret that week was that he shot up four times, each time after leaving the hospital. At first I thought he was crazy telling her that and adding to her already fragile mind. But sure as shit she started crying and begged him to stop. He said he would stop if she would talk to him. So she started talking. I'll spare you the details, but it involved her on her knees eating from the trash and that’s me putting it nicely. Noah asked Chad to leave at one point because he kept cursing under his breath when she would tell a ‘truth’ as he called it.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah, just like that.” Cal laughed and I realized I had done the same thing as Chad. “I was totally busted by Chad when he came out of the room and saw me standing there listening. He wiped at his eyes fast because the stories had him breaking down. That was when I knew Noah kicked him out for how upset he was getting. I left with Chad and went to the hospital cafeteria to get some grub. Chad told me Noah was an oak. I asked him to explain what he meant, he said that no matter how hard he tried, hearing the shit he and Carrie went through or then when Cass was opening up, he never shed a tear and Chad always did. He told me that the bass wasn’t Noah’s calling, but that therapy was. He said if he didn’t know better he would swear Noah was placed in a revolving hell of sadness just to save others… like an angel.”
“Fuck it makes sense.” I couldn’t help but agree with Chads point of view when it came to Noah.
“Over the last year, Noah covered her scars with tats and he sits there and takes her pain in, lets her talk to him about all the fucked up shit that turned her inside out and upside down in six fucking months. I had no part bro, in saving her. Noah stepped in and took the fuck over and helped her through the psychological bullshit and Chad handled the secrets covering every track to the point of paranoia. I played music, partied and could barely stomach calling her every day, but I did bro. I called and I talked to her about fucking animal print and polka dots. Every fucking day I swear and I don’t regret it, but fuck…. they saved her man not me.”
That’s what this was about? He didn’t want to be included as a hero. He felt guilty for not doing more, for keeping the secret and not saving her. All I could think was poor fucking Cal. My friend had the weight of the world on his shoulders and he didn’t get that what he did by calling her every day, was showing her she wasn’t alone. “Cal, Cassa saved Cassa. Noah might have got her talking, but Noah could make a monk talk. Chad handled the media frenzy because Chad is the lead singer, the most recognized and sought after. I would have had Chad on it too, if I had known. People are gonna listen to ‘Gods gift to women’ and do as he says, because America fucking loves him and reporters make millions off him. You were her friend Cal. You called every day. You never asked her to tell you what happened, you only asked how she was, how her day was. Man, you’re just as big a hero as they are and you can't let this shit eat at you.” It sucked saying it, it tasted bitter as vinegar too, but they had my girls back when I hadfangirlson their backs and me between their legs. They were fighting to save her and I was praying to forget her. I owed them all and I would repay it somehow.
“This is it Shame. People don’t get second chances very often. Forgive her for whatever kept you away. Let it go, move on. Adopt thirty fucking kids, bed her sweet ass every night and every time she cries fucking kiss her, promise me that and I swear I’ll let it go.” His voice was stern, his tears gone, he was telling me, he wasn’t asking.
“I fucking swear it man.”
Cal grabbed his beer and chugged it before dropping a one-hundred dollar bill on the table.“Awesome lets head, I need to go kiss Tayla’s ass before she kills me.”
“Yeah be careful. She looked like she would have slit your nuts clean open if she had a knife handy.”
“Yeah. Trust me bro, it was deserved. I’m kind of a dick to her.”
Cal didn’t know how to be a dick. He was the most positive guy I knew and literally loved the hell out of life. It’s why knowing what happened to Cass, seeing her in the state I had yet to understand, affected him so deeply.
“Wanna talk?” I ask, but I am so uncomfortable, I want to itch my face off. I am a guy who is scared shitless of emotional displays of any kind and I have been in one long fucked up emotional display for four days. I did not want to talk relationships and chicks and the insanity that breeds in their minds, with Cal. Ever. But I would do it and try to not break out in hives.
“Fuck no. I’m Cal Dorian, dude. I don’t need chick advice from the guy who has worse chick problems than me.”
I laugh when deep down I am so fucking relieved.
I yell to Howie that we are leaving and we make it to the parking lot where we see Drake waiting in the driver's seat of the Lincoln waiting to drive us home.
Home was Cass and I needed home right now, more than I needed anything. My mind felt taken away, my heart broken from the overwhelming shit this trip home brought. My dad was dead now resting in peace I hoped, with my moms hand in his. Cassa was at home waiting for me, but she was damaged and would always be damaged. I had told myself I would fix her, that I would and I could bring her back. I couldn’t but I could support her and love her until the day I died.
I knew now that I didn’t want to know these secrets. I didn’t want to know what Cal saw that shattered his perception of the world. I didn’t want the guilt that leaving caused. I didn’t want the knowledge that my best friends sat and held her hand in her darkest hours, that she held my dads hand in his.
I wanted to cry at the blessing I was graced with in meeting these amazing souls, cry like a little bitch because they loved me so fiercely they bent to the point of breaking to save me. I wanted to kill Cory Noxx. I wanted to marry Cassa. Right now I wanted the life of a crabber and I fucking hated crabbing.
I just wanted Cassa and everything else to just wash away.
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
