He didn’t speak only cleared his voice and looked away from me, the tears not stopping. He hated that I was seeing him this way but he couldn’t bear it alone and I got that now. He sat legs over the side of the bed, body hunched and shed tears for the old man.
I walked to the side of the bed and sat beside him. The moment I placed my hand on his back, a soothing gesture, he stiffened and turned to face me. His grey eyes were scorching, rimmed in red and glistening from tears.“Sorry man.” He said his voice hitching slightly.
“Don’t be sorry bro. I get it and we’re cool.” I said, squeezing his shoulder. “Never be sorry, this is understandable.”
“Singing…” he paused to lift the guitar back into his lap. “And playing its how I deal with things like this.” He strummed a few cords on the guitar before setting it back down. “Fuck Noah, this sucks.” He said his voice thick with pain and I could see him fighting to reason with a pain that had a hold on him.
“I can see that bro.” I asked no questions because I had no words to comfort him with and I didn’t know if it would matter anyway.
*
Shamus
“I need a beer.” I say and stand leaving my room. Noah was a rock that guy. He didn’t make a big deal about what he saw from me, just hung out and let me deal. It’s what I needed. I needed to remember that we were boys for a reason. Our success was built on trust and loyalty, two things that were like air and water to Noah.
“And a tampon.” Noah said with a smile and I appreciated the joke at my expense.
“Fuck you.” I say and grab two beers from my fridge. Dad kept the place stocked that was for sure.
“Ha, you wish.” He says and takes the beer from my hand and pulls me in for one of those awkward man hugs that all dudes need from time to time but we wont admit it. That man hug said, “dude I'm sorry for being a dick.”
My return of the hug said,“Yeah douche I feel you.”
“So other than my breakdown what brings you by?” I take a seat on the couch and look anywhere but at Noah.
“You know why jackass. Don’t play stupid.”
See.
“Yeah I figure we drop it and we’re cool. I’m pissed for sure but I’ll get over it.” I swig from my beer and lean back grabbing the remote but Noah wasn’t having it.
“Will you really?” He asks and leans forward swiping the remote before I could get the TV on. “Will you really be able to get over it without knowing our side?”
I scoff at the caring tone. Maybe its because of the emotional display before but whatever it is I need to be cool here.“I have no choice Noah. I left everyone I loved behind and they fell apart without me. Cassa almost died but fuck man, my dad did die. I sacrificed everything to be where I am today so yeah, not about to throw it all away now.”
Apparently that sounded way bad because Noah went from cool to pissed.“So what, we’re good enough to be forgiven because God forbid your career would take? It wouldn’t bro, your fucking good and maybe the best in the industry. You’d be fine without us so feel free to bale if that’s what you need, but do it like a man.”
“Well explain it away then because it’s sketchy dude. Way sketchy.” All the anger back up to the surface I waited.
“Gladly.” He said with a smirk and leaned back, crossing his ankle over his knee and drinking his beer. “We were the greedy fools Shame. We kept her secrets sure, but we weren’t as fucking loyal to Cass as you think. We didn’t want to lose you because we all knew you would be back here in the blink of an eye. We also knew that if you did stay, you would be half of the drummer as you are now because your mind would be here where your heart is.”
I roughly slapped my beer down on the table and leaned forward.“And you think it won’t be that way now? I could have separated work and home, fucking Chad and Carrie do it and have been since we started.”
Noah laughed a knowing dark laugh.“Carrie and Chad are not and will never be you and Cass. Carrie is a fit throwing ball of crazy and Chad gets off on it and that works for them. You and Cass have a lifetime on those two. You don’t fight like they do because you know all the ticks about the other. You both know the easiest ways to hurt each other and the same goes for making the other feel like a million bucks.” He swigged from his beer again before looking at me. “What we did was for her and her frame of mind sure, but it was for everyone involved that we finally agreed and we did it kicking and screaming. If you chose to leave TAT behind and stay to fight for Cass I know you Shame and you will regret it. You need to find a happy medium that keeps you making music and Cassa waiting for you and supporting you.”
It was my turn to laugh. Noah didn’t know about the brush off I got from Cassa today. There was no future for us.”Is that what you and Candey do? Find a happy medium?”
He seemed to think on it, but that was Noah. He thought hard before he said anything. A lifetime of watching your‘P’s’ and ‘Q’s’ will do that. “Candey and me are similar to a life raft in the middle of a deserted sea. One minute I’m the raft and she’s the sea swallowing me whole…other times and more often than not she’s the life raft and I’m the sea. We make as much sense as a chimp and a duck dude but it’s what gets us both off. Turmoil anger and lust shared between kindred souls is okay.” The way he could sale that and make it sound like something beautiful was amazing.
“Think about marrying her one day?” I ask and I have no idea how the conversation changed but I was curious if Noah could ever bend that much.
Again he was silent but I could see him lost in thought.“I don’t know about marriage. I see the happy ones the lucky ones like Mike and Ron or my aunt and uncle and I think Carrie and Chad will be like that. But then I think of the ugly side too. My mom hated my dad, she despised him and I know it was coming soon that she would bail. I had only hoped she would take me and Carrie with her when she did.”
This was a shock. Noah for one ever talked about his parents, let alone his mom. He and Carrie both spoke like they were Adam and Eve, parent-less and alone in the world.“I didn’t know you remembered your mom much.”
He shrugged.“I never tell anyone anything about her so zip it yeah?”
I nod because I'm not Mike and gossip is like a root canal.“duh.”
