“I never told Carrie how mom hated him. I figured she had been through enough shit her life that she didn’t need a whole new reason to hate the almighty. She doesn’t need to question if mom hadn’t died would we have been safe? Would our lives be different? That shit eats at people and it would destroy Carrie.”
“What about you does it eat at you?”
He shakes his head no and drinks from his beer.“No I’m a realist and see things at face value. She’s dead and there aint a fucking thing anyone can change so it’s about dealing.”
I nod but don’t say more on it because Noah has clearly trotted enough down memory lane.
“So what’s the decision? You fighting for her or bailing again?”
“I’ll figure it out.” I say and stand to leave. “This house is too much. I miss home. I need to get out of here and the memories that plague me here. I’m headed to the house in Gig tonight but just want to be left alone.”
I didn’t stay to wait on the reply as I swiped the keys to my dads truck off the counter. “Lock up yeah?” I ask and leave him behind. Leave it all behind. I hadn’t changed, I was still running away even if I was running home.
And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night
Jose Gonzalez
Chapter Thirteen
Cassa
It was dark and I was on Mike and Ron’s shit list again but didn’t care. Noah showed up an hour ago telling me in private about his talk with Shame. When he told me that Shame was heading to Gig and wanted privacy…well I guess I didn’t really care.
Anything was an excuse to get away from Mikey and his lectures. The first free chance he had to attack he did.“Why didn’t you go to the parole hearing Cassa?” After Noah had left everyone sort of scattered out the door with the exception of Mike and Ron. I was hoping in the heat of everything else that Mike would have forgotten. I wasn’t so lucky.
“Because.” I knew he would hate my answer but it was all I was giving him tonight.
“Do not because me Cassa Rae. I deserve to know why the victim, the one who has the most power couldn’t be bothered with showing up in order to keep her attacker in jail.”
I wanted to pull my hair out. I know he is concerned. I know everyone is, but I also know that I live and breathe that world day in and day out. I didn’t want to see his face just after seeing Shame. “Because there is no point in going to them Mike. Good behavior or not my being scared and admitting that in front of a parole board is not gonna happen. Cory took enough from me, I won’t go beg to keep him away so I can sleep another night. If you can’t understand that then I can’t force you to see it.”
The argument only progressed until I finally stormed out of my own house and started driving. So many times after a fight with Cory I would drive and clear my mind, always heading to the same place.
Gig Harbor.
I knew Shame was there tonight and I knew that the Gig house held more memories of us than of his life with Jerry. He went to Gig to be closer to me. It may have been my emotions or the desperation that Shame always brought out in me, but either way it was what I believed and that was where I was going. He had been back less than two days and already I was jonsing for him. Visions of him inside of me last night flashed through my mind. I was a fool to run head first into the arms… or the wall… of the one man who could break me, but I am and will forever be a masochist.
I liked the pain that was Shame. It was like an addiction pining for him and right now in this moment I know he wouldn’t turn me away. He would welcome me, comfort me and take it all away. I was selfish seeking his comfort. He lost his father and here I was crying over things I couldn’t change. I didn’t deserve Shame tonight. He was raw and hurting and I knew that in that state he would welcome me.
By the time I came to the driveway of Shames house my nerves had kicked in. Part of me wanted to run, drive back home and get shitty drunk until I fell asleep. The other was to beat the door down begging him to bring me back to life again.
I was parked along the curb trying to figure out which insane side of my brain would win, the front door opened and in the doorway stood a shirtless Shamus in jeans and bare feet. It was freezing out and him without a shirt meant he was inside working. I started to question if I should just leave and not interrupt when Shame smiled the sexiest smirk and curled his finger at me telling me to ‘come here.’
The decision was made.
*
Cassa
I wondered if I should leave. I had walked through the door when Shame pulled me close kissing me until I was out of breath. Once we came up for air, we said nothing but just looked at one another. We didn’t need words right then, we both knew the way the night would end.
Shame curled his fingers in mine and used his bare foot to close the door behind us and we walked hand in hand down the hall to his room. He leaned back on the bed sitting back against his pillows.He said nothing for a few minutes just looked at his hand in mine and rubbed his thumb over the soft skin on the top of my hand. I wanted to take his pain away just as bad as I wanted him to take mine away but I didn’t know how to say it. I looked at him seeing that he was looking right back at me with the same question in his eye. This was proof that we were still us. No words. No promises. Nothing more than us alone with a million possibilities. It was so quiet and nothing but the sound of our breathing and the rain outside beating on the windows. It was the most relaxed I had been since the night he left me.
